2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast

It's not that Lesbians don't like Martha Stewart. We enjoy a nice afternoon of crafting as much as the straight girls next door. It's just that "crafting" for Lesbians includes putting up shelves, building a new addition on the house, and installing a pergola and a fire pit in the backyard. "Dykes on a Dyme" will show you how at: youtube.com/dykesonadyme.

Smart phones in the hands of stupid people - it's either an oxymoron or just a really bad idea. Before anyone is allowed to leave the Verizon store with a new phone they should be forced to take an IQ test and then be mandated to download, and register for, the Common Sense App. If you refuse to take the test, then you get a Blackberry instead.

Conventional wisdom says that you should never pay for your whores with your credit card. Not only does it leave a tell-tale paper trail, but you also run the risk of your wife finding out about all your extracurricular activities. Then again, you're missing all those frequent flyer miles and rewards points you could be accruing with all those expensive purchases. It might be a worthwhile trade-off.

One of the most altruistic gestures a human being can do is to donate their organs to another person when they die. Why should fake boobs be any different? There must be some needy, flat-chested young lady that can't afford fake boobs by herself. You could change her life forever by allowing her to take over your boobs once you're gone. Besides, the coffin isn't going to close if you leave them in.

The Affordable Care Act is a wonderful thing. No longer do you have to walk around with a mole the size of a quarter on your face, just waiting for it to turn into a cancerous mass. Instead you can choose to groom the hairs coming out the mole and style it in the theme of the nearest holiday. Who doesn't look good with mole hairs dyed green for St. Patty's Day?

When you were a little child your parents thought your were The Gift. You were the perfect child, you could do no wrong and you could get away with anything. Now that the Grandkid has come along, you've been regifted. The only reason you're invited on family vacations now is so that you can bring the New Gift...and to do the cooking.

Being a parent is like being abducted by aliens. You have lapses of time that you just can't account for and you're not at all sure what's happened during that time. One minute you were all packed and ready to to go somewhere, and the next thing you know it's an hour later and the baby has vomited all over himself while you're on the freeway in rush hour traffic in the car pool lane. You don't really have an explanation for all the lost time, but you can't guarantee you weren't anal probed either.

Cigarettes are not addictive. Tell that to you mother who is recovering from nose reconstruction surgery and needs a cigarette so bad that she tapes her glasses to her forehead and drives her car to the farthest 7-11 she can find so that she can pick up a pack of cigarettes without any of the regulars at the store seeing her with raccoon eyes.

Just as Batman has a Batmobile, MILF's need to have a MILF mobile. The only problem is that MILF mobile has to go when the kids come along...unless you have a few hot au pairs that drive your kids around in the Range Rover with the car seats while you head down to West Hollywood in your convertible. All this happens while the wife is at work...of course.

It might be worth it to go to a restaurant you're not terribly fond of to each cubed meats and vegetables if you were able to grill your wife's friend about her sex life when she was married to a Gay man. Hell, it might even be worth paying for the whole dinner. Suddenly, iceberg lettuce with strange orange salad dressing got a whole lot more interesting.

If you want to take your baby to Hooters to celebrate Mother's Day just because they have $10 off Mom's meal when you bring your children...that's on you. It's probably safe to say that the church ladies in the mall parking lot with Grandma, the Mom and the 4 month old baby probably don't care that they can save $10 when the scantily clad girls in underwear and tank tops serve them sliders with blue cheese. You'll probably get what you deserve for that transgression anyway.

It's important to be a good role model for our kids and to help our community. When someone needs a helping hand, it's an opportunity to set a good example by doing whatever you can to reach out and help. It's in that spirit that we're gathering friends and family together to help us send 100 cases of Clorox Urine Cleaner to Connecticut to help clean up the hundreds of jugs of urine that the State doesn't know what to do with.

There's nothing like some comfort food to make you feel all warm and happy inside. Fresh out of the oven chocolate cookies, a steaming plate of homemade macaroni and cheese or a piping hot chicken pot pie. It seems almost impossible to screw that up, unless you decided to use the generic, dented can of vegetables with botulism oozing out, topped it off with a cup of black pepper, and then served it all wrapped up in a frozen Pillsbury croissant the size of a football. Delicious.

Everyone has price. So what if you have to walk around on a disabled cruise ship for a week with feces up to your ankles and no chance of getting soft-serve ice cream 'round the clock for the entire week. Throw in a good, heavy period with no tampons or pads, so that you have to walk around wearing a red bag like a diaper all week. Give me two or three free cruises plus $500 and we'll call it even. But...I am going to need a balcony upgrade.

When living without sleep becomes a way of life you get used to. When you can get up 5 times in the middle of the night and learn how to go right back to sleep. When you can run the gauntlet of children's toys in the middle of the living room without twisting an ankle. And, when you can start to imagine your wife as the hot au pair sleeping next to you in the bed at night...that's when you realize it's official. The tiny little baby you brought home 7 months ago is now officially your legally adopted son. Life is good.

A Super Wife is not your ordinary wife. This is one that still takes you out for a romantic Valentine's Day affair, even after 14 years. She's the one that takes you to that special restaurant at the strip mall where you play a sexy game of "spot the Dyke"...just like when you first met. Next time, Ladies, don't make it so easy by putting a "Yes I Am" license plate frame on your car.

Four more states that now allow Gay marriage, the first out Lesbian Senator, a President of the United States acknowledges Gay history for the very first time, and we have two challenges headed to the Supreme Court regarding DOMA and Gay marriage. A couple of months in, and 2013 is already a great year. Of course, Ethan won't be happy until his moms can be legally married in every state in the US...and he is going to let everyone know that he is not happy until that happens.

Groupon is great for a lot of things. You can get great discounts on a dinner for two, a relaxing massage or a fishing trip with friends. What you never want to buy on Groupon is the offer to buy one plastic surgery and get one free...unless you want to have two soup bowls implanted in your butt cheeks. Sexy.

If you walked up to a straight woman with a baby before you had a baby of your own, you would just be seen as a creepy Dyke trying to hit on a straight woman. Once you have a baby of your own, however, all the tables turn. Now you're a thoughtful mother who is interested in swapping baby secrets with someone else from the in-crowd...even if you spend the entire time staring at her cleavage.

These days it's just too dangerous to play the lottery and win. Friends and family drain your bank account, a new girlfriend moves in and suddenly you end up missing, or they find your dead body in a lake a few days after you collect your big check. It's much easier to get ripped off and lose all your money the old fashioned way. Let the tweaker move in, let her slowly drain all your bank accounts and max out your credit cards until you don't have anything left. Once she's done she simply moves on to the whore she's been already been sleeping on the side. At least she's not slipping cyanide in your drink.