Dialogue On Divorce

By 2001, Suzanne Brunsting had been practicing as a matrimonial litigator for 20 years. The more experienced she got, the more difficult and contentious the cases referred to her. Day in, day out, she was witness to the damage endured by families embroiled in the process, especially the children at the center of custody battles. There had to be a better way. And that spring, a colleague introduced Sue to the collaborative model. Now Sue is a collaborative lawyer and settlement advocate who helps divorcing clients reach agreements without resorting to the courts.  Sue has 30-plus years of experience in the field of family law, and since 2004, she has limited her practice to collaborative law and settlement advocacy. She was the first president of the Collaborative Law Association of the Rochester Area, and she has been an active member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals since 2001. In addition, Sue teaches beginning collaborative law and advanced skills courses. Today, Sue sits down

Traditionally, alternative dispute resolution methods like mediation and collaborative divorce are seen as a good fit for couples who are civil to each other and simply need a professional to support them in the legal aspects of the process. But Bill Eddy argues that the non-adversarial processes are crucial for high-conflict people navigating divorce. Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the co-founder and Training Director of the High Conflict Institute. He has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high-conflict personalities and personality disorders, and he provides training on the subject to professionals all over the world. Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in Sand Diego. He is the author of several books, including High Conflict People in Legal Disputes, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and BIFF: Quick Responses

Whether a conflict involves international powers, corporate leadership, or a husband and wife, a violation of dignity is always the underlying cause. No matter the situation, we are all looking to be treated as if we have worth and value, and it is this fundamental desire for dignity that makes us human. How can a better understanding of the principles of dignity help us improve our relationships and address conflicts in a way that doesn’t perpetuate a destructive dynamic? Donna Hicks has 20-plus years of experience as a facilitator in international conflicts in the Middle East, Sri Lanka, Colombia, Cuba, Northern Ireland and the US. Her understanding of dignity and the role it plays in resolving conflict has transformed work environments for prominent companies, nonprofits and government agencies, and Donna’s impressive client roster includes the World Bank, the United Nations, the US Navy and the Senate of Colombia. She was a featured speaker at TEDx Stormont in 2013 and co-host of Facing the Truth for the

Substance abuse often plays a role in the divorce process, either as the catalyst for or the result of conflict in a relationship. How do you go about having your former partner evaluated to ensure their health and safety—and that of your children? Dr. Raymond Griffin has worked in the field of addiction and counseling for 37-plus years. He served as the president of the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence as well as founder and director of the Greenwich Center. Dr. Griffin has taken part in many collaborative divorce and mediation processes and performed a number of forensic evaluations for federal and state courts. He is also a frequent Continuing Legal Education lecturer and host of the radio show Changing Your Life. Today, Dr. Griffin joins Katherine to explain his role in determining the extent of substance abuse issues during the divorce process. He shares his take on the degrading nature of litigation and his preference for collaborative divorce. Dr. Griffin describes the evaluation pr

The parties in a litigated divorce spend years—and tens-of-thousands of dollars—preparing for a trial that is extremely unlikely to happen. This disconnect led to the development of mediation as an option, allowing divorcing couples to work toward settlement without spending unnecessary time and money in preparation for a trial that will never come to fruition. Are there other myths and misconceptions about the conventional litigation model? What are the benefits of mediation? Sam Margulies is one of the most experienced mediators in the country, having facilitated settlements in hundreds of civil disputes and approximately four thousand divorces since 1980. Sam also has 35 years of experience training divorce mediators and conducting civil mediation training programs. He has served as Director of the Institute for Dispute Resolution of the Seton Hall Law School and taught graduate courses in mediation at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Sam is also the author of three books on divorce and med

‘How you go through this forest determines, to great extent, who you are when you come out of it.’ Getting divorced can feel a lot like being lost in the woods. And no matter how much information you have gathered from the experts, you probably still feel very much alone. What if there was a community of women making their way through that same forest that you could go to for support and guidance? Elise Pettus is the founder and Editorial Director of UNtied, an online and real-life community for women navigating separation and divorce. UNtied is a membership organization based in Brooklyn that hosts panels and workshops on a variety of topics, from hiring a lawyer to co-parenting to blending families. A graduate of Columbia Journalism School, Elise wrote on marriage, health and family for New York Magazine, Healthy Living, and the Huffington Post, among many others, before shifting her focus to UNtied full-time. UNtied currently boasts more than 1500 subscribers, and the organization prides itself on connec

Alexis Neely was going through an adversarial divorce settlement process. One evening in a hotel room, the weight of the conflict landed on her, and she prayed that a higher power would show her the way to resolution. In that moment, a very clear voice inside said, “Ask him what he needs to be safe, and give it to him.” Initially, Alexis resisted. Would her ex-husband take advantage of her generosity? What if he asked for more than she had to give? Eventually, though, Alexis found the courage and posed the question… Today, Alexis is an estate and business planning attorney, a serial entrepreneur, and a single mom. After divorcing her husband in 2005, she went on to build a million-dollar law practice based on a new pricing model inspired in part by her experience with the settlement process. Alexis teaches her New Law Business Model to lawyers worldwide and supports entrepreneurs and small business owners in making legal, insurance, financial and tax decisions with their ‘eyes wide open.’ She and her ex-husb

Parental alienation is a high-stakes game with serious, long-term consequences for the children involved. When a child is manipulated into showing unwarranted fear or hostility toward the targeted parent and used as a pawn in one parent’s agenda against the other, it alters their sense of reality and normalizes deceit in the context of relationships. What causes a parent to put their child in this position? Board Certified Marital and Family Law attorney Charles Jamieson has been protecting parental and family rights for the past 37 years. As lead legal consultant to individuals with divorce issues in more than 20 states, Mr. Jamieson has developed a wealth of experience in the field of family law services and collaborative family law, and he is respected among child support lawyers, domestic violence attorneys, and divorce attorneys alike in his home state of Florida. Today, Charlie sits down with Katherine to discuss the spectrum of parental alienation, explaining why cases of extreme alienation are diff

‘We are emotionally wired to avoid conflict. People sometimes have to be forced to—or have to be encouraged or coached to—and the prenup provides that opportunity because you really do have to sit down, roll up your sleeves, and start talking about what’s important to you.’ Mindy Utay is a psychotherapist in practice on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. Her background in the law, social work, and psychoanalysis allows Mindy to support couples and families in identifying and resolving conflicts with courage and optimism. She is a coveted relationship expert and speaker on the topics of relationship conflicts, marriage, and parenting, and Mindy is a regular columnist for the Huffington Post. Today, Mindy sits down with Katherine to offer insight around the contradiction of prenuptial agreements, explaining why it’s so challenging to consider the end of a relationship at the very beginning. She discusses the problems associated with the ‘moneyed spouse’ approaching a lawyer alone and shares her alternative approa

When emotions are running high in the divorce process, it is not uncommon for people to amplify their concerns over an ex-spouse’s ability to parent. In some cases, those concerns might lead to allegations of child abuse and neglect. What is the right course of action when you suspect an ex-spouse of substance abuse or mental health issues? What can you do to ensure the health and safety of your children without overreacting? What happens once Child Protective Services gets involved? Allison Williams is the founder and owner of Williams Law Group, a practice focused exclusively on matrimonial and family law with an emphasis on complex child welfare matters. An established leader in the field of child welfare law, Allison has appeared on several media outlets including Katie, News 12 New Jersey and Chasing News, and she lectures regularly for professional organizations like the Institute for Continuing Legal Education. In 2017, she was recognized as a New Jersey Super Lawyer for the fourth consecutive year.

In working with divorcing clients, family lawyers develop both legal and financial strategy. But there is a third element to the ‘triad of divorce’—the family. How can we support lawyers in gathering the information they need in the area of child custody? How can we make divorce child-centric and support families in making a fluid transition? How can we put the ‘family’ back in family law? Dr. Eric Frazer is the co-founder of Child Custody Analytics, an online platform designed to provide family lawyers with expert information and solutions around child custody. A forensic psychologist in private practice since 2002, Dr. Frazer specializes in Psychological Assessment, and he is well-versed in the contributions psychology brings to family law practices. Dr. Frazer earned his PhD from the Yale University School of Medicine. Today, Dr. Frazer joins Katherine to discuss the evolution of family law, specifically the current ‘best interest of the child’ standard. He explains the aim of his company, Child Custod

With the Bipartisan Budget Act of 2015, lawmakers closed the loophole that allowed a worker to file for social security benefits and then suspend payments—while his or her partner collected the spousal benefit. How might these changes impact your social security benefits? How can you maximize the amount you receive from the government? And how are social security benefits calculated in the first place? Gayle Lob is the President and CEO of Lob Planning Group. With 29 years of experience in financial planning, investment management and insurance, she is adept at helping people manage life transitions and plan for financial security and independence. Gayle is also an authority in the realm of social security benefits, and she has shared her expertise on CNBC, CNN and Fox 5 New York. Today, Gayle joins Katherine to explain the new rules around social security that came with the passage of the Bipartisan Budget Act, specifically focusing on the elimination of the file-and-suspend strategy. She offers insight in

Divorce is a difficult emotional journey, regardless of the circumstances. But in most cases, the divorcing partners are in very different places along that journey. The person leaning out has likely been thinking about ending the marriage for a long time, while the other is a bit of a ‘deer in headlights’ and needs time to catch up emotionally. What role can a divorce coach play in helping the couple navigate this common disconnect? Shireen Meistrich is the President of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, and she has served on the leadership team of the Collaborative Divorce Association of New Jersey since 2007. Shireen has spent the last ten years working as a collaborative divorce coach, helping families increase communication and decrease conflict through the alternative dispute-resolution process. She is skilled in managing the emotional hurdles that present as obstacles toward an effective resolution. Today, Shireen sits down with Katherine to share her ‘train station’ analogy, e

The vast majority of divorcing couples who choose litigation do so due to the misconception that the courts will protect them. The fact is, 97% of divorce cases in New York settle before they go to trial, and the judge is in no position to protect the 3% that do. The Honorable Sondra Miller spent 21 years in the court system, and she contends that divorcing couples are much better served by alternative dispute resolution processes such as mediation and collaborative divorce. Judge Miller received her law degree from Harvard University in 1953. She was a Westchester County Family Court Judge for three years before her election to the New York Supreme Court in 1986. Judge Miller was appointed by Governor Mario Cuomo as a Justice for the Appellate Division in 1990 and commissioned by Chief Justice Judith Kaye to conduct hearings on the state of matrimonial law in New York in 2006. The resulting Miller Commission report prompted the passage of no-fault divorce the state. Today, Judge Miller joins Katherine t

‘[The conflict] was so contentious on a regular basis, there was no room for the children—and that’s the danger.’ The sad truth is that divorcing parents embroiled in conflict are often so wrapped up in their own pain that they fail to protect their children. This was true for Janet, an adult child of divorce who continues to feel the impact of the tension, hostility and destruction that marked the end of her parents’ relationship. Today, Janet sits down with Katherine to share her difficult experience as a child of divorce. She describes the shame she felt around the ‘failure’ of her family and the impact of her parents’ lack of control on Janet and her siblings. She relates the all-consuming pain she experienced during her parents’ divorce, the lifelong consequences of destructive behavior felt by children of divorce, and how the process informs her conduct now that she is a wife and mother herself. Listen in for Janet’s insight on maintaining and articulating respect for your ex-spouse and creating an e

Divorce can bring out sides of ourselves we didn’t know were there. Depression is common, as is rage. And many divorcing couples are surprised by these feelings of extreme anger or sadness and isolation. The question becomes, how do you process these emotions and deal with them in a healthy way? Elana Katz is a psychotherapist and collaborative divorce professional based in Manhattan. She also serves as senior faculty at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, where she teaches advanced family therapy and directs the Family and Divorce Mediation Program. Elana presents nationally and internationally on family therapy, mediation and collaborative divorce, and she has been quoted by the New York Times, the Associated Press and NPR. Today, Elana joins Katherine to explain how the experience of divorce can serve as a triggering event for depression. She walks us through attachment theory, describing how we process separation as a danger cue. Elana also addresses the other common post-divorce emotion, rage. She s

In 1990, Minneapolis divorce attorney Stu Webb was burned out and ready to call it a day. He had been practicing family law for 26 years, and he was done with the adversarial nature of litigation. Stu had a plan to quit his law practice, but he decided to quit ‘outrageously’ and try something completely different—working WITH the other lawyer toward a settlement for the divorcing couple. The concept worked, and Stu became the founding father of collaborative divorce. Stu began to share information with small groups of like-minded lawyers across the country and built a community of professionals dedicated to out-of-court settlements through organizations like the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota. Today, collaborative law is helping families transition with dignity in 23 countries around the world. Stu retired in 2012, after 48 years of law practice. His legacy includes the co-authorship of The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method That Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs and Happier K

We’re taught that forgiveness is good for us, that it’s what good people do. But if you’ve experienced betrayal or hurt and the responsible party demonstrates little remorse, forgiveness may seem impossible. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring would argue that acceptance is a viable alternative to forgiveness, allowing you to stop obsessing over the injury, get healthy and heal. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring is a board certified clinical psychologist and renowned expert in the realm of trust, intimacy and forgiveness. She has been in private practice for 40-plus years, earning the Connecticut Psychological Association’s Award for Distinguished Contribution to the Practice of Psychology and the Connecticut Marriage and Family Therapy’s Award for Distinguished Service to Families. Dr. Spring often serves as a guest expert in the national media, appearing in The New York Times, Huffington Post, Good Morning America and NPR, among others. She is also the award-winning author of After the Affair, How Can I Forgive You? and Life

You may have guessed that the tone of the mediation process is very different from that of litigation, but you may or may not realize that a couple can makes use of more than one process choice during the course of a divorce. Barbara and her ex-husband, Alan, used a mediator to design a parenting plan, and the process was both cost-effective and peaceful. But when it came time to deal with the unraveling of their financial lives, the tone shifted. Barbara had left her job in social work 13 years prior to stay home and care for their children, one of whom suffered from a life-threatening disease before his passing at the age of seven. Alan worked long and hard to cultivate a successful career on Wall Street. As a result, Alan deferred to Barbara on much of the decision-making around parenting, while he took responsibility for the management of their finances. Their views of each other’s contribution to the economic partnership were very different, and the division of their assets became a point of contentio

Parents are often wary of the role of a child specialist in the divorce process. They don’t want to put their children in a difficult position, and the divorcing couple may be under the mistaken impression that the child specialist is there to do a forensic evaluation and make custody recommendations. Rather, it is the job of a child specialist to empower the children in the collaborative process, giving voice to their needs and concerns. Dr. Lauren Behrman is a clinical psychologist, child specialist, mediator, collaborative divorce professional and parent coordinator. She has offices in White Plains, Katonah and Midtown Manhattan, where she provides divorce services that include parent coordination, co-parent counseling, neutral child specialist and divorce coach in the collaborative setting. Working in private practice since 1985, Lauren has considerable professional experience in treating children and families of divorce. She is committed to helping families facing challenges and transitions in life and