Save The Marriage Podcast | How To Save Your Marriage | How To Stop Your Divorce

Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation.  They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done. Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing. Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can.  But their spouse…. It is quite a game.  Not one that either person is enjoying.  Yet both are playing. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it.  Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to.  That game ends with 3 losers:  You, your spouse, and your marriage. RELATED RESOURCES NMF Syndrome How NOT to Save Your Marriage Being on the Same Team Save The Marriage System

Let me be the first to say, saving your marriage can be hard on you emotionally! Well, I don't really need to tell you, do I?  YOU are living it! One of the tough things, if you are going it alone (at the moment) is the fact that you want to feel loved, too.  You are likely trying to make sure your spouse feels love... feels love.  You are likely working on connection... even if it isn't (currently) coming back your way. And since we humans really want and need that love and connection, it can be tough when you don't feel it coming back. Because of just that, many people give up -- even if they are almost there!  Even if they are pretty close to saving their marriage, they often give up, frustrated and hurt. I get that.  I understand it. And I want to make sure you understand it, too.  So, we talk about the feeling and what to do about it, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Don't get derailed (when you might be so close to your goal!).   RELATED RESOURCE: The Marriage Experiment Traini

For many couples in a troubled marriage, their first stop is marital therapy. In fact, for many, it is almost an instinctive reaction.  Marriage problem?  Head for therapy. How do I know? Because I hear from them... when therapy fails.  Which is, unfortunately, fairly often. Why? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you a little "inside information" on the factors that determine success or failure in marriage therapy. Since I was trained as a marriage therapist, I have long been observing the profession.  I stepped away and shifted to relationship coaching some years ago.  But I still have my finger on the pulse of this profession. So, let's talk about what leads to success... and what leads to failure, when you head to marital therapy. Just so you know.... Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy What Your Therapist WON'T Tell You Why Is It "Therapy or Bust"? Save The Marriage System

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution. So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Don’t Convince Working on Connection Book:  Beyond The 3 Barriers Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Save The Marriage System

On a regular basis (meaning, several times each week), I have a discussion with a client that ends in the client saying, "I can't...."  Yes, they finish the sentence in many ways.  But the start of the sentence is my focus:  "I can't." I have a colleague that responds to clients who say, "I can't," with "You can."  That doesn't quite get there, though.  At least for me, I don't think that is the whole answer. Over the years, I noticed that "can't" is far more complex than we notice. You may have heard that in other languages, there are multiple words to describe what another language would only have as a single word.  For instance, the Greek language has multiple words to say, "love."  And at least in lore, there are many words in Inuit to say, "snow." There should be, in my opinion, multiple words for "can't."  But here we are, often with conversations ending with "I can't." So, I will take it further.  In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I note four different "can'ts."  One really, truly,

Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it? I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it. But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married? I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone?  This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once a spouse has checked out.  This is not accurate.  And it means that many people who could save their marriage and rebuild, don’t.  They walk away in defeat. So, what CAN you do?  First, I tackle what you CAN’T do.  Then, we turn our attention to what CAN be done, even if it is only you interested (right now). Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Read my article on The Pause Button Marriage Find my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Find my Save The Marriage System Learn more about Connection Learn more ab

This is a SPECIAL EDITION of the Save The Marriage Podcast! Why?  Because we are on the cusp of an elevated threat to marriages... and it might include your's. There are 3 periods in the year that see a spike in divorce filings and inquiries.  We are facing one right now:  the beginning of summer.  In the States, that is marked by Memorial Day (coming up very quickly).  For other countries, it may be another week or two off.  But we are slip-sliding right toward it. In this audio version of a video training, I tell you why this season is a spike, and what to do so that your marriage is not a casualty (but the time to get started is NOW!).

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis.  There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis. This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis.  And just to let you know:  you are NOT at stage 1.  That would be Asleep.  This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble.  You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway. But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage! Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis.  That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis. In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do t

There is a better than 80% chance that, at this moment, you are a Chaser.  In doing a little informal research, I noticed that about 90% of the people who read my articles, listen to my podcast, read my b0oks, or use my System, are chasing right now. Why?  Because right now, their spouse (and likely, your spouse) is being a Spacer.  The Chaser/Spacer pattern can vary over time -- who is doing which, how fast both are moving, and what the distance looks like.  Sometimes, couple switch roles.  Usually, because the Chaser gives up and becomes the Spacer, causing the Spacer to suddenly shift to being the Chaser. There HAS to be a better way... right? Right?? Why yes, yes there is.  So glad you asked! In this podcast, I tell you about the Chaser/Spacer roles, how they come to be, why the are so problematic, and why they don't have to be permanent roles or patterns.  We unwind it. And I tell you about the better role. Listen below to discover how to stop being the Chaser or Spacer... and what to do, instead!

Many people tell me of their desperation to find intimacy -- and their sadness over not having it in their marriage. But is it possible to find that intimacy?  Is there a path to intimacy in your marriage?? There are choices people make... that often lead them away from intimacy -- not toward it!  This isn't on purpose.  They just don't know better. The path to intimacy may not be something you learned -- or even saw in relationships around you! But there IS a path. That path has 4 steps to get there. Unfortunately, many people decide to leave in steps 2 and 3, not realizing just how close they are to intimacy.  True intimacy. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we look at the path.  I'll tell you about each of the 4 steps along the path... and how to make a shift toward intimacy... just when you think you've missed it. Yes, you can find intimacy. You just need to know the path to take.  Let's get it covered for you! Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Conflict 2 Necessary F

You hit the Pause Button on your marriage.  I get it.  You didn't realize you were doing it, and didn't know it was a problem.  You just thought you were dealing with life -- the kids, a career, activities... life. But while you didn't know it was a problem, it is.  In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble.  Yes, there are lots of symptoms of the problem.  The underlying problem, though, is disconnection... from hitting the Pause. Relationships don't go into suspended animation, just awaiting re-animation.  Nope, they are either growing or receding.  And a paused relationship is receding. Then, suddenly, you realize there is a problem.  It was brewing for awhile.  But since you were disconnected, you missed the signs.  Until it was a crisis. And then, you go from Pause Button to Panic Button. Now, you have to deal with both the paused marriage and the panic problem.  You have to find a way to heal the disconnection AND deal with the crisis. How do you do it? We talk about it on thi

Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage. This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation.  Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages.  So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better. When I was in training, this somehow became the default approach, even after all the theory and explanations of problems in a marriage.  Lots of very convoluted, confusing theories were proposed, and then, the treatment? Teach communication skills! Which is probably why marriage therapy has such abysmal results.  When you look at the actual research, 50% of marriages that seek therapy still end up divorced.  Pretty much the overall national average for any marriage.  And only 10 to 15% of couples report any improvement.  Let me say that again:  any improvement. Why?  Well there are multiple issues (I discuss them right here) behind this.  But a big reason is this emphasis on commun

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com). This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection. It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage.  Maybe your spouse claims to want the same.  Maybe your spouse just doesn't respond much at all.  A little conversation... that goes nowhere.  Or attempts at conversation... that go nowhere.  It can feel frustrating and defeating. How should you understand the situation? What can you do about it? Can you make progress? We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES 3 Step Process 3 C's of Doing It Importance of Connection When Spouse Can't See A Way Resentment and Anger Save The Marriage System The Connection Compass

Where could your efforts fail? Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts. But let me be clear.  They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable. Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally gives. It breaks. In marriage, there are also potential failpoints -- caused by stressors on different points in the relationship. In this episode, I cover the three big failpoints that you face in your efforts... along with me talking about how to avoid the failpoints.   RELATED RESOURCES My new resource, The Connection Compass My Save The Marriage System Podcast episode: 3 Reasons Your Efforts May Fail Podcast Episode: 4 Failing Fears  

When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure! Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big things I’ve learned in my trips around the sun. But before I get there, I thought I'd tell you how I got here:  500 episodes of the podcast, a number of books and online courses, and lots of coaching.  How did I end up in this world, in this profession? And why do I keep at it?  I have long said that my job was to put myself out of business.  It won't happen.  But that is always my goal.  Until then, I'll keep showing up to help people build better marriages and have better lives. Thank YOU for being part of this journey!   RELATED RESOURCES: My Save The Marriage System My New Training Resource, The Connection Compass My Books The Husband Bootcamp The Field Gu

Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that. In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And no, the cool kids did not show up for it. Ever. But I will tell you one thing about magic:  it taught me a ton of life lessons... and a ton of psychology! I still recall those lessons to this day. I probably learned more about humans and perception in my performing than I ever did in my psychology courses. I also learned lessons of perseverance and practice. That is the only way to master sleight of hand. I still rely on that to this day. Which is why I am always interested when people ask me about the "trick" to saving their marriage. They want some little technique, some "sleight of mind" that will shift their spouse. But more than that, there are some other

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis. When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before. And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.

Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help?  And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage?  Tough question.  And I can't answer it. But I can help you get the answer. I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course.  I tell you the pros and cons of each, along with the ways to find the right fit for you and your spouse. In this podcast, I do tell you how to grab that resource.  But more importantly, I tell you about four big mistakes people make... even before they get started with getting help.  These mistakes can cost you the possibility of even utilizing help.  At the very least, they make the process more difficult, and they make your spouse even more resistant. Let's cover the mistakes and get my report to you, so that you can find, get, and use the best help in saving your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Are You Helping or Hurting Save The Marriage System The

I know. I say it all the time. Connection is crucial -- even critical -- for the health and survival of your marriage. But what if there is a trap... a Connection Trap? Guess what? There IS! On this week's podcast, I answer "D's" question about their stuck place. She names what she thinks are the 3 C's that must be there for a strong marriage. She names Commitment, Connectivity, and Chemistry. Those aren't bad choices. They just set a trap. A trap I want to warn you about! But first, let me make it clear:  I wholeheartedly agree with commitment.  It is the guiding star for any marriage.  And it is critically important for guidance as you navigate your marriage crisis.  It can keep you pointed toward safe-harbor while you work on healing. The trap, then, is with the other two.  No, I am not against connection (it is at the heart of my approach in my System).  I get concerned with how people expect connection to work.  And that is the trap.  Chemistry is another complicator to the trap. Listen in below

The Pause Button.  You didn't know you hit it.  But you probably did. "We'll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends... (well, you get the idea)." AFTER life, we will get back to love. There is only one problem.  Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening. There IS no pause. When you hit the Pause-Button, you are... even without realizing it... choosing the path of disconnection. Then, when you go to UN-pause, you look at each other, strangers.  Disconnected. In this episode of the podcast, I tell you why pause is such a problem, and point you to a path back. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause Button Marriage Connection in Marriage Surviving Disconnection Communication in Marriage Save The Marriage System