Save The Marriage Podcast | How To Save Your Marriage | How To Stop Your Divorce

Saving your marriage is important. But not always easy. Isn't that a truth in life, though? What is easy is rarely important. And what is important is worth the effort. There are some things that can make your process of saving your marriage a bit more complicated though. Not impossible. Just more complicated. While there are others, I cover seven different complicators in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  If you feel stuck, you may want to see if one of these complicators is tripping you up... and what to do about it! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Stops Along The Way to Divorce Why Connection is So Important Can It Even Be Saved? The Save The Marriage System

Many people are struggling with depression.  And they find themselves in the midst of a marriage crisis. So, what does depression mean for those situations? How does depression affects a marriage.  Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis?  Or... and this is more central to the question... how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis? Depression is a reality for many people.  And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times. The question is how you move through both crises:  depression and a marriage crisis. In this podcast, I discuss the effects of depression, some thoughts about causation, and how to deal with the depression while addressing the relationship crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Beat Depression Series Showing Up In Marriage Connection in Marriage Save The Marriage System

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year?  I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year.  And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol.  This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past.  Yep.  Christmas, with new opportunities.  Here it is: Christmas Eve.  Chris and Holly have settled into bed.  Neither can sleep.  It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads. Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past.  Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure. What happened?  Where did their relationship fall into trouble? Can they find their way back? But first, they have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night. Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship?  Is there a path through the pain? Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings

Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative.  Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative? Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage.  A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative.  Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then.  (Memories are just current thoughts about past events -- not accurate representations of the past.) Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode. If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let's look at the reasons it happens... and what you can do about it! RELATED RESOURCES Book:  How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs) How's Your Attitude? Hope and Stockdale Paradox Where To Focus "The Last Straw" Going P

"A" has been trying to set boundaries with her husband.  Trying to get the treatment she deserves.  Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot. But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way... rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone.  What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names.  But what about those less-clear actions -- using a "you're so stupid" tone (note that this requires you to read a tone... not always a good thing to try). Sometimes, boundaries are clear.  You know how to set them.  I even have a whole chapter on it in the primary module of Save The Marriage System. But when it is more subtle... a little harder to pin down.  And a little harder to call someone on.  What about that? I cover it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Setting Boundaries Boundaries and Control Healing Hurt Expectations and Agreements Conflict Save The Marriag

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution. So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Don’t Convince Working on Connection Book:  Beyond The 3 Barriers Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Save The Marriage System

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd." What a loss!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing. Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered. My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday. I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Gratitude and Marriage How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage Ghosts of Marriage Past Holidays and Mar

Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it?  Your "created past."  What is that? We all do it.  We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us.  When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection.  When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection. We rewrite the past, based on the present situation.  Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been. If you are wondering why your spouse can't remember the happier times, can't remember the passion, can't remember the connection, this is it.  The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection. Let's talk more about this in the podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES: Connection And Marriage Perceptions In Marriage Fears In Marriage Restore Your Marriage

Phil asked, "How do you know you are making progress?"  And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, "how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me." Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions.  They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship.  What to look for?  And what to do if those signs are not there? This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball... or asking the magic mirror.  But these are such important questions that I wanted to answer Phil's questions... at least as much as I can.  There are lots of dynamics and subtleties to a marriage and a spouse, it can be hard to be precise. But I want to discuss some signs to look for, both in when there is progress and when it is becoming unhealthy. Listen in for details in this episode of the podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Confusion or Connection Showing Up Having a Plan Spouse Is NOT The Enemy Save The Marriage System to Guide You

You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn't be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don't. I mean, let's face it:  most people don't do a lot to prepare to be married.  Maybe a little pre-marital counseling.  Perhaps a weekend event.  Or maybe you read a book.  But that doesn't really cut it, does it?  Most people find that out when they hit a problem. They often discover that they didn't really understand how to have a good marriage, much less how to fix a hurting marriage.  But we can change that! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you 3 steps you can take, with or without your spouse's involvement, that can start the process to saving and restoring your marriage. No, they aren't hard, nor complicated.  They are, however, important.  So listen in and take action. Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: Why Communication Isn't The Issue Why Connection Matters How Therapy Can Cause MORE Problems Why You Need A Plan Here is the Save The Marriage System

We all have limiting beliefs.  You... me... and your spouse!  I always work to change my limiting beliefs.  You are probably doing the same.  But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs! What is a limiting belief?  It is a mostly-FALSE belief.  But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities.  Potentials for change. Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN'T happen, what is NOT possible. Even when there are possibilities. Even when things CAN change. If someone can't see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward.  So, they stay stuck.  And if it is a spouse who can't see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what to do when your spouse's belief is "if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy."  I also address several other false/limiting beliefs... and what to do about them. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES Survival Series

Just to be clear, people don't simply end up divorced.  They don't go from a loving, connected marriage to a painful, hurting divorce.  There are some stops along the way. As people progress along the path to divorce, they have some options along the way, to either take the off-ramp or jump back on the road.  And the further along the road they go, the harder it is to turn around, to turn back toward the marriage. But what if I were to tell you that even at the last stop, things can still turn around?  You can still turn things around. More than that, what if I told you about those 8 stops along the way?  Because most people aren't even aware that they have blown through the first one, two, or even three, without even realizing it! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about each stop... and the options of the off-ramp.  Tune in to hear and to find where you are. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: 7 Stages of Disconnection The Pause Button Marriage Why Connection Matters Grab the Sa

The shift from connection to disconnection happens when people (inadvertently) hit the Pause Button on their marriage. It isn't ill-intended. It usually just happens in the busyness of life. Still, relationships, in general (and marriages, in particular), do not do well being paused. Because they don't "pause." They atrophy and recede. (SEE MY PODCAST ON THIS RIGHT HERE) But being simply disconnected is not the end of the story. It is actually the beginning of the arc of disconnection.  And yes, it is on the other side of the arc of connection. Unfortunately, this arc tends downward, with accelerating speed and momentum.  It is painful, frustrating, and ever-more difficult to turn around.  Can you turn it around?  Yes.  It just takes more time, effort, and resources, as it approaches the end. And just how many stops are there on the arc of disconnection? I highlight 7 in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. This episode is the audio from a recent video I released.  (If you would rather see the

Many people tell me how they WANT to save their marriage (they really, really do), but they aren't DOING it.  They can't seem to get started with their efforts.  Yes, they know the clock is ticking.  Yes, they know it is important.  But getting started... doesn't happen IF someone WANTS to save their marriage, then WHY CAN’T THEY GET STARTED? There are several typical reasons why people get stuck and can’t get started.  And there are some issues beneath these reasons that must be addressed, one way or the other. I cover the problems and issues in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES "Can I Even Save My Marriage?” “What If I Can’t Save It?" Why Does It Matter? Working on It Alone Healing Your Anger Save The Marriage System

We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others.  Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship. Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table.  Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence.  And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence. As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship. Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way... that you are just following your spouse's lead... or the lead of the world around you. But we all get to choose how we will Show Up. We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships.  We don't have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt.  We can choose how and who we will be in life. How do YOU Show Up? Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to! RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's of Saving a Marriage Forgiveness and Marriage Apologies and Marriage How To Reall

Has your spouse lost hope in your marriage's future? You want a warm and loving relationship, but it has had a rough patch.  You see a way forward, but your spouse can't see it.  If that is the case, then you need a way forward.  The first stop is dealing with the hopelessness. How important is it? Incredibly important!  Humans do not do well with feeling hopeless.  Any bit of hope helps us to move forward.  But when we lose all hope, we lose our way.  We give up.  We wander around.  And we deepen the crisis. What do you do about the hopelessness?  How do you avoid falling into it? On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover what to do when a spouse loses hope.  We discuss what hope is, how to recover hope, and how to stay hopeful yourself. (This is the audio version of a video you can see RIGHT HERE.)   RELATED RESOURCES Hope vs. Hopelessness Crisis Clarity Book:  Beyond the 3 Barriers Save The Marriage System

It is not about "communication," no matter what you hear (from friends or a therapist).  Most people communicate just fine.  They have another issue:  perception.  How they perceive each other, that is the bigger issue. And then the trap is laid. Perception and connection.  They create a downward spiral (unless you escape it) that traps you into a fall into disconnection. I call it the Perception/Connection Trap.  You have perceptions of each other (that are always at least partly fictional), and you have some level of connection.  When your perceptions of each other are poor (negative), your connection begins to falter.  When you are feeling disconnection, your perceptions grow more negative.  Which leads to further disconnection.  Which leads to further negative perceptions. The spiral downward. The bad news is this pattern traps many couples into a painful marriage crisis. The good news is that you can escape the Perception/Connection Trap.  And the great news is that you can use the reverse of the c

We all have hurts from close relationships -- and especially in marriages.  It is impossible to be in such an intimate relationship and not bump into each other (in hurtful ways) over and over.  The problem is when the hurts don't heal. Bumps, they happen.  Continued pain and hurt from the bumps, that doesn't have to happen. Yet, many times, I watch couples dragging the hurts around for way to long.  Weeks, months, even years.  Not noticing the damage that is happening to the relationship along the way. There are two parts to the process of healing:  apology and forgiving.  But, and this is important, they are not dependent upon each other.  They are separate.  Sometimes, people lump them together.  And while they are related, one does not link to the other. You may apologize and the other person, for example, may not forgive you.  Likewise, the other person may not apologize, and yet you still choose to forgive. Let's talk about each of these processes and why they are not related... and why that is imp

Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance?? Most of the time, couples get into habits.  They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3.... No, the dances aren't particularly helpful.  And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway! One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step.  And that particular dance?  It keeps on repeating.  Except that the anger grows.  So does the blaming. And so does the feeling of shame!  "Why can't I/we figure this out?", they wonder. And then, they dance it again. How can you stop the dance?  How can you find better steps?  Better ways of moving through life? That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below).  I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them... along with how to make a shift. RELATED RESOURCES Show Up Anger and Resentment (Yours) Anger and Resentment (Your Spouse's) Stepping Up The Save The Marriage System

When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear!  They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results.  Things are turning for the better.  The relationship is warming.  Things aren't quite so hostile. But then.... They get derailed.  Thrown off-course.  Lost in the crisis. Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost.  Things become even more tense and fractured. Why did they get derailed?  Four reasons:  Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged. I go into each of these... as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed... in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES You Need A Plan Can Your Marriage Be Saved? When Is It Too Late? Your Fail Points Book:  The Marriage Fail Point Save The Marriage System