Rum Doings

In our 194th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, if you can keep your head while all around you are losing theirs, are you a member of ISIS? On National Cream Tea Day we bring you news of Noah's Ark Zoo Farm - a truly barking mad creationist zoo that actually exists. We then discuss the very nature of existence, and then how people pray wrong. We recall the race for the human genome, lament the faults of the wax crayon, and Nick does his amazing impression of John.

In our 193th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, is the Queen turning up for the Magna Carter ceremony a bit as if Jimmy Savile's ghost turned up for the opening of a new ward at Stoke Mandeville Hospital. We begin discussing the Tim Hunt fiasco, which eventually leads to Nick's decision to run his own island. We dismiss all allergies, celebrate Giles Brandreth, and attempt to discover the identity of a briefcase carrier. John regales us with tales of the Saltford fete, we wonder at our ever-aging attractions, and ban nose piercings.

In our 192th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, in light of the Britain's Got Talent fiasco, should all dogs be put down? Topics this week include Seppastian Blatter's evil ways, Nick's failed attempts to guess newspapers from headlines, and a couple of thoughts on Charles Kennedy. We worry about rollycoasters, explain why Toby is so very, very interesting, and Nick realises that being a Conservative makes you a baddie. Who is the real idiot when it comes to pooing in your pants? Nick explains John's outfit of a tracksuit and semen-stained top. And we finish with a superb letter from our listener.

In our 191th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, never mind space - what about the kiddies in the hospitals? We talk about the universal changing of numerical suffixes, the matriarchy in which Nick finds himself, and Radio 4 plays. (Here's that good astronaut play.) Nick learns about the greatest thing on television, Tipping Point, we sort-of argue about "trigger warnings", then rail against the idiocy of "clickbait".

In a transatlantic episode we talk about the collapse of UKIP, the awfulness of MPspeak, and the flop of 3D. There's also, out of nowhere, a detailed look at the role of Linux in gaming and the democratisation of development via engine availability. It was Nick's fault.

In our 189th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, could it be time to label the fad of wearing a suit without a tie depraved? And so, with heavy hearts, we dissect the madness of the last night, and make our predictions for the next five years. And try to find hope within.

In our 188th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, how dare Prince William have named his baby anything other than Her Royal Diananess Diana The Princess Of Dianania? Instead this is our bumper-length pre-election special! We break down the current polls, analyse the position of each of the parties, assess their policies and laugh at their pledges, before giving our predictions as to the outcome, and instructing you how to vote. We'll be back with another episode on Friday to look at the results, and either weep or cheer accordingly.

No, don't panic, you haven't missed episode 186. Well, you have, but it's not yet released. It rather went wrong, but I think there's stuff to be rescued from it. In the meantime, we ponder if the young people still use Facebook, Nick's new nephew, and the continuing idiocy of copyright. Then we set up the ultimate competition: Siri vs. Google Now. This decided, we talk about the election, and especially the role the SNP could play. There's worry over mirrors and babies, an acknowledgement of the existence of 70s pedos, and then the usual discussion of Justin Bieber.

In our 185th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, do we really need a government? John begins with an extraordinary confession: he felt a bond with Victoria Wood. We then move on to talking about the Paxman interviews with Cameron and Milliband, because we recorded this just before the proper debates, cos Nick was going on holiday. We turn to your advice questions, in the second part of our agonising aunt section. First up, what to have for breakfast. Then why not to commit suicide. Nick explains why insects aren't real, and we give people reasons to live. (For the links to suicide support lines, scroll toward the end of this article.) And we explain who gives better hugs: men or women. And Nick won't say if he loves John.

We touch on the horror of the recent plane crash, which leads Nick towards a revelation about utilitarianism. Then things move on to the first part of an Agony Aunt Two-Parter. Well, you know how it is. We get distracted on the way there. By sexing goldfish. Then we turn to dispensing advice. Some of it properly helpful. For instance, how do you decide which child is your favourite? But also what to do if you're being made redundant, travelling around the world, or oh, um, we're discussing the Greek alphabet.

Nick explains his disappointment with those who die, and indeed his father's computer skills, and then we're joined by special guest, Toby. Nick really needs to say a thing about logo aesthetics, and then tells John off for calling Toby a boy. We ponder how UKIP thinks Britain would work without immigration, and then ask if you can have purpose without infinity. There are attempts to imagine a way Milliband could be spun to the nation, consideration of the next election, and Toby's views on the Conservative party. Then Nick makes QUITE the confession about The Big Bang Theory, we rue the youth's ignorance of Larry Sanders, and laugh at NVidia.

In our 182nd ever Rum Doings, our topic is, if white chocolate gets called white chocolate, when will it end? In a transatlantic episode, with John in San Francisco and Nick visiting the capital city of the United Kingdom, London, we discuss... oh bloody hell, Nick's clicking again. We will be organising a street fight in which listeners can kick Nick's face clean off his head if he doesn't buy himself an external microphone before the next episode. John reports on his boring flight, and there are tales of San Francisco, and how people's lives can spiral out of control. And we yet again reminisce on our brush with comedy fame.

We begin with a live technical testing of the broadcast systems, as Nick attempts to break the podcast from the off. Then we move on to being a bit disappointed with Jack Straw, the perils of interviewing games developers, and the spectacular collapse of the Daily Telegraph. We muse on hypocrisy, analyse the Telegraph's remarkable editorial, and then regale John's miserable experience of calling 111.

In our 180th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, it's the year 2000! Where are our hoverboards?! Instead we talk about scuppering podcasts, babies on planes, and John correctly points out how average is Frozen. We learn about Nick's daughter's racism, and ponder the results of the upcoming election, and then Nick starts crackling. Yup, sorry again, but Nick is a TERRIBLE PERSON. Even worse, he moves things on to videogames. Fortunately we move on, and discuss how utterly awful are the cartoon strips in Private Eye, which leads us to our favourite topic of User Friendly. And John's version. Toby briefly invades, as our episode 180 special guest, before we return to being rude about a cartoon.

In our 179th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, isn't it about time we did something about that pesky Boko Haram? We begin with cat leg news, then move on to some discussion about the peculiarities of the Sun's page 3. (Recorded yesterday, before boobies reappeared this morning.) We mention the popularity of John's willy, and Nick gives his argument in favour of objectification, before we drift our way to discussing the conclusion of Cabin Pressure. John explains what he likes least about his 12 week old son, we ponder holidays to Yorkshire, and John's teenage climbing habits, and then we conclude with information about Emanuel Swedenborg Day.

In our 178th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, isn't it about time we acknowledged the "women in the workplace" experiment should come to an end. We begin with rememberings of our first go on the internet, and then inevitably move on to the Charlie Hebdo story. Nick gives a short lecture on the nature of problematic religions, interrupted by a problematic wife, before we undo the nonsense of the argument that satire must only "punch up". We talk irony and the science of Mornington Crescent, and then John rants about how The Unbelievable Truth is a terrible radio concept. Then we somehow find ourselves dissecting the careers of Whose Line contestants, and ponder the descent of Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy. And we call Mitch Benn names, again.

In our 177th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, should there be a pink card in football for players who've done too many rapes? What CLICK we CLICK talk CLICK about CLICK instead CLICK is oh dear. Nick messed up. Despite a pleasant enough start, discussing pedo royals, about five minutes in Nick's recording goes crazy and starts clicking like a Geiger counter inside a nuclear bomb. If you can stand it, we go on to talk about late night chat shows, we close down all network TV and replace it with radio, and get an update on John's baby. We point out that hoverboards are a stupid idea, how we need dinosaurs back to humble mankind, and the most importantly of all... DECLARE THOMAS AQUINAS DAY ON 28TH JANUARY. Book the day off now, as this is to be a new international holiday for all Rum Doings listeners, to give us something to look forward to when returning to work after Christmas.

With a very special seven week old guest, this week's episode comes from Nick, John and Toby. We discuss stupid babies, stupid Theresa May, the divinity of the Lord Baby Jesus, and the awfulness of carols. We ponder four year old logic, Nick genuinely proselytises Strictly Come Dancing, and then we skewer Apple right through their hearts. It turns out neither of us is a huge fan of Bob Geldof, but we are big fans of Judge Coxcombe. And baby willies.

In our 175th ever Rum Doings, our topic is, when will someone finally stand up for the good-old British cabbie? Instead we talk about John's becoming a daddy, and John's going to a mental health nurse. We talk about anxiety disorder, then the truncated You & Yours. There's ranting about the ridiculous nonsense of feeding programmes for two-day-old babies and enforced formula use, and then learn some homeopathic uses for arsenic. John talks about the best and worst things about being a dad, and then some suggestions of videogames for little children to play.

Our topic is, isn't it about time to renationalise One Direction? In an episode beset by a strange satellite delay (we talk over each other more than usual), we dominantly discuss how lovely and thoughtful John is, and Nick's hate for all humanity. We consider the bath/wee dilemma as posted by 5 year old Judy. There's shouty arguments over terms like "trigger warning", and Nick's contempt for John is laid bare. But actually it's about ethics in games journalism, as well as Nick's frustration with John's interactions with the arseholes. Finally there's some chat about giving birth and becoming dads.