Save The Marriage Podcast | How To Save Your Marriage | How To Stop Your Divorce

“Marriage should be 50/50,” many a well-intentioned couple told me before they got married.  I knew they were in trouble.  And for all of the best of intentions!  They wanted to be equals.  Equal responsibility and equal coverage. Which is exactly what was heading them straight toward the trouble. Yes, they had the best of intentions.  And yes, it is a great ideal to want to equally contribute in the relationship. And yes, that headed them straight for trouble. Why? Because they had already signed on to judge each other on fairness.  If it was 50-50, both people would surely be watching to make sure their 50% was matched by their spouse’s 50%. And interestingly, the likelihood of both making the same estimate of 50% was 0%. This is exactly the situation that my guests, Kaley and Nate Klemp, found themselves in.  And it started early in their marriage… highlighted by an argument over shoes at the door!  But that same struggle threatened their marriage… highlighted by an argument over who should pick up th

Feelings.  We all have them. What we feel, and how we make others feel. Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings.  And we try to get away from those feelings. In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel.  So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way. Unfortunately, that "something" is more a "someone," the spouse. Are YOU making your spouse feel something that is causing him or her to want to get away? There are 2 primary feelings that must be in a strong relationship.  The opposite of those feelings tend to push couples apart. Those 2 feelings? Feeling wanted. Feeling accepted. You may not feel wanted or accepted.  If you are working on saving and improving your relationship, let me suggest you set that aside for now.  Focus on how you can help your spouse feel wanted and accepted. In this podcast episode, I talk about these feelings (and their opposites) and 3 ways you may be hurting those feelin

Many times, people tell me that their marriage was doing just fine (well, at least OK), and then it was in trouble, “All at once,” that they “didn’t see it coming,” and that others thought they “were the ‘perfect couple’ — then this.”  In fact, many people tell me about love notes and loving cards last year, last month, even last week. What happened?  How could the marriage fall about, seemingly out of nowhere? The simple answer is, it didn’t. Marriage crises do not come out of nowhere, and are far less sudden than you might think. As one divorce attorney put it, marriages “fall apart little by little, then all at once.” The hurts, pains, disconnections, lost opportunities, and slights build up over time.  And suddenly, they hit a threshold.  I call it the Threshold Problem.  You didn’t see the threshold coming, until it hits.  Until the marriage runs out of gas.  Then, you have a hard time seeing how you got to the threshold.  So it looks like it was out of the blue, out of nowhere. But it wasn’t.  It

You've been working hard to reconnect and change yourself.  You're proud of your efforts.  But your spouse just isn't buying. For whatever reason, your spouse just does not trust the changes -- or maybe doesn't even see the changes! Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall?  Like nothing you are doing is making a difference?  Like your spouse has already judged you and won't allow themselves to see something different? In this episode, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn't willing or able to see a change.  Included are the times your spouse might acknowledge that there has been a change, but doesn't trust that the change will last. Does that describe your situation?  If so, please listen.  I also discuss how to shift this dynamic in your favor. RELATED RESOURCES How to Stay in the Game Don’t Try to Make, Get, or Cause Healing A Spouse’s Resentments Why Connection Is So Important Save The Marriage System

We had been talking for at least half an hour.  I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do.  I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing. Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out.  They want a loving, connected relationship and right now, it has problems they can’t quite solve.  But they know something has to change, or they are headed for deeper problems and even divorce.  So, I work hard to show a way forward. I was pretty open with my concerns about therapy with this caller.  She had heard my podcasts on the subject and knew I had major reservations.  (Statistics are pretty clear on this topic.) Which is why I was a bit surprised when she asked, “So, could you recommend a therapist?" Okay, admittedly, I was not overly surprised.  I get the same request on a regular basis.  That, in spite of my clear discussions about marriage therapy issues, problems, and limita

You started working on saving your marriage.  Good for you! And then, you hit a bump.  You get knocked down.  Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional.  Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset.  Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s. And it knocks you down. Enough that you think it is over.  That you are at the end. But are you?  Or do you need to get back up? In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth.  I fall for that myth all the time.  I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward.  Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn. And guess what?  The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage. We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.   RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Discouragement You Need A Plan Not A Wish, A Plan Your Support Team Do You Need Coaching? Coaching Resource Page Save The Marriage System

What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant?  More distant than you would like? Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection? Is that the relationship you are stuck with?  Some connection.  Still married.  But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want? That is the question posed to me.  Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation.  But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be.  It isn’t where Mary wants it to be. What do you do, Mary wonders?  Accept it?  Make peace with the fact that her spouse does not want an intimate relationship with her? I delve into Mary’s question (which may also be your question) about what to do when the connection is still not there, even after some improvement.  I suggest 3 steps for Mary (and perhaps you) to take.  And yes, we start at acceptance.  But that is not about giving up! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Yet Co

In previous podcast episodes, I have answered questions submitted by listeners.  In fact, I still do.  You can email your questions by clicking here.  But since this podcast goes to listeners around the world, submitted questions need to be a) applicable to others, and b) not so broad that it is impossible to answer in a simple episode. But then, there are the short questions.  Both in the question and the needed response. So, in this episode, I round up the short questions, so I can address them all. All of them, though, started with this: “I want to save my marriage!" Most of the questions demonstrated the beginning point of learning… not even knowing the question to ask, but knowing what you want.  The senders knew they wanted to save their marriage, but weren’t sure even where to start and what to ask. But here is the important thing:  the questions still apply to you, whether you are at the same point or further along.  Listen in to hear my response to questions like where to start, what about some t

You have already journeyed to here.  Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain.  Maybe your connection has gone cold.  But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different. Somewhere better. It may seem cliche, but it is a journey.  And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way. Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love. Those four big stops? Apology Forgiving Trusting Reconciling Many assume that one follows the other, just points along the road.  But it is more like a subway system that might arrive at one station, having never paused at another.  You may pass one or more, or even arrive at each one, seemingly out of order. In reality, each of those four stops are distinct and separate.  They can happen separate from, or even without, the other stops. Let’s talk about these four stops in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen

You might feel like "tapping out," or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away. It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse.  You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship.  But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back. How do you "stay in the game?" Partly, it is mental.  But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, and keep on moving forward.  Let me share some strategies on how to "Stay in the Game" in this week's podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES “This Will Never Work” - What To Do What’s Your Plan? DWYADAGWYAG There IS No “Try” Book - Marriage Failpoint:  Why Marriages Fail Save The Marriage System

We are about to turn the page on the calendar.  For me, that means a look forward.  What will the new year hold?  What will I bring into the new year?  Either it happens to you or you make it happen. So what will we make happen? I just finished doing some research with people who have used my System, been clients, or in my programs. They divided into two groups:  those who succeeded in saving their marriage, and those who failed. My task was to determine what made the difference.  They all had the basic information from me on what went wrong and what needs to happen to make it right.  So, what made the difference above the basic information?  What, beyond my System, made a difference? As it turned out, there were 5 key factors.  I shared the full research with my VIP members last week.  But one piece reigned supreme.  In fact, it made the other 4 work. The key factor?? A plan. I discuss what that is all about in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below to understand more abo

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year?  I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year.  And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol.  This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past.  Yep.  Christmas, with new opportunities.  Here it is: Christmas Eve.  Chris and Holly have settled into bed.  Neither can sleep.  It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads. Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past.  Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure. What happened?  Where did their relationship fall into trouble? Can they find their way back? First, they will have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night. Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship?  Is there a path through the pain? Listen in below as Chris and Holly face the

Basic geometry, right?  The triangle?  Just three points and three lines connecting.  Simple.  A building block for geometric shapes of all kinds. And yet, in the context of relationships… it is detrimental.  Not a building block at all.  In fact, it undermines relationships. Yet, we find ourselves caught in triangles all the time.  Or more accurately, we are caught in triangles all the time.  We may not find ourselves, though, unless we know what to look for. During the last couple of weeks, I have been providing some deep training for my Virtual Intensive Program members about the Dysfunctional Triangle, the roles involved, how it works, why it is so destructive, and how to escape. That information is just too deep and in-depth to provide in a podcast.  But I did want to give you the basic concept of a triangle, so you can identify it. RELATED RESOURCES Communication Issues?  Nope The Importance of Showing Up Can Your Marriage Be Saved? Save The Marriage System (be sure and grab your free week of VIP)

Many times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next. When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action. And things continue in the downward spiral. So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination -- a little Jedi mind trick.  Imagine that you DID save your marriage.  You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage.  You look forward to spending time together.  Your issues resolve themselves peacefully and effectively. Now, you are looking back to see what you did, in order to save your marriage.  You notice how you approached the situation, how you dealt with the issues, and how you moved forward -- even in the face of frustration and difficulties. In today's podcast, we reflect on "what you did" to save your marriage -- and by doing that, we create a path for you to do just that:  Save Your Marriage. Listen below. (and if you are ready to take action, CLICK HERE FOR MY SYSTEM)

Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it?  Your "created past."  What is that? We all do it.  We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us.  When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection.  When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection. We rewrite the past, based on the present situation.  Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been. If you are wondering why your spouse can't remember the happier times, can't remember the passion, can't remember the connection, this is it.  The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection. Let's talk more about this in the podcast below: RELATED RESOURCES: Connection And Marriage Perceptions In Marriage Fears In Marriage Restoring Your Marriage

You were probably very happy when you got married.  You believed the happiness would always be there.  And now, your spouse is saying, “I’m not happy.”  Embedded in that seems to be some idea that you are the cause of it.  That you failed at keeping your spouse happy. No surprise.  Many people fall for this lie.  They don’t know it is a lie.  They believe it.  That a spouse should make you happy. Somehow, it is in the job description for a spouse.  They should make you happy. There is only one (little) problem with this… it is impossible! You can’t make your spouse happy.  And your spouse can’t make you happy. Sure, you can certainly make each other miserable.  But happy?  Nope.  Not possible. Even if you thought you made each other happy before.  Sure, you may have been happy.  And your relationship may have seemed to be a source of joy.  But your spouse couldn’t and didn’t make you happy (nor could/did you make your spouse happy). It is an impossibility.  But it is one of the major lies people believ

Equal partnership.  That is what a marriage is about, when it is healthy.  Right? Right?? Nope.  Just another marriage lie. Oh, not on purpose!  Nope, these marriage lies are not intentional.  Just not true.  Unfortunately, as people repeat them, they believe them.  And those beliefs have consequence.  They can eat away at the foundations of a marriage, simply because the lie is believed.  So, actions are taken on a false belief. For example, with this lie… if you believe that marriage is 50/50, an equal partnership… and you decide your spouse is not putting in their 50, then you have reason for upset.  Reason for demands.  Reason for feeling taken advantage of. Here is the TL;DR:  marriage is NOT 50/50.  It is all in/all in. But to understand more about why marriage is not 50/50… and to discover what it really is… and how that changes things, listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES: Lie #1:  If you struggle, it’s wrong Lie #2:  Your spouse should meet all your needs Lie #3:  Conflict is a sign

If you find yourself arguing and in conflict, that is an indication that something is wrong with your marriage, right? Right? No.  Not at all.  But it may be that your conflict resolution is a problem.  Just one that can be improved.  Unless, of course, you believe this lie and decide that nothing can be done because… you know… conflict. That is the danger of this particular lie.  It causes people to give up, since there is conflict, rather than working through. I don’t meet too many people that like conflict.  Most either avoid it or handle it poorly.  And many see conflict as a symptom that something is wrong with the relationship. Fact is, conflict is an inevitable part of even the healthiest relationship.  In fact, the total lack of conflict may indicate just as much of a problem as too much conflict.  Put two people together who join their futures and there are going to be differences of opinion.  Different perspectives and different priorities.  And those differences must be addressed. The questio

A spouse should complete you… right? Your emotional needs, companion needs, physical needs… if your spouse is meeting them, then that is the right spouse… right? And therefore, if your spouse isn’t meeting your needs… wrong person… right? Wrong. In the last episode of the podcast, I tackled the first lie of marriage, “If it’s work, it’s wrong.”  In this episode, we tackle another lie, the “Meet My Needs” lie that measures whether your marriage and your spouse are right, based on them meeting your needs (never mind meeting the needs of your spouse). First, please don’t go all “Then the opposite is true??” on me.  No, I am not saying your spouse should not mean ANY of your needs. I AM saying your spouse can’t meet ALL of your needs. Did you say, “Of course not”?  And yet, many marriages get into trouble over the needs one accuses the other of NOT meeting.  If THAT needs is not getting met, THEN there is a problem.  But if you extrapolate a bit, that ends up being an argument that a spouse should meet ALL

“I give up,” he said, throwing up his arms.  He was ready to leave the session.  But before he walked out, I asked, “Can you tell me what just happened? Why are you giving up?" He told me, “Look, we have struggled during this marriage.  Not just now.  Other times.  I just believe that if you are struggling in a marriage… if things aren’t just moving forward… it isn’t meant to be.  It’s wrong.”  And he turned to leave. I responded, “Well, that’s a big fat lie you are believing!" He stopped, looked back at me, and said, “You have 10 minutes to prove me wrong." This wasn’t the only time I have encountered this lie.  And let me be fair:  he wasn’t meaning to lie to me.  But he was.  In reality, though, he was repeating a lie he believed.  There is nothing so dangerous as a lie that we believe, but is entirely false! My client was ready to leave his marriage because he believed the lie. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I start a series on the Lies of Marriage.  These lies are things people b