The Gender Knot

It’s a big cliché that men are scared to commit, don’t want to be tied down, are always ‘hitting the road’ and leaving promising relationships with women. Today’s guest thinks this is a simply not true and actually leads to us all suffering and having worse relationships. We dive into the nuances. Note: The Gender Knot will be back in early October - we are taking a break during September but will be back in a few weeks. Write to us in the meantime! Guest: Dan Carroll, co-host of the podcast Fine and Dandy with Dan and Andy https://fineanddandypod.com/Host and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host: Jonathan FreemanCo-producers: Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell  Additional links: Gender Knot merch available at TeePublic https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-gender-knotThe Gender Knot podcast https://www.thegenderknot.com/ and Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

Why is shame such an issue for men despite the privileges men still have in almost all societies? Is privilege itself part of the problem, and what can be done to tackle this issue? Women are also being vocal about their experiences due to toxic masculinity and also male shame. Where does this leave men as they try to grapple with their own experiences?Guest: Rob Kandell, coach and consultant, host of the podcast Tuff Love https://robertkandell.com/episodes/, and co-founder of One TasteHost and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host: Jonathan FreemanCo-producers: Sam Baker and Jonathan BlackwellAdditional links: The Gender Knot merch by TeePublic https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-gender-knotThe Gender Knot podcast https://www.thegenderknot.com/ and Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

In April, a report by the UK governments and the Equalities and Human Rights Commission showed that 80% of large companies still paid male employees more than the women. In the US, in 2017 women still earnt just 82% of men’s salaries, according to data by the Pew Research Center. There are structural changes that still need to take place, how do men and women approach pay negotiations differently? How receptive are bosses to women asking for more money, and what are the best ways women can negotiate to be paid more? Guests:Gillian Orr, journalist and content director, Refinery29Caroline Elliot, Managing Partner of the Quattrain training partnership and former producer, editor and board member at BBC radioHost and producer:Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host:Sam BakerCo-producers:Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell Additional links:‘Building Resilience’ – Quattrain blog post by Caroline ElliotThe Gender Knot merch from TeePublic https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-gender-knotThe Gender Knot podcast https://www.

Men’s groups can’t be a substitute for therapy, says today’s guest. We recently looked at men’s groups and had some interesting feedback. Despite all the positives we hear, that can be problems which are worth knowing about. We speak to someone who actually runs men’s groups and also works helping teenagers develop healthy relationships. We delve into the potential problems, and how to best utilize men’s groups, both if running one and if attending.Guest:German Villegas, host of the Modern Manhood podcast, teacher, educator, man-at-large at Next Gen Men https://modernmanhood.org/Host and producer:Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host:Jonathan FreemanCo-producers:Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell Additional links: The Gender Knot podcast https://www.thegenderknot.com/ and Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

Jonathan is stuck in the library in DC, and Nas and Sam and Jonny in London are all swamped, so we decided to play you an episode of one of our favourite podcasts while we work on more Gender Knot material for you for next week onwards.The Ministry of Ideas is a podcast about the ideas that shape our world, and is from Harvard Divinity School. Their episode ‘White Balance’ looks at how understanding race in American also requires understanding its relationship to class. It’s a compelling and deeply moving episode and features the poet and writer Dr Joshua Bennett, and the author of the book ‘White Trash’, Nancy Isenberg.We’ll be back next week and have episodes coming up on men’s groups (a follow up), how women can negotiate for better pay, and male shame.Guest podcast episode: Ministry of Ideas podcast from Harvard Divinity School https://www.ministryofideas.org/The Gender Knot - Host and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host: Jonathan FreemanCo-producers: Sam Baker and Jonathan BlackwellAdditional

‘Transformative’ is a word we’ve heard from so many men who’ve benefitted from men’s groups. It’s a topic that’s comes up on this podcast a lot. Why are so many men getting together with other men to talk about their lives and experiences? How do these groups work and what do they talk about in them? And can they provide men with the support that they need?Guests:Kenny Mammarella D’Cruz 'The Man Whisperer', men’s group founder and personal development consultant http://www.kennydcruz.com/Chad Howse, fitness and lifestyle blogger and host of the podcast Man Up with Chad Howse podcast http://chadhowsefitness.com/Anonymous member of a men’s groupRowan Andrews, men’s group coach and facilitator and a business coach https://www.meetup.com/Mens-group-NoMoreMrNiceGuy-UK/Host and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-hosts: Jonathan Freeman and Jonathan BlackwellCo-producers: Sam Baker and Jonathan BlackwellSponsor: Beer52 – head to https://www.beer52.com/gender for a free case of British craft beerAdditional lin

This week’s guest emailed 700 people asking to be set up on a date, and followed up with everyone a year later detailing what happened. The most interesting part of her results are that the people she knew the least were the ones who set her up with someone.Our friends know our best and yet why do we under utilize our friends in the search for fulfilling romantic relationships? Should friends set each other up more? And why is it likelier that people we know less well are the ones who may actually introduce us to someone who could change our lives?Guest:Erica Berger, journalist, host of the TBD podcast https://www.livetbd.com/Host and producer:Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host:Jonathan FreemanCo-producers:Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell Sponsor:Beer52 – head to www.beer52.com/gender Additional links:Erica Berger’s piece: “Swiped out: I emailed 700 friends asking to get set up after deleting dating apps. Here’s what I learned about love in America” https://bit.ly/2w7PQGMInterview with Erica Berger: “What

Male Shame lies at the root of so many problematic dynamics between men and women, whether on an individual or a society-wide scale. The problem is many men have a very limited space where they can explore their shame, if they even have that space at all. How can women play a role in this and what’s the best way to make a man aware of the consequences of his shame based behaviour? A coach and consultant helps us figure this out.Guest: Rob Kandell, coach and consultant, host of the podcast Tuff Love https://robertkandell.com/episodes/, co-founder of One TasteHost and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-Far Co-host: Jonathan FreemanCo-producers: Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell Sponsor: The Economist Additional links: The Gender Knot podcast and Facebook Grouphttps://www.thegenderknot.com/https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/Financial Times review of The Gender Knot https://on.ft.com/2IPHObYMusic: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons) 5 Pieces by Black Ant (used under Crea

Speaking more forcefully, being more assertive (or even aggressive), over-confidence and being unrealistic about outcomes; these are just some of the ways in which women in technology are told to approach investors if they are to raise money. But is this advice fair or even accurate? Why is it harder for women in tech to raise investment money, what needs to be done to change things around, and what advice to women get which doesn’t work and is even damaging? A tech investor tells us more. Guest:Jonathan Sposato, investor, author of “Better Together: 8 ways working with women leads to extraordinary products and profits” https://amzn.to/2SFYF0KHost and producer:Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host:Jonathan FreemanCo-producers:Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell Relevant Links:The Gender Knot podcast and Facebook Grouphttps://www.thegenderknot.com/https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)5 Pieces by Black Ant (used under Creative Com

We got a curious email from the folks at Ashley Madison recently – that’s the dating website for people looking for discreet encounters, such as affairs. They’ve seen a rise in the number of women signing up, and there’s evidence showing that more women are cheating on their spouses – or perhaps women are now more open or honest about their affairs.We delve into why this is happening. We speak to a woman who has had an extra-marital affair to find out her reasons for the affair and her experience of it, and sex therapist Dr Tammy Nelson tells us about the wider social reasons for women seeking extra-marital affairs. Guests:‘Mary’, woman who has had an extra-marital affairDr Tammy Nelson, psychotherapist and sexuality expert, author of the book ‘The New Monogamy; redefining your relationship after infidelity’ https://drtammynelson.com/Host and producer:Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host:Jonathan FreemanCo-producers:Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell Sponsor:The Economist Relevant Links:The Gender Knot podcast

In season 2 we explored why we’re scared of ambitious women, and talked to our co-producer Sam and a teacher about the roots of this problem. It was an episode which really resonated with so many women who listen to this show and a dilemma we just had to revisit. Mark Pagan has talked about his mixed attitudes to dating ambitious women on his own podcast Other Men Need Help. Mark finds ambitious women attractive but is also threatened by them, this being a dynamic which isn’t all that rare, and one we delve into more with him, trying to figure out the personal and wider social reasons behind this paradox.Guest:Mark Pagan, host of the podcast Other Men Need Help https://othermenneedhelp.com/Host and producer:Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host:Jonathan FreemanCo-producers:Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell Related links:The Gender Knot t-shirts are now available hereOther Men Need Help’s episode Manual Men https://othermenneedhelp.com/season-1/episode-4-manual-menOther Men Need Help are looking for stories for

This is the century where men need to rethink their identities at home and at work, says world renowned therapist Esther Perel, and that things will only change for women once men do this. We hear about her experiences working with couples and the unique challenges men face when trying to navigate their inner lives, and she advises us on how men and women can better communicate with each other. Guest:Esther Perel, therapist, author of ‘Mating in Captivity’ and ‘The State of Affairs’, host of the podcast Where Should We Begin? https://www.estherperel.com/podcastHost and producer:Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host:Jonathan FreemanCo-producers:Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell Sponsor:The Economist Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)5 Pieces by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

Stephanie Butnick of the Unorthodox podcast and Tablet Magazine joins us to kick of season 3 where we ask if the men accused of sexual assault and harassment under the #MeToo movement can make comebacks. Note: There are rumours that Charlie Rose may have a show where he interviews other accused men, that Mario Batali will be opening more restaurants and that Louis CK may be making a comeback, along with rumours about many others too. Is now the right time for a comeback, and should they even comeback at all? Guest:Stephanie Butnick, one of the hosts of the Unorthodox podcast and deputy editor of Tablet Magazine https://www.tabletmag.com/tag/unorthodoxHost and producer:Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host:Jonathan FreemanCo-producers:Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell Related links:The Gender Knot podcast and Facebook Grouphttps://www.thegenderknot.com/https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

Pulitzer Prize winning author Junot Diaz recently joined a line of men such as Louis CK and Aziz Ansari who had been looked to by some people as being allies to women, but who have recently been accused of sexual assault or harassment in the wake of the #MeToo movement. These men have helped some men grapple with their own masculine identities and are people who have ‘gone there’ and have tried to attempt being better towards women, especially given it can be hard for men to talk about these issues with each other. But where can men turn when these heroes are also shown to be deeply flawed – and is flawed even the right word given the gravity of these allegations? We’ll be back with Season 3 in June. Guest:Mark Pagan, host of the podcast Other Men Need Help https://othermenneedhelp.com/Host and producer:Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host:Jonathan FreemanCo-producers:Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell Related links:Junot Diaz: “The Silence, the legacy of childhood trauma” – published in the New Yorker on 9th A

A man going off on a solo expedition into the wilderness when he’s having a dilemma or a tough time or when he needs to make a difficult decision is a staple of so much literature, and especially of fiction aimed at boys. It also seems to be a thing in reality too.Is this simply a form of romantic escapism or can it help men to solve their problems and to deal with difficult times? And do men actually need to spend time in nature to become better men? An outdoors-y Californian man helps us untangle this, with the help of some great essays too.Note: We are on hiatus until June, when we’ll be returning with Season 3\. There will be another bonus episode of The Gender Knot again before then.**Guest:** Seth Miller, founder of [Justice TVA](http://www.justicetva.com/)**Related links:**Farther Away: “Robinson Crusoe”, David Foster Wallace and the island of solitude - by Jonathan Franzen, New Yorker April 2011 https://bit.ly/2Hjqie7 Pond Scum: Henry David Thoreau’s moral myopia – by Kathryn Schulz, New Yorker Octobe

We’ve heard a lot about the dilemmas surrounding men and their feelings on this podcast: how boys are raised with little acknowledgement of their feelings or disallowed from expressing or exploring them, to the destructive impact this has when they grow up, be it through high rates of depression and suicide in men or potentially violent behaviour. And then there's the huge amounts of emotional labour that many women end up performing in many areas of life as a result. Last time we tried to discuss this topic, the co-hosts had an argument! This time around, we’re joined by another podcast host to help us see what we can all do going forward: what are things we can all do to help men who want to explore their feelings, and how should we be having these conversations in the first place? Note: we are on hiatus and will be back with a new series in June. We will have a few more mini-episodes coming up for you before then. Host and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host: Jonathan FreemanCo-producers: Sam Ba

We just made Time Magazine’s list of 50 best podcasts - http://time.com/5178078/best-podcasts-2018/ - and they recommended this episode from earlier in season 2, which is also one of our favorites, so we’re replaying it now.We explore the best things men can do if they want to help feminism, and the things they should avoid. We also look to the push for racial equality to see what lessons can be learnt and applied to the movement for gender equality.We are on hiatus and back with our next season in June, though we will have mini-episodes every few weeks, with the next one in a fortnight.Note also: Nas will be taking part in a salon with the website and social network [Ideapod](http://ideapod.com/), discussing this topic Salon: [Why men need to spend more time with just men](https://ideapod.lpages.co/webinar-why-men-need-to-spend-more-time-with-just-men/). It takes place on Monday 2nd April, 11pm BST / 6 pm EST / 3 pm PST with Ideapod founder Justin Brown. Follow the link to join.Host & producer: Nas aka N

Ambitious women get held to tricky double standards; there’s the expectation that they should have the drive and vision of ambitious men but are also expected to ‘be nice’, to care take others and to not threaten men. And women are often harshly judged for many of the more negative downsides to ambition – such as being less considerate of others and demanding your worth – which are either seen as positives or neutral when done by men.We’re living in an era when there is probably more acceptance of female ambition and championing of women’s potential than ever before. But still, why do we have these impossible double stands for ambitious women?Note: this is the final episode of Season 2\. We will be back with Season 3 on 19th June 2018, and we will also be releasing a few mini-episodes before then.Host and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host: Jonathan FreemanCo-producers: Sam Baker and Jonathan BlackwellGuests: Sam Baker, co-producerAlice, teacherRelated links:‘Jill Abramson and the wholly sexist na

Former Apprentice contestant Michaela Wain and journalist Chris Hemmings help us figure out if women can break into boys clubs – those industries where men favour each other for jobs and create an atmosphere which makes it hard for women to get ahead.Michaela runs several businesses in the construction industry, which is also very male, and her assertive drive and ability to crack on and get things done inspired many people during her stint on The Apprentice. Chris has written about macho culture and his experiences in the Rugby Club while at university in his book ‘Be a Man’. He reports on masculinity and how it’s changing and what needs to be done to create healthier male cultures.Host and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host: Jonathan FreemanGuests: Michaela Wain, entrepreneur, contestant on The Apprentice https://twitter.com/Michaelawain1Chris Hemmings, Journalist, author of ‘Be A Man’ https://twitter.com/hemmchLive show sponsor: The Balvenie https://www.thebalvenie.com/ and Piper Heidsieck http

James Barr, co-host of the hit LGBTQ+ podcast A Gay and a Non-Gay, posed this question to us and joins as a special co-host for this episode.Gay men have been gaining more rights and visibility, and yet homophobia exists, both in and outside the community. Why are some gay men still homophobic despite the strides that have been made for acceptance, and exactly what forms does this type of homophobia take today?Host and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-FarCo-host: James Barr, co-host of the podcast A Gay and a Nongay https://shows.pippa.io/gayCo-producers: Sam Baker and Jonathan BlackwellGuests:Matthew Todd, author of the book ‘Straight Jacket’ https://twitter.com/MrMatthewToddMatt Cain, editor of Attitude Magazine https://twitter.com/MattCainWriterMusic: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)Related links: The Gender Knot podcast and Facebook Grouphttps://www.thegenderknot.com/https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under C