Dialogue On Divorce

If you divorced someone with a high-conflict personality, you may be concerned about repeating the same cycle in your next partnership. What steps can you take to reflect on the dynamics of your relationships and develop radar for people with high-conflict personalities? An international expert on managing disputes involving high-conflict personalities, Bill Eddy is the co-founder and Training Director of the High Conflict Institute. In addition, he is a Certified Family Law Specialist and Senior Family Mediator with the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Bill has written several books, including Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to ‘The One’ Who Will Make Your Life Hell and 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities. Today, Bill joins Katherine to share the four warning signs for people with high-conflict personalities. He explains how high-conflict people can jam your radar with fake compatibility

If you are the targeted parent in a case of parental alienation, it is easy to default to defensiveness. But responding with righteous indignation is actually counterproductive, making you look anxious, agitated and afraid. So, how can you approach the situation in a constructive way that won’t further alienate your child—or the custody evaluator assigned to your case? Dr. Amy J. L. Baker is a nationally recognized expert in parental alienation and the emotional abuse of children. She has written more than 115 publications including eight books on the topic of parent-child relationships, children of divorce and parental alienation syndrome. Dr. Baker serves as an expert witness and coaches parents dealing with alienated children and alienating co-parents. She is also the Director of Research at the Vincent J. Fontana Center for Child Protection. Dr. Baker holds a PhD in Developmental Psychology from Teachers College of Columbia University. Today, Dr. Baker joins Katherine to discuss the ins and outs of pare

How do you approach challenging situations? The coaching model popular in the business world takes a strengths-based approach, leveraging what employees are good at to tackle complex problems. What if we used a similar strategy as parents, leading with our strengths in difficult circumstances? What if we approached the divorce process the same way, tapping into our best attributes first as we work toward resolution? Gloria DeGaetano is the founder and CEO of the Parent Coaching Institute and Parent Coach International. An acclaimed educator, author and speaker, she originated parent coaching as a discipline 18 years ago. Today, the PCI Coaching Model and its affiliated certification program are used in 20 countries around the world. Gloria’s innovative work in parent coaching has appeared in Newsweek, Parents Magazine and The New York Times, among many other publications, and she has appeared on The Today Show and NPR’s Fresh Air. On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Gloria joins Katherine to explain how s

Divorce is a painful process that comes with some very strong emotions. Yet in order to avoid a toxic situation that puts your kids in the middle, divorcing couples must find safe spaces to express their anger and grief. Susan Bernardo found healing in writing workshops, art and dance classes, using creativity to work through the sadness, pick up the pieces and build something new. In fact, Susan’s experience with divorce inspired her first picture book, Sun Kisses, Moon Hugs, which reassures kids that love is forever, even if you are physically separated from the ones you love. Her sophomore effort was a collaboration with LeVar Burton to help kids cope with traumatic events, The Rhino Who Swallowed a Storm. Since then, she has published a third picture book, The Big Adventures of Tiny House, and her debut YA novel, Inspired. Today, Susan sits down with Katherine to explain how creative channels allowed her to process the grief she was feeling and how she went about reestablishing her identity as an indivi

Is there a way to protect your child’s innocence during the divorce process? What strategies can you use to parent well in the midst of such a difficult time? The Intelligent Divorce offers couples an approach to separation and divorce that prevents damage to kids and teaches you how to create a bi-nuclear family built on kindness and respect. Dr. Mark Banschick is a child psychiatrist in private practice in New York and a frequent expert witness in custody hearings. He coined the idea of the Intelligent Divorce and authored two books on the subject, The Intelligent Divorce: Taking Care of Children and The Intelligent Divorce: Taking Care of Yourself. Dr. Banschick has appeared on The CBS Early Show and the CBS Morning News, and he is published regularly in Psychology Today and the Huffington Post. Today, Dr. Banschick joins Katherine to explain how the Intelligent Divorce prevents damage to kids during the divorce process. He offers his take on divorce as a public health issue rather than a legal one and d

We know that the strong negative emotions associated with divorce make it difficult to think rationally. But have you ever wondered what happens in your brain when emotion takes over? How does a threat response impact your aptitude for conscious thought? And how might an understanding of the brain science shift your response and facilitate good, deliberative thinking? Dr. David Rock is the Director of the NeuroLeadership Institute, a global initiative designed to unite neuroscientists and leadership experts in the innovation of a new science for leadership development. Dr. Rock is also the co-editor of the NeuroLeadership Journal and the author of business bestseller Your Brain at Work. His work regularly appears in the Harvard Business Review, Fortune Magazine and Psychology Today, among many other publications, and Dr. Rock has served as a guest lecturer at a number of institutions, including Oxford University’s Said Business School. Today, Dr. Rock sits down with Katherine to discuss the brain science b

It is easy to get attached to your victim story and blame your ex for the fact that your marriage went up in flames. But there is a better way to approach divorce: It is possible to see it as a new beginning, an opportunity to learn about yourself and reinvent your life. So, how exactly do you learn to shift your thinking and rewrite your post-divorce storyline? Deb Purdy is a transformational coach, speaker, author and workshop leader. She is also the creator of My Divorce Recovery Kit and the author of Something Gained: 7 Shifts to Be Stronger, Smarter & Happier After Divorce. In the book, Deb shares the process she employed to successfully transition out of her own 10-year marriage and eventually create a collaborative co-parenting relationship with her ex-husband. Today, Deb sits down with Katherine to share the 7 shifts that helped her see divorce as a new beginning and thrive in its aftermath. She walks us through her transformation from feeling like a victim to taking ownership of her life and explai

There is a lot of guilt and shame associated with divorce, especially when it comes to our kids. We worry about how the experience will impact our children long-term and wonder if it’s even possible to communicate effectively as co-parents—when a breakdown in communication is what caused many of our problems to begin with! What steps can we take to be mindful co-parents and ensure that our kids will be okay? Dr. Jeremy Gaies is a licensed psychologist and certified family mediator based in Tampa, Florida. Dr. Gaies is passionate about helping divorcing families pursue peaceful solutions, and he is an advocate of the collaborate model at the local, state and national level. He is also the author of A Clear and Easy Guide to Collaborative Divorce and the co-author of Mindful Co-Parenting: A Child-Friendly Path Through Divorce. Today, Dr. Gaies joins Katherine to explain how a less adversarial divorce leads to better outcomes for children. They discuss the benefits of the collaborative model, describing how i

Many dads of divorce fear that they will be completely cut off from their children. They may also have difficulty navigating the shift in their relationships with both their kids and their co-parents in the aftermath of divorce. How can a coach support men in managing their feelings and developing the best possible bonds with their children? Richard Heller is the Founder and Lead Coach with Separate with Sanity, a coaching program that helps people in dysfunctional marriages get clarity around their values and divorce in a way that is respectful, recognizing that a shared responsibility to the family does not end with the marriage. Richard has enjoyed a 35-year career as an entrepreneur, and his experiences as the child of divorce, the husband in a divorced marriage, and the husband in a successful marriage that has nurtured five children make him uniquely qualified to support people in redefining their relationships in a way that works better for everyone involved. Today, Richard joins Katherine to discuss

If someone close to you is going through a divorce, you may not know what to say. Do they want to talk about it? You want to be helpful, but it can be tough to intuit what they need. For some, opening up about their divorce is healing. Others would rather talk about something else—or do something active. So, what is the best way to communicate with friends and family members about how you can best support them? Deborah Tannen is a New York Times bestselling author and Professor of Linguistics at Georgetown University. Her work focuses on how the language of everyday conversation impacts relationships, and she is best known for You Just Don’t Understand, the book that brought gender differences in communication style to the forefront of public awareness. Deborah is a frequent guest on national media, including The Today Show, PBS New Hour, Oprah and NPR. Her work has been featured in Newsweek, TIME and The Harvard Business Review, among many other publications. Deborah’s latest book, You’re the Only One I Can

It goes without saying that the decision to divorce is not an easy one to make. For some couples, the back-and-forth goes on for years. Yes, it’s bad. But is it THAT bad? How do you know when it’s finally time to leave? Nancy Colier is a psychotherapist, interfaith minister and relationship coach. A student of Eastern spirituality, mindfulness practices serve as the foundation of her work. She is invited to speak regularly on the topics of wellbeing and mindfulness, and Nancy has been featured on Good Morning America, Fox and Friends and in The New York Times. She is also a regular blogger for Psychology Today and the Huffington Post and the author of several books, including Inviting a Monkey to Tea: Befriending Your Mind and Discovering Lasting Contentment. Today, Nancy joins Katherine to discuss the individual nature of making the decision to divorce. She explains how high-functioning women develop coping strategies to numb the not okay-ness, how men tend to have less fear around finding another partner,

Making the decision to end a marriage is stressful enough. But for those women who have been misled or misinformed about their legal rights, it may not feel like they have any choice at all. There is so much overlap between the emotional and legal aspects of divorce, women need guidance that encompasses both elements of the process. Jill Murray is one of the nation’s leading experts on unhealthy relationships. She has appeared on CNN, Dr. Phil, The Today Show and Good Morning America. Adam Dodge is a former divorce attorney who now serves as Legal Director of Laura’s House, an emergency shelter for women and children fleeing domestic violence. Together, Jill and Adam wrote The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Divorce, a resource to help women navigate the decision to end a marriage, the legal and emotional components of the process, and the challenges of the aftermath. Today, Jill and Adam join Katherine to discuss the intersection between the legal and emotional aspects of divorce. Jill explains how she conceive

Being a stepparent is tricky. How do you get involved in your stepchildren’s lives without overstepping? How do you go about disciplining a stepchild? How do you approach the holidays? Stepfamilies do have their benefits but taking on the role of a stepparent is never going to be easy. On the bad days, it can feel like you ‘set your hair on fire, and you’re trying to put it out with a hammer.’ Jean McBride is a marriage and family therapist in Northern Colorado who has helped more than 20,000 families navigate divorce. She has spent the past 11 years specializing in post-divorce relationships, which encompasses parenting during and after divorce, remarriage and stepfamilies. Jean serves as a divorce coach trained in the Collaborative Divorce model as well as a speaker and consultant in the area of divorce and remarriage. She is the author of Encouraging Words for New Stepmothers and Talking to Children About Divorce. Today, Jean joins Katherine to share her take on why the role of stepmother is the most com

After 15 years of trying divorce cases in the courts, Barry Berkman had come to realize that ‘nobody ever won a divorce case.’ Litigation comes with a high price tag in the form of expense and the toxic effect on everyone involved, especially the children. So he started looking for a better way. At a mediation training in California in the mid-1990’s, Barry was inspired by stories of matrimonial lawyers using the collaborative process who hadn’t been to court in years. He returned to New York and started the state’s first collaborative practice. Today, Barry is a founding partner at Berkman Bottger Newman & Rodd, where he continues to specialize in matrimonial law and mediation. Barry teaches mediation at the Center for Mediation in Law, and he has been named among the Best Lawyers in America for eight years running. On this episode of Divorce Dialogues, Barry joins Katherine to explain his role in bringing collaborative divorce to New York. He shares the advantages of collaborative law over mediation as we

There is a great deal of shame associated with divorce, and much of the language we use around the process has an incredibly negative connotation—no one wants to be responsible for a ‘broken’ home or family. But Tara Eisenhard argues that we are all continually learning and growing, and divorce doesn’t have to be about dissolution. It can be seen as evolution, the opportunity to move forward toward new goals. Tara is a divorce coach and mediator on a mission to change the conversation about divorce in our culture. She also offers online courses and speaks at community events, sharing her GOOD Divorce Philosophy and inspiring a mindful approach to the process. Tara’s articles have been featured in DivorceForce, The Huffington Post and StepMom Magazine, among others. She is the author of The D-Word: Divorce Through a Child’s eyes as well as the Relative Evolutions blog. Today, Tara joins Katherine to share her take on divorce as an opportunity to move forward. She discusses the principles of nonviolent commun

Stepparents tend to get a bad rap. Odds are, your first encounter with the role was through the archetype of an evil stepmother in a fairy tale like Cinderella. The cultural narrative depicts stepparents as a negative force in the life of a child—either ignoring, taking advantage, or actively working against them! Monique Honaman is on a mission to change the narrative. She has joined forces with her husband, Justin, to write BONUS Dad! BONUS Mom! A Child’s Guide to Understanding the Role of a Step-Parent. The picture book illustrates the positive role a bonus parent can play, not to replace either parent—but to be a ‘bonus’ trusted adult in the child’s life. Monique has also written two books for adults on the topic of divorce, The High Road Has Less Traffic and The High Road Has Less Traffic … and a Better View. Today, Monique joins Katherine to share the inspiration for BONUS Dad! BONUS Mom! She explains the message of the book and what she has learned from reader feedback. Monique discusses her own expe

Once you’ve decided on divorce, the next step is to determine how you and your former partner will come to a resolution. Given that 97% of divorces in New York settle before a judge gets involved, it is in your best interests to explore the full spectrum of options and make an informed decision based on your particular circumstances. This is called process choice. Sarah Hechtman is a trained collaborative lawyer and family mediator. Before practicing family law, Sarah worked as a civil rights lawyer, prosecuting class action cases on behalf of children through Children’s Rights and Advocates for Children of New York. She also served as an Assistant District Attorney in the New York County DA’s Office where she was a member of the Domestic Violence and Sex Crimes Unit. Sarah made the transition to family law in 2006, and since then she has handled complex divorce cases involving substantial financial assets as well as highly contested child custody cases. Sarah’s interest in the welfare of children coupled wi

The divorce process initiates a time of radical change and transformation, and one major part of that change involves a potential change of address. As you and your ex-partner separate your assets, it may be necessary to sell the home you shared and make arrangements for a new place to live. Anthony Sibio is a licensed broker with Coldwell Banker Real Estate. Anthony has served the Pleasantville area for 15 years, and he sees his role as that of a trusted advisor tasked with helping each client achieve their particular goals. Anthony is a graduate of Iona College in New Rochelle, where he earned a BBA in marketing. Today, Anthony joins Katherine to explain how he handles a sale when the circumstances involve divorce. He discusses the seller’s tendency to overestimate the value of their home and walks us through his approach to comparative market analysis. Anthony speaks to the necessity of having a plan in place should your home sell quickly as well as the feasibility of keeping your children in the same sc

How do you learn to be okay with not being okay? In a culture where we’re taught to run from discomfort, it can seem like quite a feat to stop and take inventory of what’s true for us in a particular moment—especially if what we’re feeling is pain. But Nancy Colier argues that ‘company with our own experience IS the healing.’ Nancy is a psychotherapist and relationship coach whose work is grounded in mindfulness practices. She is the author of Inviting a Monkey to Tea: Befriending Your Mind and Discovering Lasting Contentment as well as The Power of Off: The Mindful Way to Stay Sane in a Virtual World. A thought leader on the topics of wellbeing, mindfulness and technology, Nancy has been featured on Good Morning America and in The New York Times, Huffington Post and Psychology Today. Today, Nancy joins Katherine to share the definition of mindfulness and explain what it means to bring mindfulness to divorce. She walks us through the process of communicating in a less reactive, more compassionate way by sp

Laughter really can be the best medicine, even when what ails you is a painful divorce. When Kevin Cotter’s ex-wife moved out of their home, she left her wedding dress in its preservation box—on the middle shelf at the center of the closet. When Kevin asked her what he was supposed to do with it, she said, “Do whatever … you want, I’m not taking the dress!” He eventually shared this backstory with his family, and they brainstormed a number of ideas. It was Kevin’s sister-in-law who suggested that he could probably come up with 101 uses. The laughter was therapeutic, and Kevin realized that sharing his experience through a blog might benefit others as well. Kevin’s humorous look at the divorce and recovery process evolved to become the book 101 Uses for My Ex-Wife’s Wedding Dress: How One Man Took an Awkward Situation and Made It Hilarious and Practical. Today, Kevin joins Katherine to discuss the unexpected response he received upon launching the blog, from both men and women. He walks us through the evolut