Movie Mastery

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/09/movie-mastery-the-punisher-1989.mp3 At the same time that Batman was set to make his dark entrance onto the big screen; Marvel was looking to put up their own brooding man with no super powers. But this movie has an R rating so you know it fucks.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/movie-mastery-nick-fury-1998.mp3 Before Samuel L. Jackson came along and made the character into the badass we know today; David Hasselhoff made the character into a weird Boomer Dad fantasy featuring some truly atrocious acting and directing choices.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/movie-mastery-hulk-2003.mp3 Before Ruffalo. Before Norton. After Ferrigno. There was Bana. In the role he was hired to play: A very boring scientist that turns into Shrek and fights his dad who is also a cloud now.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/07/movie-mastery-existenz.mp3 Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Total Recall and The Matrix got all Cronenberged up? Here it is but it’s kind of strange you were wondering that at all.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/07/movie-mastery-america-3000.mp3 Neggy more must you wait for us to scan this hot plastic movie. It’s a new tomorrow and we are here to guide all you plugots and frals to a new comb. Words!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/06/movie-mastery-monsturd.mp3 I’ll spare you a description riddled with poop jokes since that’s pretty much all going to happen in the podcast. It’s a low budget horror movie about a poop monster, there’s not a lot else to say. For bonus TV Mastery content, head over to https://www.patreon.com/posts/38619168

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/06/movie-mastery-knights-of-badassdom.mp3   You might think that a movie like this is going to cater to our specific interests. The truth is that it is mostly laughing at nerds instead of with nerds. And that’s our job, so back off. Also be sure to check out our new bonus content over at our Patreon page here

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/movie-mastery-bmx-bandits.mp3   It’s the 80’s in Australia and there is nothing cooler than riding BMX bikes, stealing shit you find that is obviously someone else’s, and having the worst imaginable hair.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/movie-mastery-clockstoppers-2002.mp3 Go back in time with us and see the pure distillation of early 2000’s culture into a single movie. This one checks all the boxes of what a movie aimed at kids would have and also gets to drag around poor French Stewart.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/movie-mastery-cool-as-ice-1991-1.mp3 Like most other movies starring a celebrity that isn’t an actor, this is mostly just a vanity project that has no redeeming aspects. Plus, as a romantic(?) comedy(?), the main character gets to be a super creepy asshole and the love interest thinks it’s endearing.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/movie-mastery-descendants-2015.mp3 Over a year ago I was at a Baskin-Robbins with Jef when I saw a cake theme in their book of birthday cake options that was apparently themed around Disney villain children going to high school together. This confounded me and now I can say that seeing it is no less baffling.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/movie-mastery-bee-movie-for-reals.mp3 Barry B. Benson is no ordinary bee.  He’s a shitty bee you immediately hate.  Let’s follow along with his entitled crusade to become a lawyer and sue for all the honey he never worked for anyway, and sort of kind of falls in love with a human?  Also was this movie just made to throw a few paychecks to NBC alumni?

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/03/movie-mastery-bee-movie-2007.mp3 Barry B. Benson is no ordinary bee.  He’s a shitty bee you immediately hate.  Let’s follow along with his entitled crusade to become a lawyer and sue for all the honey he never worked for anyway, and sort of kind of falls in love with a human?  Also every time we say “Bee” the review starts going faster.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/03/movie-mastery-captain-america-1979.mp3 Since we were supposed to go see a superhero movie in the theaters this week but couldn’t because of global pandemic, we decided to finally sit down and watch Reb Brown in all his glory as Captain America.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/03/movie-mastery-shock-treatment.mp3 The black hole of shitty musicals has yet to release us from its gravity well and has instead dragged special guest Claire down into the muck with us. This is the sequel(?) to Rocky Horror kind of and also just bad. Enjoy!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/02/movie-mastery-sonic-the-hedgehog.mp3 After a much-hated initial design, Sonic is back with a less horror inducing look and a strange obsession with preaching the inherent superiority of “small town ideals”. Also, I guess he has lightning powers now so there’s that.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/02/movie-mastery-repo-the-genetic-opera.mp3 It’s the musical movie with a cult following that I can only assume likes it ironically. I literally cannot fathom why anyone would choose to watch this more than once.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/01/movie-mastery-cats.mp3 You did it. You made us go see Cats. I hope you’re proud of yourselves. Now reality has lost all meaning and Jon can’t seem to stop introducing himself as Jauntypine the Podcast Cat.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/01/movie-mastery-winters-tale.mp3 What if stars are miracles left by people when they die and we wish on the love of those who have gone before with heaven’s wishing love miracle? What if every person has a miracle inside them but also is a miracle in and of themselves? What if a horse was actually a dog?

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/12/movie-mastery-fred-claus.mp3 Jef has been allowed to take over the movie decisions for the month and has decided it’s “A Very Vince Vaughn Christmas”. First up we find out out Santa’s deadbeat brother and also there are just so many questions about the world building in this.