Save The Marriage Podcast | How To Save Your Marriage | How To Stop Your Divorce

People are quirky.  We all have strange and interesting habits and interests.  No two people are alike. In fact, most people want to claim their uniqueness, to be seen as unique, an individual — “being your own person." Yet all of us crave one thing:  validation and approval.  We did it in high school ("I am SO different, along with everyone else") and we do it through adulthood. In fact, one of the aphrodisiacs of a relationship is feeling validated, approved, and accepted by the other person.  It is what helps form the bonds early in relationship-building.  It fuels the attraction and connection… love. Does YOUR spouse feel validated and accepted? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, discover how this can make or break a relationship.  Hear the 6 traps that may keep your spouse from feeling validated -- and what to do about it! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: 2 Necessary Feelings The Importance of Connection Are You On The Same Team? Save The Marriage System

It happens.  In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity.  A spouse negative about the marriage.  Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage.  You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt). Negativity comes from several sources:  fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity. Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly -- negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage. Is there another alternative? You bet there is! I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome.  Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don't catch it yourself.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: You Need A Plan Dealing With Your Resentment Dealing With Your Spouse's Resentment Grab The Save The Marriage System

Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance?? Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3.... No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway! One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming. And so does the feeling of shame! "Why can't I/we figure this out?", they wonder. And then, they dance it again. How can you stop the dance? How can you find better steps? Better ways of moving through life? That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below). I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them... along with how to make a shift. RELATED RESOURCES Show Up Anger and Resentment (Yours) Anger and Resentment (Your Spouse's) Stepping Up The Save The Marriage System

You've been working hard. You've been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself. You've been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily. You feel good about what you are doing. You believe you are gaining grown. But then, your spouse doesn't notice any change at all! What happened? Why can't your spouse see the changes? It can be challenging, frustrating, hurtful, and downright defeating. But there is a reason your spouse isn't noticing (or admitting to noticing) the changes. In fact, there are 3 reasons why your spouse doesn't see the changes. Let's take a look at the 3 reasons, and start creating a strategy to make those changes visible. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: "Can Every Marriage Be Saved?" "Can MY Marriage Be Saved?" How One Person Did It! Save The Marriage System

It almost seems redundant, doesn't it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something -- say, for example, your marriage. I say IF you have limited beliefs. Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don't notice them. And we pay a price for that. Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs. Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage? I'm betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us. Here's the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs. Once you know what they are. And decide to change them Listen below for this week's podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Myths About Marriage (And Saving It) Fears That Hold You Back Is Your Spouse Stuck? Grab The Save The Marriage System

I am way too uncool to ever use "Diss" in a conversation. That said, I will drop it into a headline, because I see too many couples "dissing" their relationship, without even meaning to. Distraction, Disinterest, and Disconnection lead to Disrespect of your relationship. And it often becomes habit, usually without you meaning to. The bad news is, these 3 ways you "diss" a relationship eat away at the foundations. The good news is that once you know what you are doing, you can change it. Even turn it around. Learn how you are dissing your marriage, and how to stop in this week's podcast. Listen below. RESOURCES: Power of Connection Marriage Crisis Mistakes to Avoid Why Your Efforts May Be Failing Save The Marriage System

I admit it.  The phone call got under my skin.  We were traveling and I answered the call.  The person asked if I was the "save the marriage guy."  I told him I was.  He told me he didn't want my System.  Just the secret, the "short-cut." When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn't want to go through all of that.  He just needed the "trick," the short-cut. We went round and round for a couple more minutes. I realized I was not going to convince him, but all the "short-cuts" he had been trying is what got him to here. He hung up, likely still looking for the "short-cut." And I was left thinking.  Wondering.  Pondering. And realizing that there is a distinct difference between being efficient and trying to find the "trick."  Those "tricks" are all the things on the internet about "hypnosis," "reverse psychology," "spells," or any of those other manipulations. You can be efficient in your efforts.  You can be effective in your plan.  But not by taking the "short-cuts" that are really jus

I often get a message that goes something like this, “We have been making progress on our marriage.  I’ve been working hard to reconnect, and think I have done a good job.  But lately, we don’t seem to be making any more progress.  Did my spouse Friend Zone me??" Since I have heard this from coaching clients and total strangers, people in my program and listeners of my podcast, I thought I needed to address it. First, let me just say, there is a “Zone” of disconnection and recovery that can feel like a stagnant friend zone.  But is that really what it is? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what people mean when they say “Friend Zoned” or “Roommates Only,” and why it happens.  I also discuss what a healthy marriage looks like.  We dive into the process of connection (along with disconnection and reconnection).  And I talk about why you always pass through this zone… in both directions. Then, we discuss why some people get stuck here.  And we look at how to make sure you don’t get st

I have some friends who have been in different bootcamps this past year.  Most are fitness-oriented… getting back into shape, improving your running, improving your tennis, things like that. Bootcamps are great ways to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible, so you perform better. In the military, people go through bootcamp to get ready to be a soldier.  It is intense and challenging, but designed to get someone ready to face a challenge elsewhere. Bootcamps are a great way to get up-to-speed for what comes next. Which is why I created the Husband Bootcamp. I remember sitting in my office with a couple trying to get back on-track.  They were stumbling and struggling.  Then, she turned toward him and said, “You are a good man.  But you are a bad husband.” It was like a hammer at hit him in the face.  He was embarrassed and upset.  At first, he was angry.  But then, he caught himself, turned to me, and said, “I am doing the best I can… and I am failing.  What can I do?" That started an impromptu bootcamp.

I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable? Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right? Some people do make the effort to save their marriage... but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit... and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed. Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do! And save their marriage, they do! The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.” The choice between the two? All yours. Listen to this episode of the podcast for more on making those real changes.

First, let me be clear:  if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else!  This won't apply to you! But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me!  YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode.  That "some reason" is what I want to take a look at. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the 4 "F" words that are keeping you from taking action... keeping you from saving your marriage. I discuss 4 reasons why you are stuck and aren't saving your marriage.  Just to be clear, these are the reasons you are stuck... and has nothing to do with what your spouse is doing. Let's be clear about what typically holds people back.  And yes, there may be some other reasons. I want to cover the 4 reasons I see repeatedly. And yes, they can keep you from taking any action. Unless, of course, you find an alternative.  I'll give you that alternative, too. RELATED RESOUR

No, this isn't some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature. We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch. This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis. A marriage -- much less a marriage crisis -- is not an on/off situation, and no simple switch will turn it around. Yet that is what many people want. The solution that is as easy as flipping a switch. Yes, your marriage can be saved and improved, but not with some simple switch.  Instead, think about it as dials. Instead of a master switch, there can be a number of dials. Dialing up connection. Dialing down conflict. Dialing up warmth. Dialing down resentment. We discuss this tendency to look for a switch -- and the need to focus on the dials --  in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED

"You are just too selfish and self-centered.  That is why we have marriage problems."  Have you heard that before? A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage.  I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that.  Maybe even said she is selfish. It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office... from both people!  At the same time! Both accuse the other of causing the problems because they are too selfish and self-centered. To be clear, it is entirely possible to be self-centered and selfish... certainly completely out of balance with what is healthy.  And it is possible to be accused of that, but it is really something else. Let's talk about your perspective, what it might mean to be "selfish," and when it might be a problem (along with when it might actually be another problem). Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES WE is the Goal Working on WE, Working on ME Pause-Button Problems Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System

It's a predicament, isn't it?  It would be so much easier to save your marriage... if it weren't for that pesky spouse.  (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.) You make an effort, your spouse resists.  You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward... and tries to drag you back, too! What DO you do?  When your spouse is so convinced that nothing can change. Or maybe when your spouse starts to see some possibility... and you don't know what to do, what to share, how to help. Quite the predicament, isn't it? It certainly is for Lauren and Kristine.  They both emailed me questions for the podcast.  Seemingly from different places in the process.  But both were stuck on the Spouse Predicament. Lauren has a spouse who cannot see a way forward, and resists every effort.  Is he being selfish? Should Lauren feel shame that she keeps trying... in spite of his resistance? And Kristine is still stuck in the predicament.  But her spouse is seeing a possibility, a glimmer of hope.  How does Kri

I've seen it so many times.  A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart.  Then, suddenly, it is ending!  Slowly, then all at once. A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending:  they slowly drifted apart. You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat.  I sure didn't.  I've seen it over and over.  Nothing drastic or sudden.  Just slowly disconnecting.  Slowly drifting apart.  And slowly failing. Maybe you hit the Pause Button... and didn't know how dangerous that can be! Maybe it was easier to just ignore the little issues... the ones that are much larger in the face of disconnection. But either way, the ending of a marriage just starts slowly, imperceptibly... until one person finally "can't do it anymore."  And then, the crisis is deep.  Deeper than you knew. How does it work?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Importance of Connection The Pause Button Marriage Healing Disco

Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage? Yes. These are pretty common actions people take, not knowing that they are doing MORE damage, and making it even MORE difficult to save their marriage. I wanted to cover these 10 ways you can mess up on saving your marriage, not to point out any mistakes,  but to help you avoid and prevent those mistakes. And if you have already made those mistakes, then start where you are.  Just be sure not to fall back into the same traps and mistakes that likely got you here. Take a listen below and let me know if you have something to add to the list! RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's to Save Your Marriage Why Connection is So Important How to Show Up to Your Marriage Grab the Save The Marriage System  

Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marriage. Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage. In this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage. These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC. Acceptance Responsibility Control Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage. RELATED RESOURCE: Control Responsibility Thrive Principles Save The Marriage System

Connection is the lifeblood of any relationship… and especially a marriage.  When connection is cut off, the relationship falters.  When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk. This concept is the backbone of my approach.  It is the core of my System — restoring the connection. Which is the problem.  Many people push and push for connection, leading to — ironically — even less connection and more push-back. The concept of connection as the most important factor in saving a marriage suddenly hits a wall.  The techniques people use to restore connection lead to DIS-connection, rather than connection. Instead of helping, I notice many people are harming their attempts to save their marriage.  Not from ill-will but misunderstanding. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore the principle of Connect, Don’t Crowd.  This principle is the 1st of 10 I covered with my VIP Virtual Coaching members.  But it was so important, I wanted to make sure you understand it.  (The other 9 are st

Slowly, slowly... you are making progress!  You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working! Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough.  Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow.  You can feel it! But you try hard not to let it out.  To keep on moving forward.  To keep on making connections. Until... Maybe it was something small... Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing... maybe even a big thing!)... And BOOM!  You blow up! You use a tone you wish you hadn't.  You say things you wish you hadn't.  You do things you wish you hadn't. BLOW UP! ... and then it passes. But the damage is done. Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain. So, let's talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up!  It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem. Listen to this week's podcast episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Too Late? Making Up For Mistakes And Back

Are you and your spouse addicted to blame?  Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)? Or maybe you are just blaming yourself.  You see this whole mess as YOUR fault. Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK.  It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility). Blame is highly corrosive to connection.  And it freezes up the process of change.  It freezes out any chance for change. And it is unnecessary.  (Oh, and don't fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame.  Blame your spouse or blame yourself.  Same outcome.) Let's break the addiction to blame. And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE. OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES Anger and Marriage Healing YOUR Resentment Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment The Importance of Connection The Save The Marriage System