Movie Mastery

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/11/movie-mastery-doctor-sleep.mp3 In a surprising twist, this sequel to a novel/movie that is 30 years old isn’t just some random garbage thrown together for a cash grab. But is it good? You’ll just have to listen to find out. Or watch it yourself. Or I guess read some other review.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/11/movie-mastery-future-cops.mp3 When the past needs saving, you call the Future Cops! They’re…well, they’re just Street Fighter guys with a flair for the slapstick. This still might be a better Street Fighter movie than the one we actually got, though.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/10/movie-mastery-countdown.mp3 October comes to a close and so too must Horrortoberfest but first one final treat from these tricksters. We said we weren’t doing an In Theaters episode this month but we totally are! Enjoy a movie that definitely isn’t quite as bad as the premise might lead you to believe.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/10/movie-mastery-return-to-horror-hotel.mp3 This horror anthology runs the gamut of topics from the subversive quality of platonic male touch to the charming and lovely nature of middle America that we all still seem to look down on. No, wait, sorry. That’s just the bits we’re doing. The movie is about finding out how low budget you can make short movies.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/10/movie-mastery-await-further-instructions.mp3 Have you ever thought, “You know what? Maybe technology isn’t great and we rely on it too much”? Well then you should watch Black Mirror. Have you already watched all of Black Mirror? I guess you could probably watch this then.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/09/movie-mastery-it-chapter-2.mp3 The end of the clown saga is here. With a fairly bloated run time of just under 3 hours; can Chapter 2 capture the magic from the first one? Or will the story of a bunch of 40 year olds remembering when they got scared as kids not hold up as well?

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/09/movie-mastery-mom-and-dad-save-the-world.mp3 Imagine if someone with no sense of humor decided they wanted to make a movie like Spaceballs. Now imagine they decided to make it a Jeffrey Jones vehicle. Now imagine you had to watch it for a podcast. Ok, now imagine an elephant with six legs. Imagination is fun!

  https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/08/movie-mastery-dora-the-explorer.mp3 In this children’s TV show turned teen adventure movie, the entire thing seems to have been dipped in a layer of magical realism where talking monkeys are simply nonsensical but talking, bipedal foxes in masks are hardly noteworthy.  

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/08/movie-mastery-twin-peaks-fire-walk-with-me.mp3 Content Warning: David Lynch kinda went all in on the rape stuff in this movie. It’s just one more bit of awful in the sea of garbage that is this awful, boring movie.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/07/movie-mastery-crawl.mp3 A movie about alligators attacking during a hurricane is actually getting some pretty decent critical reviews. But can a well crafted horror movie penetrate Jef’s tough, scaly hatred for the genre?

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/07/movie-mastery-scorpion-king-5-book-of-souls.mp3 Technically we randomly rolled The Scorpion King as our movie this week. However, after seeing that a Scorpion King 5 existed; we simply needed to know what was going on with this franchise.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/movie-mastery-dark-phoenix.mp3 It’s time to review the final installment in the X-Men franchise under Fox. Is it going to be more of the same and end on a real wet fart of a movie? Golly, that would be sad! Let’s hope not!

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/movie-mastery-the-crow.mp3 Were you a little gothy kid in the 90s? Then you don’t need us to tell you about this movie. Or, actually, you probably do because this one gets some serious goth tinted glasses.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/05/movie-mastery-detective-pikachu.mp3 We went to go see Detective Pikachu after I messed up and only put 3 options on the available poll for the month. Oh well, now you can learn all about how we don’t know anything about Pokemon and how Jef continues to find theaters with the worst people in them.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/05/movie-mastery-gravy.mp3 Three cannibals take a small restaurant hostage for their annual Halloween feast. But don’t worry, it’s light hearted and jokey. But don’t worry, it’s also incredibly gory. But don’t worry, none of it works and the whole thing sucks.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/05/movie-mastery-avengers-endgame.mp3 It’s an extra long episode about an extra long movie. Over 20 movies in the making and now two idiots from the internet get to nitpick minor quibbles.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/04/movie-mastery-spice-world.mp3 It’s time to dive into the spicy world of girl power and see if somehow a movie based on and starring a band can in any way be good. Almost certainly not but we are obligated to watch it none the less.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/04/movie-mastery-the-item.mp3 Any time you find a movie that is written, directed by, and starring the same person you know it is either going to be a true masterpiece or a pile of self-indulgent garbage. Given the fact that you’ve probably never heard of this and the plot revolves around a dick-worm puppet; I’ll let you decide which.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/03/movie-mastery-captain-marvel.mp3 It’s time to go back to the mid 90’s which means it’s right in our wheelhouse. Is this the feminist icon we’ve all been waiting for or have the SJWs ruined everything by allowing movies to have speaking roles for women in them? I feel dirty even having typed that.

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/03/movie-mastery-hard-ticket-to-hawaii.mp3 Some sort of agents of some sort of agency run around Hawaii shooting weird thugs and taking their tops off.  Come for Jef’s ebullient love of good old fashioned boob movies, stay for the rocket launcher.