Martini Shot

Today's celebrities try to sell you wine and cigarettes and hair products and low calorie beer. Also Studebakers and toxic breath freshener. In other words, it's hard to be a celebrity pitchperson

Rob comes up with a better and more movie-star name for Benedict Cumberbatch. Archie Leach became Cary Grant; Frances Gumm became Judy Garland, and Benedict Cumberbatch should become Batch Benjamin. Otherwise he'll never make it big.

Rob makes a glancing but significant reference to the election results, but promises not to talk politics. Instead, he talks politics-adjacent.

This holiday season, Rob's declaring multi-device bankruptcy.

Rob makes fun of a friend of because he's relentlessly focused and totally impossible to distract, then realizes that he's actually very successful and happy because of these very traits, which is often the way it is with people we make fun of.

Pretty much every entertainment device since the magic lantern, since cave people sitting around a campfire, got hot, was dangerous, and could explode. The Samsung Galaxy 7 fits in a long tradition.

What would it be like to have your own magical and always-full ATM?  Sort of the way Time Warner must feel, as it approaches being bought by AT&T -- a new and endless source of money to spend.

Silence, as we all know, is the most effective and cutting way to raise your voice....

This is Rob Long and on today’s Martini Shot I spend most of my time talking about the second most talked-about thing in the entertainment industry, which is, where on the lot do you park? The most talked-about thing is, of course, when did you buy your house, and what did you pay for it.

Rob laughs at a couple of very famous people's physical misfortunes, and then feels bad about it because he's told they're real people, which is something he often forgest, because he's not totally convinced it's true.

The secret of appearing like an insider: whenever anyone delivers surprising or unexpected news, just sigh and say, "Oh, is that out?"

Rob takes all of those clichés about Millennials and flips them upside down, because A) that's a more accurate picture and B) he doesn't want to anger the young people

Rob tries to pace eating his lunch with a friend who is eating his lunch, but then he eats his cookie and Rob gets ice cream. And, yes, there is a metaphor about life in there somewhere.

Rob tells you the exact number of your friends who don't like you as much as you like them. He doesn't tell you who they are. You just have to figure that out for yourself.

Rob break his rule and talks politics, just for a moment, and just the only way he can: by talking about show business first.

Rob tries to step around the nasty arguments on Facebook without stepping in any of them, and still ends up having to scrape some of them off his shoe.

Rob tries to talk about Comic Con the way it should be talked about -- as a giant promotional event that's all business and no play.

Rob shakes his fist at progress like an old, deranged man -- in other words he talks about Pokemon Go, and Hollywood, and how one is going to eat the other.

Rob takes a simple, successful movie franchise and extends its financial value by rebooting it, then reversing it -- which means he never has to come up with another original movie idea again.

Rob dresses up as a famous movie character and beats the stuffing out of someone dressed up as another famous movie character, and they keep doing it until they get sued.