Your Mom's House With Christina P. And Tom Segura

H2O and H2NO if you ask Tommy, the self-proclaimed "water champ." But Tina, she has other ideas up her sleeve, including a very sneaky plan that she reveals in this episode.  PLUS, pig-calling, mastering accents, more fat Bert fun and then some, Ya feel us?  To bring it home we have yet another Hall of Fame call from Top Dog and this time he weighs in on Double Pipe Classics.  You can never have too much denim.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If there's one thing about black women that are about to throw down in public, it's LET THEM SPEAK. Something really great and probably funny that you never could have thought of is gonna fly.  We have a new message to the Fuhrer from Dani and this one involves food and emergency services at Sea! How fat is Bert? Very. How aware is Bert that he is fat? We happen to think not enough. Look deep inside yourself and try to find a fun, effective way to let Bert know that he is fat and find out WHY he's that fat.  We have Persian translations, IRISH AKA English translations, Would You Rather's and a WHOLE lot more!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you puke on TV but then keep doing your TV job, you are what we call a PROFESSIONAL. Shout out to SWEDEN! Do you like rats? Do you have kids? Are you super lonely? Here's a tip: ditch the rats, keep the kids and someone worthwhile will come in to your life. It's just that rat "thing" that's keeping people away.  Our Super Jew producer brought us a video about how to spot a Jew. But, like we said, he's a Jew. We don't know what he's up to but it feels really Jewey.  The Master Of Accents is BACK! Will he finally be defeated by an inimitable cadence?  Plus FAN MAIL, PATREON, and TINA JEANS is hitting the road again. Get those JEANS ON!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

PATREON, I told you to put that down! Also, sign up for Patreon, ya'll! You'll get extra bonus content, inside denim access, personal shout outs and more!   WOW! say it again! WOW! Open your mouth so the whole dog can fit in the bathtub! Today we discover which gender we are (it's really changing at every moment). Plus Bert Is Fat and Why Is Bert So Fat really took off! We have all the fat comments.  Dental Updates, dating inflatable animals, Joey Diaz being a SAVAGE and more! NO LOOSE DENIM ALLOW Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Morning news is the best. It opens the doors to grown up jokes about "Salad Tossing" (with real salads!) PLUS DJ Dad Mouth gets to muck around and have some fun! If you're gonna talk that ISH before you arm-wrestle, make sure you, you know, WIN.  Unbelievably, the girl who was defending Hitler on YouTube was kicked off for HATE speech. Weird that YouTube doesn't know that Hitler watches YouTube all day.  This episode is completely non-binary so please use proper pronouns. It's not a preference, it's a REQUIREMENT.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Did Bunz touch the sacred spot with Tina only mere feet away? JEANS. Which Braxton are you today? Is it the one that's DATING Birdman? WUUUUUT. Tom's awesome jacket is way cooler than Tina's art teacher jacket. Have you seen it? No, seriously, have you? The master of accents becomes even more masterful in this one. PLUS, was Hitler THAT bad?  Would You Rather's, Fan Mail, Seagal, Butt hair and MORE! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You see thing about pimpin, man. You want a happy ho. Happy ho's eat, sad ho's don't. If you want to keep your stable out there and earnin then keep your ho's happy.  This is the only podcast that provides cool insight like that. Also, Top Dog did it again. Yup, you guessed it, his face meat hit the numbers on the phone when we spoke to him. Oh yeah, he sharted too. Great story. All that and more. Just get your jeans on.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whoa those are some awfully BIG WORDS you said there. This week we have some incredible mentions of the BIGGEST of big words. Someone even said it to the Prez! Plus a foreign accent that seems DOUBTFUL and a DENTAL UPDATE that will have you brushing extra hard tonight.  Seems like Mozart was a mommy, 20,000 years ago when he was alive and that's just somethin you gotta Respek.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't mess with Lincolnton, man! That's what Uncle Joey says. A lot of you say LinkedIn, but you know, La Craw, La Croix, feel me?  When you listen to our show remember to RESPEK our name. Otherwise we'll be FINISHED and DONE with you.  The mommy's really do their thang in this one and even talk to Tommy's Mommy about his new, important revelation. He's not only Poly and Bi...listen to find out what ELSE he, er, they is now.  JEANS FOREVER. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Tommy and Tina went on a pegging adventure. Please take a look. Also, note that pegging doesn't involve another dude (BERT). You want to hear/see something gross? You KNOW we've got you covered. There's a young dude who likes grandma's GROSSSSS.  Plus there's a girl who is in to tasting the uh, splooge, of dudes from different ethnicities. GROSSSSSSER. Tina tries to trick Tom into playing incriminating clips of verbal "slip ups." Will it backfire on Tina? Probably.  And a NEW Gnawm Sayin King is proud to take his throne. Smell us? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We know the show is popular but even Rachel Maddow listens! Wow, and of course, Hey Hitler back at ya! It's been a while so we gave Top Dog a call and this one not only did not disappoint - it was epic. Like Wipe Down Epic.  This ep is loaded: Crazie Locs listens to a fan song, a NEW abusive pimp, La Croix responds, NEW vocal fry, and a bunch of Would You Rather's.  This ep is the Jeans' Jeans.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, F**K Boys! We are ready for you to do battle. On guard! T Bunz went on local TV in Cleveland and called out Crazie Locs. We thought that would have been the biggest news of this episode, but it isn't because - BRACE YOURSELF - CRAZIE LOCS finally speaks directly to us.  Did that last sentence process? If it didn't read it again.  Also, you know what I'm saying, you feel me, understand? And now SMELL ME? All in one clip from one person and he's the only one speaking. Amazing.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We'd like to dedicate this episode to all those days when you're feeling a little down, a little alone, a little like a d-bag that would dedicate an episode to someone.  We got that Crazie Locs jam you know you want cause this time someone ELSE made it better.  La Croix is French. Unless you are Tina jeans then you're all, "it's LA CROY."  Plus we listen to what Tommy thought was Hungarian and ended up just being abusive! This is the kind of episode that'll have you wondering aloud, Where's The C*m? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There's something about those jeans of yours. They're so...high and so...tight. They're PERFECT. We bring the ultimate dad laugh to the table on this one. It rivals Top Dogs famous dad laugh, no seriously, it does.  Plus we have Locs doin his thang and stuff like that and Tommy doin his thang back and stuff like that. Shout out to everyone all over the world.  Do you know Bryan Silva? You will now. Maybe you can help FREE him. And then, you know what I'm sayin, we count some new you know what I'm sayins. We learn about an evil sushi operation in NorCal and SO MUCH MORE. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Jeans up over your head! This one will have you screaming MOMMY! WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME?!?! Tommy put it out there in a MAJOR challenge to Crazie Locs last week. This week we await Locs' response while diving into some of his other uh, interests. Brace yourself - it's terrifying.  Also, do you eat the booty? Where do you eat it? How often? Plus we think we have an alternate choice to Donald Trump. This is a guy with a lot to say and the only candidate with a Zombie plan.  Do you want a pony? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bruh! That was a deep fart. Cool that you got your little bro in on it.  We got videos! If you're listening that's only half the battle. How often and how well do we make fun of those who are "LESS THAN"? Hopefully a lot. And this episode has no shortage. We have a CRAZIE LOC who Tommy challenges to a fight! Will he accept? Plus we have that intel you've been looking for on KIM AHN. It's so full of adventure and is truly AMAZE.  Seagal has a new turd, er, trailer, and it's mind-numbing how bad it is. Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sup, Whitefolks! It's diss pimpin', feel me? Tommy's Uncle breaks down the pimpin game for us with all kinds of NOT caucasian flavor! PLUS - a poop soup success story! Should dudes wipe after Yellow?!?! We have a wipegate breakthrough. Where will you stand after this episode! Plus we are back with some AMAZE Kim Ahn audio and it's very NSFW - Glorious. If THAT doesn't turn you on, we also have a man that wants to f**k a rollercoaster. AND a NEW Would Your Rather that is sure to set a new (low) standard!   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You know what I'm sayin? Ya feel me? Gnaw Mean?  Are these different expressions or the same thing? We DEBATE and there might be a new KING, Do you know what we're saying? Plus Hitler might be real. As in, the real Fuhrer. Plus Dani goes blue, er, brown on this one and we have a new awesome song to accompany her.  This is mighty fine cut of denim. Put it on.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't get it twisted, we might look, you know, DIFFERENT, but we are still hood as S**T and we will F**K yo ass up! Nah, we be playin, jeans. But some people are NOT playing and thankfully they record their messages for us.  Plus the mystery has been SOLVED. There's no more guessing when it comes to Hey, Hitler or Happy Birthday to, er, Nicholas. We have the indisputable results. They are disturbing, which is our favorite.  Plus Tommy is ambushed by a SURPRISE psychological review of his artwork. Is he well?  Never play games with Ghostface Killah or his goons. This audio should prove that to you.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Watch your mouth sweetheart! Unless you're 12 years old. Then go ahead and drop a C-Bomb! The only thing better than an old person cursing is an unassuming child.  Is Hey, Hitler picking up steam or slowing down? Unfortunately for the weak-hearted, it's becoming a movement! Plus the OG of HH has a birthday song she wants to share. Who does she sing it too? Let's have Christina break that one down! Pastor Manning might have the doors of his beloved Hate-filled church close down. Does he have a parting message? Yes. Is it other-level insane? You betcha! Dental updates, new songs and more!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices