Save The Marriage Podcast | How To Save Your Marriage | How To Stop Your Divorce

I just googled, “how to save your marriage.”  There were 607,000,000.  Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them?  How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing? It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good.  And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information.  What are their qualifications?  How do they even approach it? I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed.  And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff.  I remember when Google started.  That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results.  Still a lot. But far more manageable. With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm.  Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start.  Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything i

Things hit a bad spot in your marriage… and your spouse isn’t sure about staying or leaving the marriage.  Sure, it may have been a relationship issue, but you may be feeling blamed. It’s pretty common to go looking for the “bad guy” in any situation.  And even if both of you are in pain and frustrated, you may be wanting to stay.  While you may be able to point to things your spouse needs to change, you can probably see that approach is unlikely to get you very far. And noting the relationship problems?  That might “fall on deaf ears,” too. Which means you may just be catching the blame. And maybe you even agree with the critiques aimed your way.  Maybe you even agree that there are some changes you need to make. Now what? Yes, you absolutely want to make the changes. Maybe to prove you can.  Maybe because you know you would be a better person for having changed. Here is the problem:  Change is hard, and rarely straightforward.  When we make any significant changes in life, we are highly unlikely to

“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage.  Besides, what is the point?" Let’s face it:  right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained.  And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up.  Much less when everything feels upside down! Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down?  Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any? There are some underlying reasons why it may feel like there is no more energy… and it isn’t really about not having energy. More importantly, there are some things you can do to do an “energy reset.”  Make a shift… then save your marriage. I cover the underlying issues and the way to solve them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Self-Care Series Dealing with Fear Having a Plan Simplify your Efforts Save The Marriage System

So many marital crises start with this phrase, "I'm not happy."  In panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse. The next step is often, "I need space."  But that is even scarier!  And in panic mode, a spouse reacts and things get worse. Maybe an in-house separation.  Maybe a full separation.  Emotional separation becomes physical separation. All from a spouse stating an emotional state of concern:  "I'm not happy." One part of dealing with a marital crisis is dealing with "emotional space."  It is crucial to understand emotional space. In this podcast episode, I want to discuss why that emotional space is so difficult to manage.  Why do people get sucked into taking actions that cause more issues?  Why do people find it so hard to give a spouse that requested "space"? We discuss why "space" is so hard on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Where is the Gap? Fears and Marriage Boundaries in Marriage How To Show Up Save The Marriage System

Roles.  We all have them.  We all play them. Some are "identity roles."  They identify us in the role.  For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband." Some are "function roles."  They identify what we do.  For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker,"  and "podcaster" (among others).  They tell you what I do, what role I play in life. Then there are "attribution roles."  They try to describe why we do something. And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention.  Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck.  And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them. Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim. To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim. And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies.  That is a role that you may assign.  But it will keep you stuck. Listen in

Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual.  As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis. Have you ever tried to save a drowning person? This can be kind of like that.  Get too close, and they will drag you under with them.  Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision.  Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby... and anyone. And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning... even with no water (other than tears).  The desperation is there.  The flailing is there.  And if you aren't careful, you can get pulled under. One person in crisis is enough.  Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship. Don't allow yourself to get pulled under. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under. RELATED RESOURCES Your Spouse Is Not The Enemy Conflict In Marriage Control

You've decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress. Then, BAM!  You hit a wall. A wall of fear.  Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up. But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts.  In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts.  Fears and actions are not the same.  Fears are fears.  Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power. When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people... and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just "background noise." Which will they be for you? Listen to the podcast episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Relationship Fears 3 C's of Saving A Marriage Why Save It? Facing Fears and Moving Forward Save The Marriage System

Since Valentine's Day is passed and the hearts have come down in the stores (except in the clearance area), we can face a reality that confuses many people. “Our marriage is broken,” she told me.  “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.” Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else? Most relationships are sparked by infatuation.  Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage.  It is, though, not the goal. For most, that part of a relationship is a stage.  It naturally cools over time.  This is just the nature of an attraction.  It tempers over time.  Which means that we can get back to the rest of life — the parts of life that get disregarded in the heat of passion. Does that mean you must just let romance and passion fall by the wayside?  Not at all.  You just can’t count on it as the focus. Unfortunately, people often judge a mar

Recently, more and more people have been asking about "Marriage Intensives."  If you aren't familiar, these are often week-end (and sometimes week-long) events with lots and lots of (usually therapy) sessions.  The theory is that an intensive treatment is needed to save a marriage. Often (but not always), they are run by therapists.  Either they come to you or you go to them.  And then, you "hit it hard."  You may do multi-hour, multiple times per day, sessions over the days you spend together. The plan is to send you home, having resolved your issues and all fixed. If that is something you have (or are) considering, please take a listen to the podcast, as I talk through these approaches.  I am hoping I can help you make an informed decision.  And if you have already been to one, listen in to see if you think I am accurate.  I'd love to hear your experience. Listen in below as we discuss whether a marriage intensive is for you.   RELATED RESOURCES The Dangers of Therapy Am I Against Therapy? How to Guar

There are lots of myths about marriage.  But there is one myth that comes up over and over.  In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship. The question is whether you step into the trap or not.  Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage?  Or a better question:  has it already damaged your marriage? How is the trap set? Think back to the beginning of your relationship.  The early days.  When you were so happy to have found that "one."  Remember how giddy it felt to hear from that special person?  How happy you were to see each other?  How much better life seemed?  It was intoxicating. And plays directly into this myth. This myth is all about marriage and happiness... and the role of a spouse. Listen to this week's podcast to understand this myth... and why it is so dangerous! RELATED RESOURCES: The Goal Of Marriage Being A WE Other Myths of Marriage "I'm Not Happy" Save The Marriage System

It’s a partnership.  Right? Right? Well, in any partnership, there has to be a way to make decisions.  And how a couple makes decisions reveals how they balance power (or don’t balance it). Not every couple will balance it in the same way.  But trouble comes when the two people in the couple are not both in agreement and on-board with how power is shared. Many arguments and disagreements are either fueled by or end in a power struggle. And when decisions are made without a feeling of shared buy-in, those decisions rarely get us anywhere useful. In fact, when one person feels left out of the decision, it is unlikely that the outcome will serve the relationship — if it succeeds at all! So, how DOES a couple share power.  How DOES a couple make decisions that both feel good about? In this episode of the podcast, I discuss how couples can do a better job of sharing power with Dr. Wyatt Fisher.  A Licensed Psychologist, Wyatt draws on his clinical work and his own marriage experience to answer how couples ca

You've been working on saving your marriage... and you aren't seeing the traction you want.  Or maybe is just isn't moving as fast as you would like. Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want. But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good? Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it? Yes. There are common situations I see in my coaching, where someone's efforts to save a marriage are actually doing more harm than good.  Interestingly, people make the same mistakes others have made. More interestingly, they are easy to see when they are pointed out.  And more importantly, they can be corrected, once you can see them. So, let's talk about the times when people do more harm than good in their efforts to save a marriage. RELATED RESOURCES Importance of Connection Stop Chasing Apologies and Forgiving You Need A Plan Show Up Save The Marriage System

You’ve been following my 4 C’s to work on the 3 C’s of saving your marriage, right?  (Hang with me if that seems like gibberish — just me trying to make it simple.  I explain it in this episode/) Maybe you can see some ground you are gaining, progress you are making. Which may lead you to wonder how this all turns around.  Will it be all-of-the-sudden, in an “aha” moment, or will it be a slow, steady climb to normality and love in the relationship? It is a great question.  And one that “D” sent to me, hoping I would respond on the Save The Marriage Podcast. And I did!  I cover it on this week’s episode. RELATED RESOURCES 3C Approach 4th C Will It Turn Around? Book: How To Save Your Marriage System:  Save The Marriage

I’ve been answering listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast.  And in this episode, I pull together a repeating question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?" Several people told me they were still married, just for the sake of the kids.  Several told me that their spouse was still there because they could not afford to separate, much less to divorce.  And some told me they stayed married just to avoid having to hit the dating scene.  And then, there is that anxiety of “what will people think?”  So, they stay together. But is that enough, they ask?  Should they only stay together for these “wrong reasons?" You can make a perspective shift and use those “wrong reasons” to get you to the right place in your relationship. I cover 4 ways to get there in this episode of the podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Connecting Changing Conflict Convincing - don’t! Save The Marriage System  

Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be.  How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse.  Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be. There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there.  You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation.  And we don’t use it when someone is doing what we want.  It is when they are not. As I have discussed in other episodes, expectations almost always end badly.  It is a dead-end street that does nothing useful for any relationship.  But especially a marriage! I often watch couples (or one spouse) struggle with wanting things a spouse cannot give.  And when that happens, it slowly moves a marriage to hurt, resentment, disappointment, and even disdain. All because of an expectation that can’t be met. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I look at 5 things a spouse is NOT (and cannot be).  Then, we spend some time discussing what a spouse CAN be (once you get past th

Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now? Well, that would put you in good company!  I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few. What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed.  The separation or divorce is off the table.  The affair is over.  The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom.  For most, communication was much improved.  For many, lots of things had improved. Several told me how they had used my program and were closer now than ever before. But…. And this is where there is often some diversity of answers.  Things felt stuck/stagnant/in limbo.  Physical contact and connection was still missing.  Trust was still struggling. In other words, they had left the crisis phase of things, but were now in a chronic phase. The marriage was not fixed.  It just was no longer on life-support. So, what now? Well, I discuss it in this episode of the podcast.  You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Crisis and Chro

You probably know that I'm on the side of your marriage.  I'm all about saving a marriage. But does that mean that EVERY marriage will be saved, or even should be saved? No. First, there are times when BOTH people want to leave the marriage.  At that point, there is nothing that WILL save the marriage.  There has to be energy from AT LEAST one person, in order for anything to change. Second, there are times when the toxicity level is high, creating a toxic situation for the spouses.  In fact, there are 3 times when it MAY be too toxic.  And there is 1 time when it absolutely too toxic to work on the marriage. Let me tell you 5 symptoms of elevated toxicity, 3 times you may need to step back, and 1 time you definitely need to step back from the marriage. RELATED RESOURCES: Domestic Violence Help Anger & Resentment Coping Issues And Marriages Save The Marriage System

It's a false belief in our culture that we need to "trust our gut" and "follow our emotions."  Emotions change.  Feelings shift.  And we can't even say what our emotions are, much of the time. Sure, you can feel an emotion.  But tell me what it is?  What it means?  Why it is there right now... and might be gone in 5 minutes?  Or tomorrow? Let's be clear:  a hurting marriage is painful.  Conflict is tough.  Not connecting with someone close to you is frustrating.  But does that mean that it is time to give up and walk away?  What if your emotions are all over the place, making you feel like you need to give up and walk away. Is that a reason to give up? Notice:  "feel like" is seen as a "reason." Many people tell me they just need to "follow their emotions."  I remind them that there is a group of people who do this... children -- around 3 years old!  Because they think that the emotion is truth.  They are angry, so they throw a fit.  5 minutes later, the anger is gone, so they are happy to play.  Until t

Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo?  That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things?  Is it a spouse who has you stuck there? Well, that was the situation for “J.”  He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away. He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship. What should he do?? I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  And it may just be where you find yourself, too.  Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away. How do you deal with “Limbo”?  We discuss it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: 3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage 3 A’s in Your Control 3 Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System

Mid Life Crisis… the butt of many jokes.  And a crisis for many marriages!  I have seen several studies that challenged whether there is such a thing as a mid life crisis.  I don’t find many of my therapist or coach friends wondering that.  We see it every day. And I see the strain a MLC can place on an already-hurting marriage.  If the marriage is disconnected already, a MLC turns into a MLMC (mid life marriage crisis).  Which often leads to compounding issues, like an affair. What can you do, if your spouse is having a mid life crisis?  And what if it is complicated by an affair? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what a MLC is, when it can become a MLMC, and what to do in response.  Even if there is an affair. (Why this episode?  Because a listener asked.  If you have a question — a Goldilocks question, as I discuss in the episode — you can send it here.)   RELATED RESOURCES: Mid Life Crisis Series Why Connection is So Important The Pause Button Dealing with Affairs My Book: