Save The Marriage Podcast | How To Save Your Marriage | How To Stop Your Divorce

Your plan to save your marriage has hit a wall. Maybe things were moving forward, or maybe they have been stalled from the beginning.  But your plan?  It hit the wall. First, let me assure you that this is not unusual.  In fact, it is typical.  Most plans hit a wall before success. Second, let me assure you that this does not mean you have failed, that your marriage has failed. But let me warn you, when people hit the wall, many give up and walk away.  Many throw away their plan, their hopes, and their dreams.  Unnecessarily. So let me say it again:  just because your plan has hit a wall does not mean your marriage can’t be saved.  It means your plan hit a wall.  Time to adjust and shift.  Time to process.  Time to find clarity. But it doesn’t have to be time to quit. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover what it means when you hit the wall, why it happens, and how to get restarted — and not giving up!  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Book:  Marriage Fail Point - Why Marriages Fail

No, a toddler didn’t take to pounding on my keyboard.  And no, my new puppy didn’t paw my keyboard… well, at least on for the title. Yep, I meant it: DWYADAYGWYAG. But to back up, have you ever noticed how we get stuck in repeating patterns?  Many simply serve to keep us stuck in life.  Not moving ahead.  Stuck. But alive! And that is what the brain registers.  Sure, maybe what happened yesterday was not exciting.  Maybe what you and I did yesterday, to make it through the day, was not exciting.  But we survived. Lesson learned.  What we did yesterday kept us alive.  Plan for today:  do it some more. Same in relationships. Staying alive is not the same as thriving… and is actually not a guarantee of future success.  But it worked yesterday, so our brain assumes it will work for today. DWYADAYGWYAG I’ll tell you more about what that means, and how to get beyond it, in this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES What’s Responsibility Got To Do With It? Hop

A podcast listener (accurately) noted that I don’t talk too much about love.  The listener wanted to just get back to the love they had shared at one time, and wanted to know how to fall back in love. I responded with, “What do you mean by ‘love’?”  The response started with “I don’t know,” and continued with “but how do we fall back in love?" And there is the root of the problem.  We have been struggling to define and describe what love even is for centuries, if not millennia.  And we are still trying. More than that, the loving feeling is not what you really are trying to return to.  It is certainly a side-effect, but not what you want to try for. And more than that, love is not even a clear indicator of marital success — maybe because it is so hard to define and describe. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I talk the question, “What About Love?”  Where does it fit into your efforts to save your marriage?  Where does it fit into any marriage? Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES Love as

“I’ll try,” my client said in response to multiple suggestions about actions to take.  But each week, the “try” never happened.  Just a couple of days ago, I got the same response to another suggestion. Before that, I had a client who had been “trying” to write the Apology Letter… but not a single word had made it to the page. There is no such action as “try.”  You can do something or not do something.  But as Yoda reminds us, “there is no try." Each morning, I get up early and work on a book or writing project for an hour.  I am pretty clear that I am either writing or I am not.  If I am putting words on paper, regardless of whether they are good or not… I am writing.  If I distract myself with social media or some article… I am not writing. It is not a matter of trying.  I am doing or not. Many times, “trying” is a cop-out.  It is a lack of action, claimed to be “about to act.”  But we can do something… and if we aren’t, we are not doing it.  Doing it successfully is only determined by the outcome.  An

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution. So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Don’t Convince Working on Connection Book:  Beyond The 3 Barriers Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Save The Marriage System

Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on?  And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!) You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing.  And you are even worse off than before! Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it.  So, you start gathering your information.  That is the starting point, right?  And as they say, “Knowledge is power.”  Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth.  False information. Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship. I need to let you in on a little secret:  just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you!  We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area. But t

“It’s your choice,” I reassured her.  It was a call I picked up between sessions.  The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up.  She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting.  She wanted to know what I thought…. I didn’t need to convince her either way.  It really was her choice.  Should she walk away or should she keep working on it?  Only she could answer. My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision.  She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.) To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner.  Is it worth it? That was her choice.  The Choice.  To work on it or to walk away. Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… summer is over, school is starting back (whether virtual or in-person), the pa

Many a marriage crisis emerges when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy.”  It is really a statement about discontent with the relationship. But many respond by assuming they now know what they need to do:  make their spouse happy. Which sets in motion an impossible task:  making another human happy. Why won’t it work?  Why can’t you make your spouse happy? Because a) it isn’t your responsibility, and b) it isn’t in your control. In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode, I dive in on why your efforts to make your spouse happy will fail.  We discuss what you can control and what you can’t.  And I give you four places to shift your focus, so that you can make progress in your efforts. Listen below to learn why you can’t make your spouse happy… and what to do, instead. RELATED RESOURCES Why Marriages Get into Trouble 3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage What Happy Couples Know Series The Difference Between Happy and Hurting The Save The Marriage System

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis. When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before. And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.

“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started.  The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though.  The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems.  I didn’t know what she was facing. When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out.  There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged.  I just kept trying to turn and twist the cube to find a solution.  My neighbor friend got the book.  My neighbor followed the guide.  And that cube was, sure enough, solved.  Mixed up cube, follow the solution, solved cube.  Easy-peesy. Let’s just say that your marriage is NOT like that rubik’s cube.  There are some reasons why your efforts might be harder (or easier) than someone else’s.  In fact, there are 3 major complicators to saving your marriage. Before jumping in to save your marriage, you want to be clear about the complicators — the obstacles — on your path.  They make a difference in what you do, how you do it, an

"What’s love got to do with it??" "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what that means to me!”  Tina Turner calls for love, and Aretha Franklin calls out for respect.  But what is the connection between love and respect? Emerson Eggerichs is the author of the book, Love and Respect.  As you can tell from the title, Emerson is addressing just that issue. In his work with couples, Eggerichs kept noticing the cries for respect by men and the cries for love by women.  He realized that while we all need love and respect, men tend to need respect more than love, and women need love more than respect (generally speaking). Here is the problem:  men show respect, which can feel unloving; and women show love, which can feel disrespectful.  In the end, couples feel unloved and disrespected, creating what Emerson refers to as the Crazy Cycle.  And in the process, the marriage keeps spiraling. The good news is that the cycle can be changed.  Love and respect can be restored.  And intimacy can return.  But only when you understand

Your ancestors, way, way back, survived because they were more fearful than their peers.  Because of their fear, they survived, while the less fearful fell to threats.  Over time, this means that we naturally inherited overly-developed fear responses. It doesn’t take much to trigger fear and anxiety. Your heart races, your breathing quickens, your voice tightens, and your muscles flex, waiting for the fight or the flight.  Waiting to take on the threat or get away from the threat. That’s an important skill on the savannah or in the jungle.  It even has some applicability for cities and in the woods.  But it is less helpful in your workplace.  And even less helpful in your love relationships. We can quickly go from zero to 100, even when there really is no threat… just a trigger to your threat response. How can you understand this?  How would a deeper understanding of this fight/flight response help? First, you can recognize when the threat response is triggered.  Second, there are ways to more quickly de

Why did you fall in love with your spouse?  Why do people fall in love with the person they fall in love? And perhaps even more importantly for our time together, why do those same relationships cause such pain? How can love turn painful and hurtful? Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt have been on the forefront of helping hurting marriages for decades.  In 1988, their seminal book, Getting The Love You Want, came out to great acclaim.  It was an international best-seller. In that book (now revised), Harville and Helen reveal their Imago Theory of why we fall in love, and why it can either be hurtful or healing.  They also provide exercises for couples to explore their own Imago relating, to help with healing and health. Some time ago, Harville and Helen gave me some of their time to share their thoughts and direction on how to create a loving relationship.  This interview was originally part of a special program.  But I decided to share it with you, because of the powerful information they shared. Listen be

I just googled, “how to save your marriage.”  There were 607,000,000.  Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them?  How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing? It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good.  And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information.  What are their qualifications?  How do they even approach it? I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed.  And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff.  I remember when Google started.  That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results.  Still a lot. But far more manageable. With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm.  Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start.  Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything i

Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation.  They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done. Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing. Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can.  But their spouse…. It is quite a game.  Not one that either person is enjoying.  Yet both are playing. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it.  Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to.  That game ends with 3 losers:  You, your spouse, and your marriage. RELATED RESOURCES NMF Syndrome How NOT to Save Your Marriage Being on the Same Team Save The Marriage System

Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it? I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it. But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married? I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone?  This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once a spouse has checked out.  This is not accurate.  And it means that many people who could save their marriage and rebuild, don’t.  They walk away in defeat. So, what CAN you do?  First, I tackle what you CAN’T do.  Then, we turn our attention to what CAN be done, even if it is only you interested (right now). Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Read my Medium article on The Pause Button Marriage Find my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Find my Save The Marriage System Learn more about Connection Learn

Another listener question is the topic of this week’s episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  The question focuses on an affair… and leaving it.  What do you do about the strong attraction that can develop with the affair partner? What if your brain is telling you the feelings are real… and if they are there, maybe it was meant to be?  What if you keep wondering if the affair partner is your “soulmate,” and you messed up with marrying your spouse? Or what if these are the questions of your spouse?  That your spouse is trying to break free, but keeps falling back into the thoughts (and arms) of the affair partner? How do you break free? Can you break free? You can.  And your marriage can be filled with the connection you were missing. How? Listen in to this week’s episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Recovering From The Affair Book Affair Recovery Resources The Importance of Connection Save The Marriage System

Marriages start at the same place:  two people in love, ready to face the world together.  And most believe they have already beaten the odds.  Their love is “the real thing,” enduring and lasting.  It won’t fall apart like those other marriages.  They have already won. Except they haven’t. Some marriages keep on moving forward, resolute and solid, loving and supportive.  But many hit an inflection point. They go from happy to hurting. And many times, they can’t find their way back… mostly because they don’t know what the difference was; what made the difference between happy and hurting. Interestingly, most people name differences that don’t make a difference between happy and hurting.  What they assume makes a difference, doesn’t. Instead, there are 4 differences that do matter.  And here is what is important:  they can be changed.  Once you understand the 4 differences between a hurting and happy marriage, you can shift toward happy.  They are learnable skills, once identified. Listen below for the 4

My car is in for service.  Usually, that means I am in their lounge, trying my best to work with daytime TV blaring in the background.  But due to COVID, I decided to leave it there and head for home.  Now, I am just waiting for the call to pick it up. It’s just regular maintenance today (fingers crossed).  But there were other cars there for repairs. Which had me thinking…. What does service mean for a relationship?  How about repair for a marriage? The more I thought about it, the more the metaphor fit.  If I do regular maintenance on my car, it by no means guarantees that it won’t break down.  But it does increase the chances of avoiding a roadside breakdown. Let’s be fair:  even the best-maintained vehicles can still break down, still need a repair.  But let’s also be clear that if you have maintained your relationship, it is far less likely to need a repair, and far less likely that it will be costly (I can attest to this after the demise of my first car). Well-maintained marriages are far less lik

The #1 reason people sought me out for couples counseling:  “We are just not connected.”  The #1 reason why marriages end up failing:  “We are just too disconnected." What happened?  That connection you had at the beginning of your marriage… where did it go? I can tell you the biggest reason why couples become disconnected:  life gets in the way.  Or more correctly, couples let life get in the way.  They hit the “pause button” on the relationship.  Because of kids, the career, schooling, hobbies, friends… lots of reasons. They just didn’t know there is no such thing as a pause button.  Either your relationship is growing or receding.  There is no pause. Still, they hit pause… and their marriage begins to disconnect.  Then, reconnecting seems so hard.  It is pushing against the inertia created.  It starts feeling like one more “have to” that is shuffled off to the back, last in line.  The marriage stays “paused,” and the relationship continues to decline. How DO you deepen your connection? That is the top