Save The Marriage Podcast | How To Save Your Marriage | How To Stop Your Divorce

Are you stuck questioning whether your spouse is the RIGHT spouse, whether your love is REAL, whether there is someone ELSE, or maybe your spouse is being unfaithful? That is often very normal. To a degree. It is entirely normal for people in regular, normal, healthy relationships to have questions that just pop up from time-to-time.  That is just what our brain does.  It tosses out “bait” of thoughts, to see which ones you bite on (which just sets the hook) and which ones pass.  Which ones you LET pass. And there are times, when a relationship is toxic, that you have those thoughts because your mind is trying to get your attention — to get you to ACT. And then, there is a third category.  When those thoughts become obsessive.  When they keep you stuck.  There are some clinicians that refer to this as ROCD — Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The problem is, those 3 points can be, ummmm… less than clear. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer a listener’s question as a way

I don’t know about you, but I just don’t do things perfectly.  I make mistakes. Okay, I’ll admit it:  I DO know about you.  You make mistakes, too.  And how do I know?? We ALL make mistakes!  Especially when we are doing things that are tough, important, and stressful.  And when we don’t know what we are doing, anyway. And I’m pretty sure that saving your marriage is tough, important, and stressful.  Oh, and if you are like most people, you don’t really know what you are doing (if you did, you wouldn’t be here — on this page or with a struggling relationship). So let’s just assume that you have made some mistakes.  On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we talk about what to do.  I cover questions from two T’s.  Different questions, it would seem.  But at their core, they are very similar.  So, I give some info that applies to each situation, and then we dive into what to do when mistakes are made. And they WILL be made! Listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES What NOT To Do The 4 C’s

Hot and cold.  That is often what I hear people describe.  About their spouses.  One minute/hour/day/week, there is warmth and connection… things seem to be improving.  And in the next minute/hour/day/week, the cold returns.  Distance and dread return.  Are things going south?  Is this the time when things don’t turn around? And then… the pattern repeats again. It can through you off your efforts, discourage you, even tempting you to give up. So, what is that all about, anyway? “M” is in this very situation.  She wants to understand it, so she knows how to respond (not react, but respond).  It may be YOUR question, too.  Especially if your spouse did what M’s spouse did:  Gave the “ILYBNILWY” speech (“I Love You But Not In Love With You”) I explain what is going on here, and what to do about it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Confusion or Connection 3 C’s 4th C Don’t React Save The Marriage System My Books

You’ve taken steps to save your marriage.  And it seems to be working!  Things are improving.  The ice is melting.  Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there. And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apology letter the way that I recommend.  But you also know that when to talk — when to address the issues — is a big concern.  If you ask too soon, do you risk a setback? A podcast listener recently sent in a question about that.  Her anxiety has been building about their progress.  She can see the signs.  But what about that “elephant in the room?”  Is it time to address it? In this episode of the podcast, I respond to “S” to bring some clarity to the question, “When to Talk?" You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Save The Marriage System My Books What NOT to Do The Importance of an Apology

We all do it.  We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt. Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis.  For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife." I answer him in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. But before I answer that specific question, I go into some dangers of separation (they ended up in an “in-house” separation).  And I pull apart the myth of “work on myself OR work on the relationship." As is often the case when I respond to an email question, this doesn’t just apply to R.  It may very well apply to YOU! (Oh, and by the way, if you have the “Goldilocks question” — not too broad, not too specific, but just right — send me your question for possible answers in future podcast episodes. I tell you how in the podcast episode.) You can listen to the episode below. RELATED TOPICS: Apologies Forgivi

We all have limiting beliefs.  You... me... and your spouse!  I always work to change my limiting beliefs.  You are probably doing the same.  But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs! What is a limiting belief?  It is a mostly-FALSE belief.  But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities.  Potentials for change. Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN'T happen, what is NOT possible. Even when there are possibilities. Even when things CAN change. If someone can't see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward.  So, they stay stuck.  And if it is a spouse who can't see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ's question about how to deal with her spouse's belief that "if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy."  I also address several other false/limiting beliefs... and what to do about them. Listen in below. RELATED

Roles. We all have them. We all play them. Some are "identity roles." They identify us in the role. For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband." Some are "function roles." They identify what we do. For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker," and "podcaster" (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life. Then there are "attribution roles." They try to describe why we do something. And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them. Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim. To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim. And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck. Listen in to this podca

Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around... for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction.  Does it take days?  Weeks??  Years??? I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast. That doesn't mean YOUR marriage will.  But it often does happen. Why is it that a marriage can feel like it is on the edge of collapse, and then seemingly come back to life overnight? It all has to do with a basic human need that we all have.  It is the central part of a marriage, and goes so deep that when it is missing, it is painful.  When it is restored (the right way), it is immediately healing.  Listen below for why marriage turn quickly (and why the don't). RELATED RESOURCES Connection is the Lifeblood There is no Pause No Manipulation Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System  

Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis.  But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful. Let's backtrack just a minute.  What is Crisis Clarity? Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage.  Maybe you asked about it.  Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track. Then suddenly, the crisis emerges.  You learn about an affair.  Your spouse gives you the "love you, not in love with you" speech.  Your spouse wants to separate.  You get divorce papers.  Or... fill in the blank ____________. It is no longer a theoretical problem. It is a full-blown crisis! And that crisis gets your attention.  Your FULL attention. That is Crisis Clarity. Yes, it can be helpful.  And it can also be harmful. How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause Button Marriage Why Connectio

On a regular basis, people want to tell me about the problem with their marriage.  Then, they tell me about the current crisis:  "my spouse doesn't love me/is having an affair/won't talk to me/wants to separate/wants to divorce/etc./etc." They want to solve the crisis.  And they think THAT is the problem! They would be wrong. What they are describing is a symptom.  Not the problem. If you try to solve a symptom, all you get are other symptoms.  No resolution, no help, and no change. We don't just do it about a marriage issue.  If you are running a fever, you may decide to take some acetaminophen or ibuprofen.  And you might feel better (the fever likely comes down).  But if there is an underlying problem, treating the symptom means that some other symptom will just emerge... and it may be even worse! In this podcast, I look at the difference between a symptom (the crisis) and the problem (what led to the crisis). That will help you to actually make a difference in your marriage, solve the crisis, and re

Every now and then (well, actually quite frequently), people tell me stories about how parenting didn’t exactly elicit the best response.  Many times, people tell me with regret over words and actions they wish they had not expressed.  Sure, there is some shame, maybe some blame. But there is often very little change. On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down with Larry Hagner and discuss how his bad moment with his child led to change.  Not just for Larry, but for many other people. You see, Larry didn’t have a great example of how to be a good parent.  So he was doing the best he could with the tools at hand.  But it was not going the way he wanted.  So, he decided that something had to change. He decided that HE had to change! It became a quest, to be a better parent… to be a better partner and person, too! Larry started (some time back) by starting a FB group that looked to get others to share their parenting wisdom.  This grew and grew. When it became clear that others were look

Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages. Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage -- happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage -- this applies! If you are struggling through -- this applies! If you aren't sure if it will survive -- this applies! A few weeks ago, a reporter asked for some truths for couples. After nearly 3 decades of working with couples, and almost 30 years of marriage, those truths were pretty quick to come to mind. And after I was done talking, I realized that I needed to share the information in my podcast, so that you could access it, too. Please, feel free to share it with others who are married, so they know the truth about marriage -- and can build a great relationship! RELATED RESOURCES Immutable Laws of Marriage Series Connection Resources Dealing with

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy. But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It's just that most people express themselves fairly well. For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue. Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue. In this episode, I offer 3 rules for better communication -- communication that leads to connection! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Communication Mistakes What Y

We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship. Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence. As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship. Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way... that you are just following your spouse's lead... or the lead of the world around you. But we all get to choose how we will Show Up. We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don't have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life. How do YOU Show Up? Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to! RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's of Saving a Marriage Forgiveness and Marriage Apologies and Marriage How To Really Sho

I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me successfully determine which marriages could be saved.  Yes, it is true.  Not every marriage WILL be saved.  I can't guarantee that. But I DO think there is a "reverse" guarantee.  If your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, I can pretty much guarantee that your marriage will NOT survive.  But guarantee that it WILL survive?  I can't do that. What I try to do, instead, is "stack the deck" in your favor.  I try to provide tools and change that will INCREASE the chances of your saving your marriage.  And not just save.  Help it to thrive.  Help you to build a marriage that BOTH of you would treasure and protect. Some people act like it is just a game of chance.  A flip of the coin.  Heads up, you stay married; tails up, you divorce.  That is NOT the case.  You can improve your chances.  But not just by trying "a little of this, a little of that."  You need a coherent process and method, along with some tools and understandings. But what I have noticed is

I'll bet you know exactly what I mean by the Gut Punch Moment.  It is when your spouse says, "I don't love you" or that variation, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you."  Or when you discover the affair or other marital infidelity (including financial).  Or when you discover some other hidden part of your spouse's life that makes you question everything.  Or when your spouse announces the need to separate.  Or the divorce papers arrive. Gut punch. You lose your breath. You feel like a rug has been ripped from underneath your feet. Gut punch. And it might not be the first!  It might be in the midst of efforts to save what you already know is a hurting marriage.  Then, you find out more.  Gut punch #2 (or 3, 4, 5....). It wouldn't be a surprise if you don't react the way you want to or wish you had.  That is often what happens.  And then, there is a spouse looking at you, surprised by your reaction (do remember that whatever that gut punch, they already knew it -- they had already prepared!). But wha

You’ve been doing your best to work on your marriage… to resolve your marriage crisis.  Then, you find yourself exhausted.  You can’t find your focus.  You wonder if you even care.  The negativity creeps in, followed by hopelessness. Sound familiar? That would be Crisis Fatigue.  It is what happens when a crisis isn’t resolved quickly.  When the crisis covers days, weeks, even months (and maybe even years) it can wear on you.  And all that effort you were putting into resolution falls to the side.  You find yourself not following through on your plan. Your efforts fail as you fall into exhaustion. Crisis Fatigue. But don’t let the Crisis Fatigue keep you stuck!  You can deal with it, move beyond it, and continue your efforts.  You can do that when you learn how to combat Crisis Fatigue.  That is what we cover on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. I discuss what Crisis Fatigue is, why it happens, what happens when it hits, and how to deal with it.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES What's Your

For lots of people, this past Monday could not pass fast enough.  I heard from a number of people with struggling marriages that told me Valentine’s Day was just one more hurdle.  Not a celebration of love, but a moment of further resentment and pain. Does romance just die with “I do”?  Some people seem to think so.  For others, the waning romantic feelings are one more proof that the marriage is dead, that the love is gone. How did we go to using just the romantic feelings as the basis for love?  When did this become proof that something was wrong? And why do we seem to believe that the romantic feelings are either there… or they aren’t? Somehow, this has become twisted, that romantic feelings lead to love, rather than the romantic feelings flowing from connection AND action. When we disconnect, it shouldn’t be a surprise that those warm, romantic feelings also suffer.  And then, somehow, many people fail to see that the connection and love flows from loving action. So, can it be turned around? In thi

I remember saying to a couple on my couch, both claiming they were doing more and working harder for their relationship, “It’s not a competition!" They didn’t much seem to believe me.  They were simultaneously trying to win while proving they were losing.  Yep, they were trying to win at a game of “who does more and gets less.”  I am not sure what the trophy would have been, but the “prize” appeared to be a battered and painful marriage. And they weren’t alone.  They AREN’T alone!  Lots of couples act like they are in a competition to win. And they think it is an individual sport, not a team sport! That’s where the damage happens.  Instead of playing to win at life, they are playing to win against a spouse. Against.  Anytime you find yourself against your spouse, you can guarantee the outcome is not a win for the team.  It is not a help for the marriage… for the relationship. With every win you get in an individual competition, there is a loser… in this case, your spouse.  And if your spouse wins, you lo

The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response: You Don’t! (Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!) Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary. I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail. But why? There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spous