Save The Marriage Podcast | How To Save Your Marriage | How To Stop Your Divorce

Your marriage is in trouble.  You know you want to save your relationship, but you aren’t sure how. Step #1 is surviving. Confession:  I have an abiding interest in survival.  I’m the guy who reads all the scuba accident reports, the shark attack reports, and the mountaineering accident reports. Why do those who survive make it through?  What makes a difference for them? They followed, on purpose or by accident, “rules” of surviving.  Those rules can help you, too. Your first task is to survive.  That gives you time to take more action.  Those actions are designed to rescue your relationship.  In fact, that is one rule I cover… being the rescuer.  Check it out in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Simplify It (series) Anti-Fragile Marriage Surviving Specific Situations (series) Save The Marriage System  

At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis.  Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things. And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things. Where we focus is what gets our attention.  Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment. That can head you right toward disaster and further discord.  And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage. "Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction." Kenichi Ohmae There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst.  And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention. Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters 3 Levels of Connection Dealing with Infidelity Save The Marriage System

“Why is marriage so hard?” That is a question I often hear from struggling couples. What happened?  All of that love, all the connection, seems to disappear, to be replaced with struggle and strife. At the start, it seemed so easy.  You wanted to be together, to spend your life together.  Then… something shifted.  Things got tough. Does that mean that the marriage was wrong, that you married the wrong person? Or is there something else going on? There are several challenges that arise in any marriage.  They are challenges, not insurmountable obstacles.  They prove that “being in love” is not enough to get you through life. You CAN make it through the struggle.  And no, the struggle does NOT mean the marriage is headed for failure or broken.  There IS a place for renewal and connection. Listen below for more on how to get past the struggle. RELATED RESOURCES Connection is the Lifeblood Conflict in Marriage Can You Save Your Marriage? Save The Marriage System

Your spouse thinks it’s hopeless.  You may even be wondering that, too.  But is it?  Is it hopeless? Or is the problem that your spouse is hopeless — not the situation? Let’s be honest:  if you give up hope, it may become a hopeless situation. Sometimes, having hope is not based on seeing the way.  We find the way because we hold onto hope. In my latest book, Beyond the 3 Barriers, I note that one barrier for your spouse is hopelessness.  I also note that one way to move beyond your spouse’s barriers is by having hope.  Holding onto hope.  Maintaining hope while waiting for space to make a shift. Hope has 3 core components… all within your control and choice.  But you do need to know the components in order to choose.  When you do, you choose hope. Remember that hope is not about waiting for a spouse to hope… or even to shift.  It comes from within you, a choice you make.  Hang on to hope! Listen to the podcast episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Beyond The 3 Barriers Book Hope vs. Hopelessness Episode S

“Our marriage is broken,” she told me.  “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.” Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else? Most relationships are sparked by infatuation.  Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage.  It is, though, not the goal. For most, that part of a relationship is a stage.  It naturally cools over time.  This is just the nature of an attraction.  It tempers over time.  Which means that we can get back to the rest of life — the parts of life that get disregarded in the heat of passion. Does that mean you must just let romance and passion fall by the wayside?  Not at all.  You just can’t count on it as the focus. Unfortunately, people often judge a marriage dead because the passion is missing. Also unfortunately, they haven’t nurtured the passion and romance.  The fact that it disappeared is more a reflecti

If a marriage crisis was not enough to deal with… now we have a pandemic.  And if that was not enough, we are self-isolating.  The pandemic isn’t anything we can control.  Self-isolating is best for ourselves and others. What, though, does that mean about your marriage crisis?  How do you deal with that?  In the midst of the pandemic?  And while self-isolating. That breaks down into 4 different groups:  Isolating together but working alone, isolating together and working together, isolating apart and working alone, and isolating apart but working together.  Each has some nuances that need your attention. I cover some recommendations for each group, and explain why it makes a difference. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES: Coping with COVID series Understanding Space Levels of Intimacy Save The Marriage System

“I’m just out of energy,” she told me, “I don’t think I can even try to save my marriage.  Besides, what is the point?" Let’s face it:  right now, many people are feeling exhausted and drained.  And working to save a marriage can be tiring when the world is rightside-up.  Much less when everything feels upside down! Many people feel pulled in so many questions… but when something is important… as important as marriage… why does it get shifted down?  Relegated to the “left over energy,” if there is any? There are some underlying reasons why it may feel like there is no more energy… and it isn’t really about not having energy. More importantly, there are some things you can do to do an “energy reset.”  Make a shift… then save your marriage. I cover the underlying issues and the way to solve them in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Self-Care Series Dealing with Fear Having a Plan Simplify your Efforts Save The Marriage System

I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.”  Funny thing is, they communicate just fine. Then why are they stuck in conflict?  Why are they disconnected?  Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team? Perceptions.  About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict. And because they have decided to prove their perception to their spouse.  That is very dangerous.  Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging. There are 2 underlying issues that affect this:  being a WE and being connected.  How strong is your sense of WE, and how connected are you?  When you don’t feel like you are on the same team and/or are feeling disconnected, it is far harder to communicate about the differences in perception.  More than that, you are unlikely to prove your connection to your spouse… especially when disconnected, but almost always. How do you solve it? We discuss what to do in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCE

Unless you are hiding out in a cave somewhere (I read about a person who had been on a silent retreat — went in with everything normal and came out to the pandemic), your world has been topsy-turvy. We will get through this.  The pandemic will pass.  But this isn’t about, “and then, we will get back to life.”  Life is happening right now.  And we won’t be going “back to normal,” either.  There are some fundamental changes happening in culture.  We didn’t just hit “pause” when people went into isolation.  And we won’t simply “un-pause” when it is safe to un-isolate. Society is in for a shift.  How it shifts, that depends upon us, the members of society.  There is, I believe, great potential for a shift to what really matters.  Not what we have been believing matters.  It won’t be about money, power, or prestige.  It will be about meaning, purpose, connection, and character.  (At least, that is my hope.) Why does that matter?  How does that affect your marriage?  I believe there is an opportunity, in the mid

Are you suddenly finding yourself and your spouse stuck together, thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic?  Is it suddenly very close quarters? If your marriage wasn’t struggling before, this may be the stressor that pushes your relationship into crisis. Or it might just be the turning point to a thriving marriage. What can you do during this time, for yourself and your marriage?  On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore 3 areas on which you can focus.  And in each area, I give 2 suggestions for what you can do to survive the crisis, weather the storm, and help both your marriage and yourself. Listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Conflict in Marriage Space in Marriage 3 Layers to Connection Save The Marriage System  

The phrase, “Stay the Course,” comes from the commitment in battle to continue moving toward your goal, regardless of obstacles or difficulties.  So first, let’s let go of the battle analogy.  You aren’t in battle.  But you are fighting for your marriage. And in this moment, you are fighting to keep yourself and your family safe. Those are the goals.  And that is the problem.  A single crisis is tough enough.  But a crisis, squared.  It isn’t just double.  The struggle is exponential.  That’s because a crisis on top of a crisis is not cumulative.  It can feel like it multiplies the struggle. So, then, how do you stay the course? I cover these 4 ways in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast: Have a plan. Practice extra patience and grace. Refuse to absorb anxiety. Do the Next Right Thing. Listen below for the details on each. RELATED RESOURCES Why You Need A Plan Emotions and Your Marriage Dealing with Fear Save The Marriage System

First, you were caught in the swirling whirlwind of a marriage crisis.  Now, to add to that, a pandemic is taking over.  Whatever fears you had about your marriage are now layered with your concerns about your health (and the health of loved ones). It is amazing how quickly things are moving.  This crisis has been on the radar since the first of the year.  But as with many things (including a marriage struggle), most people don’t pay much attention until it is cascading into a crisis.  Then, we are playing “catch up.” Trying desperately to get ahead of the situation.  But generally finding ourselves falling further and further behind. A crisis tests us. Both a marriage crisis and a world crisis.  They test us.  To see whether we rise up or give up.  Whether we go with what matters or what is easy.  Do we act in fear or lead with courage? We talk about this in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Being a WE Importance of Connection Dealing with Fear in Marriage D

I get that question very frequently:  “What happened?  Where did the love go?" Maybe you feel it, maybe you hear it.  The end result is the same:  one or both people  just not feeling it… not feeling love.  Maybe “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or maybe, “I care about you, but I don’t love you.”  Or maybe more simply, “I don’t love you.” Then what? And where did the love go?  It was there before.  Did it really go away? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the causes of love gone missing.  We look at where the love went, and talk about how to bring it back. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Connection and Marriage Conflict and Marriage Pause Button Marriage Interview with Gary Chapman Self-Expansion and Marriage Save The Marriage System

Over the last couple of episodes, I have been looking at what wrecks marriage.  First, I discussed Expectations.  Then, I discussed Disconnection. In this episode, we look at another “Marriage Wrecker”:  Conflict. Yes, I know, plenty of people will tell you that conflict is inevitable in marriage.  And it is certainly true that every marriage… any relationship that is as intimate as marriage… is going to include disagreements and differences-of-opinions. That is not the question.  The question is, how do you deal with the disagreements?  How do you do conflict?  If you aren’t careful, conflict can wreck your marriage. Why?  Because it often becomes adversarial — going for the win, not for the relationship. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we look at how conflict can wreck your marriage… or how you can keep it from happening. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Marriage Wrecker:  Expectations Marriage Wrecker:  Disconnection The Role of Conflict Fighting FOR Your Marriage Conflict To Intima

Your marriage is hurting.  Why?  What happened?  What wrecked your marriage? In the last podcast episode, I discussed how expectations can wreck a marriage. But unfortunately, there are some other issues and concerns that can wreck your marriage.  This week’s Marriage Wrecker is right at the top of the list. In fact, it is a recurring theme in my work with couples.  After discussing it in several coaching sessions in the last few days, I thought it was a good topic for an episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. What is connection?  What is DISconnection… and why does it happen?  We start there.  We discuss how connection is the life-blood of your relationship… and what happens when it gets squeezed off… often for what seem like good reasons! The result, though, is the same, even when disconnection is unintentional. (And it almost always is.) I also cover what to do when you realize the cycle and are ready to break it (what to know and how to approach it, so you don’t get thrown off). Listen to this i

“What can I expect from my spouse?”  That was the lead question.  Because over and over, her expectations had not been met. “Expectations,” I told her, “can wreck your marriage." “Which expectations?”, she asked. I noted, “Any." But shouldn’t you have expectations?  Shouldn’t you be able to expect things from your spouse? Let me ask you question:  How’s that going so far? Some expectations are explicit.  Others are implicit.  Some are internal.  Others are external. And generally, expectations fail. That same person said, “So I should just expect my spouse to do nothing, is that right?”  I noted that she just changed to another expectation.  But still, it was an expectation.  And expectations cause problems.  Negative or positive.  They still cause problems. The solution?  Actually, there are two parts.  Listen in as we take apart your expectations… and shift to something more helpful. RELATED RESOURCES Perception’s The Problem Ways Your Marriage is Slipping Away Importance of Connection Back to Bas

She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her.  He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues.  She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him.  How can he feel unsafe?" Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing.  There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe.  Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat.  A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat. We don’t risk connecting when we feel threatened.  Connecting requires vulnerability.  And vulnerability requires a sense of safety. Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat.  So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety?  Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship? Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save

Miranda asked me, “What do I do?  My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too." A couple of weeks ago, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond.  One of those barriers is hopelessness. But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope? There is an equation of hope:  hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there. If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless.  Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action. There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope.  So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward. Listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Save The Marriage System VIP Virtual Coaching Coaching Se

What do you do when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy,” as the reason the marriage has to end?  Or how about, “You’re not happy,” or “I can’t make you happy”? I have heard this reason given over and over.  It is a common (but false) belief that a marriage needs to end because spouses can’t make each other happy. The fact is, you cannot make your spouse happy.  And your spouse can’t make you happy.  But that isn’t even the goal! (Just to be fair, it is possible to make someone miserable!  But make them happy?  Nope.  Not possible.  Ever.) What does it mean when a spouse wants to end a marriage due to “not being happy”?  And what do you do?  How do you respond? That is the topic of our conversation on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Dealing With YOUR Resentment Dealing With YOUR SPOUSE’S Resentment Showing Up Courageous Compassion 3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage System To Save Your Marriage

Too many times — in my office, by email, on phone calls — I hear a spouse rationalizing their decision that the marriage cannot possibly succeed because, “We’re just opposites, too different to make it.” But is it true?  Are you “opposites”?  (How are humans ever actually “opposite”?)  And for the sake of argument, does that doom your relationship? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer a listener question that you may have, too.  This listener’s spouse has declared, “We are opposites,” and has given up on even trying to save their marriage.  This listener is wondering, “Is that true?  Are we opposites? Does that doom our marriage?" Since this question comes up so often, I wanted to discuss the reality of this.  I cover my issues with “opposites,” discuss my theory of “Complimentarity,” and trample all over the belief in “compatibility,” an idea that has been espoused by dating sites and apps — and yet has failed in creating strong relationships. Listen below for my response to “We’re