Modern Love

When Daniel Jones started the Modern Love column in 2004, he opened the call for submissions and hoped the idea would catch on. Twenty years later, over a thousand Modern Love essays have been published in The New York Times, and the column is a trove of real-life love stories.Dan has put so much of himself into editing the column over the years, but as he tells our host, Anna Martin, the column has influenced him, too. Today, Dan shares three Modern Love essays that have changed the way he thinks about love and relationships in his own life.Also, Anna announces the beginning of a special series of episodes celebrating Modern Love’s 20th anniversary.

The New York Times’s film critic Alissa Wilkinson has a theory about movies: They’re all about relationships. No matter how big the action, the suspense and tension we experience when watching a film is often really about the feelings between the characters.But romantic relationships often fall back on old tropes, like the long-suffering wife of an ex-cop who can’t resist that one last, risky case. (We all know her; she leaves teary voice messages urging him to be safe.) Some of this year’s Oscar-nominated films give us fresher portraits of love. Alissa and our host, Anna Martin, discuss the relationships that defy convention or easy definition, and push us to reconsider how we think about human connection, in three of those movies: “Poor Things,” “Maestro” and “Past Lives.”

The New York Times political reporter Astead Herndon went speed dating in a swing state to ask daters fun questions like: How early do you tell a prospective date whether you lean red or blue? When do you talk about your stances on issues like abortion or gender equality? It’s hard enough to find someone you click with. Then add election-year tensions into the mix, and things get even more complicated.Today: Our host Anna Martin speaks with Astead Herndon, host of the weekly politics podcast “The Run-Up" about the not-so-distant worlds of politics and dating.

Dave Finch reads his Modern Love essay, “On the Path to Empathy, Some Forks in the Road."To hear our conversation with Dave, listen to the episode: “Un-Marry Me!”

We’re kicking off our new season this Valentine’s Day with a story from a Modern Love veteran.David Finch has written three Modern Love essays about how hard he has worked to be a good husband to his beloved wife, Kristen. As a man with autism who married a neurotypical woman, he found it especially challenging to navigate being a partner and father. To make things easier, Dave kept a running list of “best practices” to cover every situation that might come up in daily life. His method worked so well that he became a best-selling author and speaker on the topic.But almost 11 years into their marriage Kristen suddenly told him she wanted to be "unmarried." Dave felt blindsided. He didn’t know what that meant, or if he could do it. But Dave wasn’t going to lose Kristen, so he had to give it a try.Valentine’s Day Bonus: How does politics affect your love life? Hear Anna Martin discuss this tomorrow on “The Run-Up,” a weekly politics show from The New York Times. You can search for “The Run-Up” wherever you get y

Zoe Fishman couldn’t stop thinking about the man she called her “subway crush.” For years, she saw Ronen on the train and admired him from afar.When they finally connected, it turned out Ronen felt the same, and they began a blissful life together. But when their story took a devastating turn, Zoe had to grapple with longing for Ronen at a distance again.For the final episode of our season, we hear about the joy and loss that showed up in Zoe’s life, and the remarkable way she learned to live with both of them.Zoe Fishman is the author of several novels, most recently “The Fun Widow’s Book Tour.” 

Zoe Fishman reads her Modern Love essay, “The Subway Crush Who Crushed Me."To hear our conversation with Zoe, listen to the episode: “I Married My Subway Crush.”Zoe Fishman is the author of several novels, most recently “The Fun Widow’s Book Tour.” 

Sonja Falck reads her Modern Love essay, “Our 34-Year Age Gap Was Showing."To hear our conversation with Sonja, listen to the episode: “Our 34-Year Age Gap Didn’t Matter, Until It Did.”

Sonja Falck was immediately attracted to Colin, the professor who was renting her a room. He was intellectual and lively, with bright eyes that drew her in. It was only after they were already dating that Sonja found out Colin’s age: He was 34 years older than her.Their age gap didn’t give them pause. Sonja and Colin got married, had kids and built a fulfilling life together. But when Colin reached his 80s, and Sonja was in her mid-40s, Sonja realized she was craving a level of physical intimacy that Colin could no longer provide.So Sonja and Colin had to make a decision: Could they transform their relationship into something that gave both partners what they wanted? Or had their age gap finally caught up to them?

Eric Darnell Pritchard reads their Modern Love essay, “Two Boys on Bicycles, Falling in Love."To hear our conversation with Eric, listen to the episode: “Two Boys on Bicycles, Falling in Love.”

Eleven-year-old Eric Darnell Pritchard was a solitary kid. They preferred reading romance novels to playing sports, and watching soap operas to hanging out with the neighborhood kids. Although they were obsessed with love, they felt too different to find a romantic connection of their own.Then, a cute boy moved in across the street. To Eric’s surprise, they both “like liked” each other. But when Eric told the wrong person about their new boyfriend, things quickly spun out of control.

Jessica Slice reads her Modern Love essay, “He Cared About Me, So I Broke Up With Him."To hear our conversation with Jessica, listen to the episode: “He Cared About Me, So I Broke Up With Him.”

When Jessica Slice started dating a man named David, there was a lot to like about him. They could nerd out about books and board games, he was thoughtful and kind. But Jessica had a problem. The more caring David was, the more she recoiled. "He’s the greatest!" She texted her sister. "But I doubt I’ll go out with him again." This wasn’t the first time she'd felt like fleeing from affection, but something about David made Jessica hesitate. Was she finally ready for a new kind of love?

Rick Reiss was scared for his teenage son, Gabriel. Gabe was struggling with depression and mood swings, and no amount of therapy or medication seemed to work.But when Gabe became violent, Rick wasn’t just scared for his son; he was scared of his son. Rick and his wife felt as if they had to do something drastic. So they made the decision to send Gabe to a wilderness therapy program.Nearly 18 years later, father and son talk about the decision that changed both of their lives and how their relationship has grown now that Gabe is an adult.

Christi Clancy reads her Modern Love essay, “Revenge of the Friend."To hear our conversation with Christi, listen to the episode: “My Sweaty Revenge.”

Christi Clancy had been avoiding her best friend’s ex-husband. He’d unexpectedly left her friend for another woman. After supporting her friend through the pain and heartbreak, Christi couldn’t help but resent the ex-husband for all the damage he’d done.So when the man walked into Christi’s spin class, she saw an opportunity to exact revenge in the best way she knew how: on a spin bike.

Heather Sellers wrote her Modern Love essay in 2013, about reconnecting with her elderly, estranged father. Although their relationship was painful, Heather made sure that her last words to her father were “I love you.” And at the time, that felt like closure.Now, 10 years later, Heather tells our host, Anna Martin, that she would write a completely different essay today. She sees her father, and herself, in a new light — and realizes that “forgiveness” isn’t as simple a concept as she once believed.

Deanna Fei reads her Modern Love essay, “To Keep but Not Be Kept."To hear our conversation with Deanna, listen to the episode: “What Does It Mean to Be a Kept Woman?”

Deanna Fei did not need a man. She was in her 20s, living in Shanghai on a Fulbright scholarship, writing her first novel: a book about fiercely independent Chinese women, very much like Deanna herself.Growing up as a first-generation Chinese American, Deanna resented the way some men, specifically white men, looked down on her. She refused to be anyone’s fetish. By the time she arrived in Shanghai, she had sworn off dating white men all together.But then, Deanna met a man: an older, successful white man, who offered to provide for her as she pursued her dreams. Was Deanna betraying herself, once she started falling in love with him?

Susan Gelles reads her Modern Love essay, “Single, and Surrounded by a Wall of Men."To hear our conversation with Susan, listen to the episode: “Don't Hide in the Bathroom Stall.”