Movie Mastery

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/movie-mastery-mommie-dearest-1981.mp3 An old friend drops by the show to help us review a movie she made us watch in the first place.  Claire joins us for Mommie Dearest, a bizarre, slowly-paced melodrama from the early 80s that’s really more useful as fashion guide and Futurama joke fodder than anything else.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/movie-mastery-soul-man-1986.mp3 This movie was harder to find that the Holiday Special, and what we can learn from that is that someone needs to work harder at hiding this, because it’s horrible, and needs to be kept away from people, and the light of day.  This is the story of a douchebag who thinks that blackface is perfectly acceptable if it means he doesn’t have to get a job, and the various people in his life who reward him for this.  Enjoy.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-santa-with-muscles-1996.mp3 Oh boy, it’s Hulk Hogan!  According to that poster, we know he goes sleeveless, doesn’t like buttoning up, and gives some very harmless looking dudes the business.  I mean, look at those dudes.  That guy on the left is only guilty of the 90s crime of dressing in tucked in layers.  This is the final film in our 2015 Holidayathon extravaganza, so next episode is back to free for all rules!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-star-wars-holiday-special.mp3 So this thing is internet famous as a bizarre travesty against Star Wars right?  Kind of like a Jar-Jar 1978.  What the internet won’t normally tell you about the holiday special is that it is crushingly, painfully boring.  Dicking around a cellphone isn’t enough to survive this thing in one viewing, you’re going to need a tablet, a second TV playing something better, carolers outside your window and every caroler is Gilbert Gottfried… something along those lines.  Anyway, we watched it!  FOR YOU!  Now you don’t have to!  Special thanks to horrible friend of the show Double Vekh for this idea.  

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-christmas-with-the-kranks.mp3 There are three Movie Mastery episodes this December, and you can be sure that every single one of them will be a holiday themed film.  There’s no genre of film that Jef hates more, so these should be great.  Kicking it off, here’s Christmas with the Kranks, the movie guaranteed to make you hate white people, rich people, people in general, things, the concept of Christmas, and existence itself. Got an idea for a horrible holiday movie?  The bar may be set pretty high, but don’t let that stop you from sending in your recommendations!  There’s still two movies to go this December, you can beat those odds!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/movie-mastery-sinbad-of-the-seven-seas.mp3 Hot off his recent triumphant return to the role of the Incredible Hulk (in a movie where he fights Thor, you should go check it out), Lou Ferrigno hits the silver screen with his starring role in what is DEFINITELY a Cannon Films production, Sinbad of the Seven Seas.  Thrill as he flexes his way out of all sorts of stupid shenanigans!  Marvel at the neverending narration!

  https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/movie-mastery-mechanical-violator-hakaider.mp3 Never let it be said we won’t watch some insane random thing out of some vestigial sense of self preservation.  Here, we sit down together to watch a tokusatsu film, which probably doesn’t directly translate to “All Power Rangers-y” but might as well.  Mechanical Violator Hakaider is a stoic, boring Judge Robocopinator of a weird future, and boy oh boy, is he ever bulletproof.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/horrortoberfest-day-22-woman-in-black-2-2014.mp3 Ooh what a scary poster of a moment that doesn’t occur in the film at all!  In this picture a bunch of british WW2 orphans are shipped off to the dumbest possible location for an orphanage, and then ghost stuff starts happening.  Probably.  The film could really use a flashlight, or a full moon, anything that emits light.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/horrotoberfest-day-15-the-house-at-the-end-of-time-2013.mp3 This week we review a Venezuelan horror film from the depths of Netflix. This seems like it is going to be a standard, paint-by-numbers haunted house flick but there is a twist. The twist is that we finally got a horror movie that Jef doesn’t hate.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/horrortoberfest-day-8-the-mirror.mp3 It’s a movie about an evil mirror but not the ones that might have popped into your head. This movie takes the bold new stance that would should really happen in a horror movie is nothing. The most evil thing this mirror did was cause this movie to be made.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/movie-mastery-yor-the-hunter-from-the-future.mp3 Yes!  A Reb Brown movie!  We were waiting patiently for our chance to sit down with the legendary Roll Fizzlebeef, and here it is!  This week we discuss Yor the Hunter from the Future, which can best be described as, and I’m reaching with this metaphor a little, a bullshit film that sucks.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/movie-mastery-big-money-rustlas.mp3 Twenty years from now college professors will use this episode as a teachable moment.  It’d be nice if it was about how to properly review films, but actually it’ll just be on what ongoing Stockholm Syndrome sounds like.  We watch two clown rappers shoot guns and spout catchphrases, and then come back to tell you that it’s actually amazing.  Really.  For real.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/movie-mastery-wing-commander.mp3 Wing Commander is a film we watched.  It was filmed in Luxembourg.  Luxembourg is the last remaining Grand Duchy in the world, and is the country where popular internet communication company Skype makes its home.  They speak Luxembourgish there.  Wing Commander stars Freddie Prinze Jr., Saffron Burrows, and Matthew Lillard.  Other famous Freds and Matthews include Flintstone and Modine.  The other famous Saffron is an expensive flower farmed in Spain.  We hope you enjoyed our report on Wing Commander.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/movie-mastery-dd-wrath-of-the-dragon-god.mp3 It’s our second anniversary and we’re making it D&D Sequel Week, so here’s a horrible D&D sequel, Wrath of the Dragon God.  Have you ever wondered what would happen if you actually wrote a movie based around the silly rules and abstractions of tabletop games, without worrying so much about story structure?  Spoiler alert, it’d be terrible!  Enjoy!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/movie-mastery-the-day-after.mp3 Are you sufficiently frightened of nuclear attack?  This TV movie dares ask the question “How will global thermonuclear war affect a young Steve Guttenberg?”  Now fill your family condom with popcorn and sit a spell so Jason Robards can spin you a yarn of cold war terror!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/movie-mastery-ralph-bakshis-wizards.mp3 Is this really a movie about a fat little wizard and his nearly-nude fairy companion trying to defeat a Nazi wizard leading an army of mutants against an army of elves, set 10 million years from now?  It is.  Does all that craziness add up to anything good?  It does not.  Let’s talk about Ralph Bakshi’s Wizards!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/movie-mastery-zardoz.mp3 While our initial plan for Mommie Dearest fell through this week, we press on undaunted, reroll the Movie Mastery Dice (currently a D17) and land on Zardoz, the movie where Sean Connery’s junk is the future!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/movie-mastery-master-of-disguise.mp3 It’s that Dana Carvey vehicle!  Here, I’ll sum up exactly how you remember it:  “Turtle, turtle.”  Boy, don’t you want to know exactly what sort of package that famous catchphrase comes wrapped up in?  This week, we settle in to review Master of Disguise, and it’s nothing like we expected, except for that we did expect it to be bad. Next week, we’ll finally have the guest host like we’ve been planning!  Keep the suggestions rolling in, we have a ton but random selecting dice are easy to come by!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/movie-mastery-dead-heat.mp3 Treat Williams.  Joe Piscopo.  Vincent Price briefly. The dad from A Christmas Story.  Some 80s ladies.  All that and more crowd the screen searching for glory in the 1988 …hit?  No… offering!  There we go.  The 1988 offering Dead Heat.  We’re trying out our new format for Movie Mastery, and here’s the basics: 1.  We get recommendations from the listeners. 2.  We add those recommendations to a big list. 3.  We select one at random using whatever random method is available. 4.  We watch the trailer, then settle in to discuss what we expect from a film like this. 5.  We watch that film, and gauge our expecations. 6.  We reconvene on the mic to discuss the end results. Got a film recommendation?  Send it to Systemmastery@gmail.com or tweet it to us at System Mastery.  Bonus points if it’s easy to find, out of theatres, crazy, and cheap!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/06/movie-mastery-left-behind-20141.mp3 What, it was a lazy Thursday afternoon!  System Mastery has already reviewed a few other movies.  Dungeons and Dragons, a weird Carrie sequel, whatever the heck Frankenqueen was, and so on.  It’s fun stuff for fun people.  This time we flopped down in front of Netflix and took in Left Behind, the rapture movie that’s afraid to say Rapture. Hey, does anyone actually like these movie reviews when we do them?  If they’re something folks enjoy, we’ll do more and swap them over to a different feed so that we aren’t crowding up our regular feed.  Maybe even get another viewer in with us so that it’s not quite so samey.  Let us know via the usual channels if we should keep this sort of thing going, and if so, what we should be watching!