Martini Shot

Among the many, many smart things F. Scott Fitzgerald said, surely the least smart is, "There are no second acts in American lives..."

Every writer – well, every comedy writer – has made this mistake. You're at work, and you're laughing with your colleagues, about something – usually what we call a "room run" – a joke that originates entirely in the writers' room, one that's usually so objectionable, so foul, so indefensibly cruel and wrong and ugly, that the entire room is paralyzed by laughter...

Once, a famous writer gave a talk to a lot of aspiring writers.  This kind of thing happens all the time – and not just at colleges and universities, but at weekend scriptwriting workshop seminars and writers' conferences, that sort of thing.  I've done a few myself...

I know someone who works in advertising, and on his first week on the job, years ago, a more seasoned copywriter took him aside to give him advice. They were both on their way to the creative director's office, to pitch him some ideas for a new campaign...

The people who run KCRW only give me four minutes to make these little jewel boxes of commentary –- something about wanting to broadcast the news or I don't know what –- so it's hard to fit everything in sometimes.  Most of the time it's easy, of course, because everything I say pretty much boils down to: writin's hard...

A few years ago, a friend of mine tried to fire his agent. It didn't go well. After a long, wearying phone call, in which the agent tried everything in his bag of tricks – you owe me! This is wrong!  I screwed up, I know! Gimme one more chance! This is a bad career move! -- all of them, my friend finally agreed to the thing he had been dreading – the thing that every single one of his writer friends told him, under no circumstances, to agree to...

I have an actor friend who, early in his career, attended a very popular, respected acting class. On the first day, the teacher arrived, told the class to stand up and said, "Now, each of you wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a big, hurting hug. And repeat, wonderful, wonderful me!"

Sometimes, certain things seem strange or stupid just because we haven't seen them enough. You know what I mean? They'll come out with a new car design, and it'll look strange and stupid and then you see them all over the place and soon they look normal. And a little while later you're thinking, "Hey, I like the look of that car..."

Years ago, when I was based on the Paramount Studios lot, we used to order take out  lunch maybe twice a week from the old City Restaurant on La Brea.  It's not there anymore, but I can still remember every item on the lunch menu...

A few years ago, I was working on a show and we had, as a guest actor, an older guy. This guy was a comedy legend, of sorts -- he had been a writer and performer since the 1950’s, had spent some time on Broadway, in movies, on television in the early days. He even did some famous commercials. And he was funny...

You know that moment, in slasher movies, when the promiscuous teens who have been racing around the old barn, trying desperately to avoid the psycho killer, finally get him, somehow...?

Here's how I knew that the writers strike was over, really over. It wasn't the voting, or Nikki Finke's site, or anything like that. It was the email. From the studio...

People, I think you'll agree, can be awfully mean...

If you have a kid, or know a kid, somewhere between the ages of 12 and 17, you know that when they don’t know the answer to a question, they don’t say "I don’t know." They say, "Iunno..."

True story: A writer in his late 50's, who hadn't worked in a long, long time, but who at one point was well-paid and in-demand, found himself facing what we'll call Typical Hollywood Career Ending Number 3: private school and college tuitions paid, barely; 401k plan ransacked; home equity tapped; savings dwindling; cars, one; supermarket, Ralph's; area code 661...

I was once stuck in a writers room with a really lazy writer.  And no, that's no redundant.  And no, it wasn't me.  I mean, yes, I am a lazy writer, but no, I'm not that lazy writer...

I was talking to a writer yesterday about the need for writers like us to be more risk-taking, more entrepreneurial. He was pretty enthusiastic: "You're totally right! We should just all say 'to hell with the studios' and go to Google or Yahoo or wherever and do stuff for them!"

I went to a party the other day and I didn't talk about the writers' strike...

I'm going to get in trouble for this. But, anyway. Let's be honest. If you're a writer, or a writer/producer, or any of the constellation of hyphenates that means that along with what you do that really brings in the dough, you also are a member of the Writers Guild, you've been on a movie or TV set before...