Rum Doings

Episode 55 of Rum Doings sees a sleepy John and Nick not discussing something something something. But instead chatting about the weather. In an episode recorded before John died of the flu, we take leave of our senses and embrace Winter by drinking neat Pimms. We then consider Christmas meals, the reality of Father Christmas, and how to spend the season. And other Christmassy matters. With excellent impressions of the Queen. We ponder turkey, writing with pens, and the transmogrifying nature of Quality Street. We then proceed for forget the names of everyone ever. And discuss the theological implications of God's not having a beard.

This week, in a 54th episode of Rum Doings, we don't discuss: Is it finally time to say a fond farewell to the sell-by date? But we do start arguing about coats and umbrellas. We consume prana, and biscuits. And then we are inspired to chat by the waiting questions on John's Formspring. And that's all the information you get, as since recording John's got flu and his hands and everythings hurt.

In episode 53 of Rum Doings we don't discuss whether it's time to give up on the panda. We begin with an attempt to understand our favourite worst drink, Stroh. Then Nick gets concerned about how very, very old he is, and John is finally recognised Mozart. We discuss John's meeting Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam, whether Derren Brown has got his name wrong, and how John is the cause of all of Rum Doings' naughtiness. There's talk of Enid Blyton, today's vote about student tuition fees and my battling with Bath MP Don Foster, Lib Dem bingo, and bad documentaries about Calvin & Hobbes. Then via the topic of WikiLeaks, we end up with what will likely be understood to be a particularly controversial conversation about rape. Just so you know.

Nick's going to kill me. In Rum Doings Episode 52, where we don't discuss why oh why the Russians have stolen our football, Nick and John weren't able to meet up. Due to interventions by the weather, illness, and her royal majesty the Queen, this week's episode was record in two separate locations, on our own. Because Skype is awful, and everyone should stop suggesting it. So we begin with Nick's monologue, in which he discusses colds, Kickstarter, and ideas for revolutionising the distribution of classical music. He postulates on how billionaires should be spending their money for the better good, and what is a word? You can read the essay he mentions here. Then it's John's turn. He discusses Rum Doings fans, Batman, science, outlandish racism, and the coexistence of dinosaurs and man. Learn how dinosaurs were vegetarians, who loves Nick, and which famous people were lucky enough to meet John yesterday. (And sorry to my friends who listen, whom I have remembered since.) Let's see how cross Nick gets.

Rum Doings Episode 51 (episode 50 is in the same place as episode 40) begins with the subject that we're not discussing: what has happened to the good old fashioned British bread bin? But instead John goes through Nick's DVDs. Which he brought into the studio for some reason. We reminisce about John's radio days, getting caught for lying, Nickl starts lying, and musicals. The film John couldn't remember the name of was Guy And Madeline On A Park Bench. We discuss mega-churches, the modern pop music of the young people of today, and Cloud Cult. Then Michael Buerk, and David Starkey.

Very welcome are you to Episode 49 of Rum Doings, during which we absolutely don't discuss whether it's time that PC local councils stopped trying to ban Christmas. Instead we discuss which bits are best in Private Eye, the cream tea emergency that is the Easy-Boy Armchair, and what shops will be gone in ten years time. Then we lament books. And Star Wars. And SCUBA diving! Nick invents Abuse Therapy, and John is fat. And of course gay videogame characters. Re Nick's suggestion, here are the links to Bastard Of The Old Republic, parts one, two, and three.

For episode 48 of Rum Doings we don't discuss whether it's time to ban fireworks to protect our children. But we do attempt to guess what the internet and technology will look like in 2020. And look at the sad state of John's Kingdom of America. Then the best thing ever: 10,000 Dreams And Their Traditional Meanings. (Which turns out to be by Gustavus Hindman Miller.) John learns some Latin, we talk about the fight for the rainbow, and what it's like to watch a podcast being recorded. Nick then announces that Rock, Paper, Shotgun is not a blog. And then we discuss the lack of corruption in the industry. Many apologies for the very strange blippy nature of the recording. We've deemed it perfectly listenable, if a tiny bit annoying. If anyone knows what might be causing it, let us know. We're using a Logitech USB mic in a Win 7 HP Mini 311C, recording on Audacity. (If it helps, there seems to be a fictional 8 seconds at the end that doesn't exist, which is presumably the total time stolen by the blips.)

In a forty-seventh episode of Rum Doings, we take our lead from your Twittered suggestions. But we don't discuss the fluoride conspiracy. We begin by reminiscing over the last two weeks of events in exquisite detail, before diving into your suggestions. Oh, and after killing a cat, live on air. What do centaurs do with their arms? Do our listeners hate Israel? A peculiarly placed review of Medal Of Honour. Nicknames. Do our listeners still hate Israel? How do we prefer to insulate our parcels? Premarital sex? Baseball! Prime numbers! What are our favourite most hated films? Hollywood musicals, and midi orchestras. That's more than enough.

Episode 46 of Rum Doings begins with confusion over Ghostbusters cartoons. It turns out that Nick was talking about this, while John was talking about this. Not being discussed this week: Staycations. But Nick does want to discuss synthesised theme tunes. After quite a long diversion into this week's vile drink, John steers the conversation toward the Insane Clown Posse. This video being key: This was inspired by a wonderful article by Jon Ronson, which you can read here. Then it's time for Nick's polemic against Poetry, which gives John an excuse to rage about how much he dislikes Poetry Please. And now here's your homework. A full critical analysis, and what it means, sent to our email address. By Tuesday morning, please. An ode to the tcp/ip protocols. A war of ice but doomsday thaws beneath A map of ink, once breached, a world unsaved; A frigid winter beckons, deadly wreath To words not launched, so bombs subsume the grave. But missiles questing on their morbid route Still need some tangled speech

Excuse the brevity in describing episode 45 of Rum Doings, but in an episode in which we don't discuss the abolishing of the pocket calculator (for children), we do discuss some subjects at length, and sometimes quite seriously. There's a lot of thoughts on the coalition government, for which you'll need this as a primer: Then Banksy and the Simpsons opening: And then the issues with Art With A Capital A.

In the fourtiforth episode of Rum Doings we don't discuss the recovery of the ozone layer. But we do discuss the share value of Stephen Fry. And the peculiarity of Hugh Laurie's history. Chatting briefly about Nurse Jackie brings us to United States Of Tara, and thus dissociative identity disorder. And Dexter. The TV show. There's comments on Formspring, Homicide: Life On The Streets, and suddenly why does John live in Britain? Is he proud or something?! We turn into the world's oldest men and complain about cinema prices, and then the horror of plastic packaging. Somehow chat about films takes us to Nick telling John off for Vince Cable. And then scientific funding. Next, we ask those big impossible questions, like... oh, they're really simple. Find out why the sky's blue. And what we'd take from our burning houses. But the main reason for listening to today's episode is to find out whether Nick can get into the plastic packaging with only his fingers and teeth.

This week on Rum Doings, episode 43, we don't discuss whether it's time to abolish the metric system. Instead we discuss John's adventures in France, and Nick's adventures in complaining about John. We talk about angry listeners, read French labels, and driving 1 litre cars with cup holders. And John makes a bold declaration: no more anecdotes. In an attempt to stop repeating anecdotes. Our French theme continues with recalling French lessons at school, then bad teachers, big vases, and exponentially expanding biscuits. There's an attempt to identify what fills Victoria Wood's bilious bag, confederate flags on British cars, and Nick teaches us Chinese. Then we handle the tragic death of Jimmy Heselden with extreme sensitivity. This takes us onto discussing those who were killed by inventions they were closely associated to. Then, as you'd expect, an exploration of the Chinese Five Pains Method.

Rum Doings Episode 42 begins with a story. A very special story which you can buy here. What we're not discussing this week is: how do we get Britain's heathen backside heaved back onto a Christian pew? In an attempt to avoid the topic, we drink some Rum & Raisin non-alcoholic sadness. Naturally we discuss blocked ears, botched nose operations, dancing, the self-consciousness of theatre, and torrenting. We ponder ad-busting, last names, and green visa-waiver forms. And telephone scams!

As you'll have noticed, by Episode 41 we're not funny any more. But it's fun to remember when we were. You may also be wondering where episode 40 is. Well, it's slipped out of time, and you'll have to live with that. Together we don't discuss whether we should bring back fox hunting, but we do drink blackcurrant and rum wine. Then Nick demands that John talk about web comics. We discuss our favourite comic to hate, User Friendly. And as mentioned, here's John's decade-old spoof: And then Nick makes John talk about Brian's Guide. And banks. And FOSDEM. There's a horrible story about the Discovery Channel, and uplifting stories about people's generosity. Then Mega Drives. And the future of consoles. And somehow Nick initiates this discussion.

Episode 39 sees us not discussing: What can we do about Hula Hoops and comic books and their effect on the moral turpitude of the youth? Back on creaky furniture, arguing over mead, things feel very traditional but for Nick's peculiar quietness. We talk about times in the witch-encrusted New Forest. Nick reveals the location of Ann Frank's remains. Nuts are put in their place. We consider accents, shrieking families, and morris dancing. We talk with pleasure about Radio 4's former quiz show All The Way From Memphis. There's thoughts on Sherlock, Nick's holidays, and John's world exclusive weight loss programme. And Bath's weather.

It's the summer, and to celebrate Nick and I are giving ourselves a break from the sickening sight of each other. So this Episode 38 is something of a "best of" I discovered while rooting around in the attic fifty years in the future. It collects together moments from episodes 1 to 10, which I'd forgotten, and you probably did too. Don't ignore it just because of that! It's really good! It's the half hour of decent bits from the first 450. In hindsight we probably should have included more decent bits. Nick sings! John doesn't! The origin of cream teas! What an unbelievable treat.

We're not really here. We're in the past. In Episode 37 of Rum Doings we're speaking to you from history. We're not discussing whether organic produce is worth the premium for hard-working families. Can you still lie in? Should God save the Queen? Then something I can't bring myself to even type. But we can all see who really has the problem, Nick. Once Nick stops upsetting John with horrible comments, he then criticises John's job. Then criticises his washing machine. Why are John and Nick still friends, despite everything? What's the secret to our parody of success? Nick needs some suggestions for stopping the nasty boys in his neighbourhood on their noisy bikes. John tries to defend GPs. We then argue for more traffic wardens, and Traffic Politeness Officers. And the taint of BMWs. Then we ponder the great debate of our time: how do you deal with a fly in your cake cabinet in Starbucks? And when should you sue a Starbucks? Pencils, handwriting, passports, we cover all the big issues.

Welcome to our web of lies. Become entwined in Episode 36's multitude of untruthful deceit. Be deceived by our woven evil. Then listen as John's house falls down. And while pictures are appearing, here's that bench: Then, pear/blueberry cider lengthily discussed, we get around to reading out some of the last million years of emails. And you kept telling us to do this, so you can't complain. Does Coke taste better out of a glass? What are the odds of sitting in the United States? Should we stop whining? Is Nick's science dodgy? Is that a microphone, or are you just pleased to be recording a podcast? Is Rupert Murdoch Australian? Is Nick safe in your dreams? Is there a more awful hairdressers name than this? We then sidetrack into discussing Richard Herring's As It Occurs To Me, at some length. Then when the name-dropping begins, Douglas Adams.

It's a back to basics, good old fashioned family values 35th episode of Rum Doings. Just Nick, John, a microphone and a disgusting bottle of rum. And this week we're not discussing whether FIFA should have to bring in the rule that they should have the cameras in the goal posts to see if the goals are scored instigated. We bring you some genuinely excellent news from Sainsbury's (which apparently might be quite old news), and then move on to talk about John's weekend break, and the joys of a British B&B. This of course involves tales of ketchup and coffee. We talk about awful people, and responses to cold callers. Nick predicts the end-times, which brings us to the stories about the BP methane bubble. And where exactly does oil come from? We finish by talking about Raoul Moat, although this was recorded before Cameron made his remarkable comments about feeling no sympathy.

Welcome to Rum Doings 34, what must be the most interrupted podcast of all the podcasts that we have podcasted. This week we're not talking about whether CCTV cameras have made our lives safer. Imbibed is a black cherry soda, which we risk drinking without protective goggles. And then within mere minutes the first phonecall arrives. And a cat. We attempt to explain BP's real crime, and then the phone rings yet again. Listen in to Nick's conversations! Be slightly bemused by what's going on! Don't call John's mum! A period of no interruptions features chat about Richard Herring, ordering wine, and ketchup. And then there's a knock at the front door. We then sniff a baby. Who becomes our very special guest, chattering away into the microphone, so quietly we couldn't hear it ourselves at first. There's some actual content when we talk about DVDs, piracy, and DRM. And why some businesses insist on telling their shareholders how badly they're doing.