Being Jim Davis

Suspicious princes often promote the last of mankind, from a vain persuasion, that those who have no dependence, except on their favor, will have no attachment, except to the person of their benefactor. Cleander, the successor of Perennis, was a Phrygian by birth; of a nation over whose stubborn, but servile temper, blows only could prevail. He had been sent from his native country to Rome, in the capacity of a slave. As a slave he entered the Imperial palace, rendered himself useful to his master's passions, and rapidly ascended to the most exalted station which a subject could enjoy. His influence over the mind of Commodus was much greater than that of his predecessor; for Cleander was devoid of any ability or virtue which could inspire the emperor with envy or distrust. Avarice was the reigning passion of his soul, and the great principle of his administration. The rank of Consul, of Patrician, of Senator, was exposed to public sale; and it would have been considered as disaffection, if any one had re

The tyrant's rage, after having shed the noblest blood of the senate, at length recoiled on the principal instrument of his cruelty. Whilst Commodus was immersed in blood and luxury, he devolved the detail of the public business on Perennis, a servile and ambitious minister, who had obtained his post by the murder of his predecessor, but who possessed a considerable share of vigor and ability. By acts of extortion, and the forfeited estates of the nobles sacrificed to his avarice, he had accumulated an immense treasure. The Praetorian guards were under his immediate command; and his son, who already discovered a military genius, was at the head of the Illyrian legions. Perennis aspired to the empire; or what, in the eyes of Commodus, amounted to the same crime, he was capable of aspiring to it, had he not been prevented, surprised, and put to death. The fall of a minister is a very trifling incident in the general history of the empire; but it was hastened by an extraordinary circumstance, which proved how mu

But the words of the assassin sunk deep into the mind of Commodus, and left an indelible impression of fear and hatred against the whole body of the senate. Those whom he had dreaded as importunate ministers, he now suspected as secret enemies. The Delators, a race of men discouraged, and almost extinguished, under the former reigns, again became formidable, as soon as they discovered that the emperor was desirous of finding disaffection and treason in the senate. That assembly, whom Marcus had ever considered as the great council of the nation, was composed of the most distinguished of the Romans; and distinction of every kind soon became criminal. The possession of wealth stimulated the diligence of the informers; rigid virtue implied a tacit censure of the irregularities of Commodus; important services implied a dangerous superiority of merit; and the friendship of the father always insured the aversion of the son. Suspicion was equivalent to proof; trial to condemnation. The execution of a considerab

Upon the death of his father, Commodus found himself embarrassed with the command of a great army, and the conduct of a difficult war against the Quadi and Marcomanni. The servile and profligate youths whom Marcus had banished, soon regained their station and influence about the new emperor. They exaggerated the hardships and dangers of a campaign in the wild countries beyond the Danube; and they assured the indolent prince that the terror of his name, and the arms of his lieutenants, would be sufficient to complete the conquest of the dismayed barbarians, or to impose such conditions as were more advantageous than any conquest. By a dexterous application to his sensual appetites, they compared the tranquillity, the splendor, the refined pleasures of Rome, with the tumult of a Pannonian camp, which afforded neither leisure nor materials for luxury. Commodus listened to the pleasing advice; but whilst he hesitated between his own inclination and the awe which he still retained for his father's counse

Most of the crimes which disturb the internal peace of society, are produced by the restraints which the necessary but unequal laws of property have imposed on the appetites of mankind, by confining to a few the possession of those objects that are coveted by many. Of all our passions and appetites, the love of power is of the most imperious and unsociable nature, since the pride of one man requires the submission of the multitude. In the tumult of civil discord, the laws of society lose their force, and their place is seldom supplied by those of humanity. The ardor of contention, the pride of victory, the despair of success, the memory of past injuries, and the fear of future dangers, all contribute to inflame the mind, and to silence the voice of pity. From such motives almost every page of history has been stained with civil blood; but these motives will not account for the unprovoked cruelties of Commodus, who had nothing to wish and every thing to enjoy. The beloved son of Marcus succeeded to his father,

Garfield does a thing with a rope. We didn't have much to say about it, but it took us seventeen minutes to do it. We did talk about the periodic table for a while today. I think we referenced a bunch of other songs but not this one. Also, for anyone who wants to know how beryllium is spelled, I'm sorry, but we don't know.Today's stripFacts about carbonTalkOrigins.org

  Hey, Squarespace has charts now! No, seriously, this is a pie chart It's been brought to our attention that we have inadvertently recorded an episode of a daily Garfield recap podcast today. We're sorry about that.Today's strip

    Jon says a thing about how he wants Garfield to not do a thing, Garfield does the thing, and then says a thing about the thing that he did. Then three weirdos talk about the thing while another thing is recording the things they said about the thing, and put it online so you can hear everything they had to say. Welcome to fucking 2017, baby!Today's strip

If our podcast were the original arcade Pac Man, with each episode representing a single level, today's episode would have glitched out due to a buffer overflow, manifesting in the right channel of the podcast turning into indecipherable gibberish and causing the the episode, and thus any potential future episodes to be unplayable. Sadly, this didn't happen and you're going to half to keep tuning in to this podcast for the foreseeable future. We apologize for the inconvenience."Last Train to Compton (Final Version)" from the album Who's the Beef? - Rejected Materials, Vol. 2 by The Flowers of Disgust, appears courtesy of The Flowers of Disgust and Cat O' Nine Tails Records, or at all.Akira Kurosawa's RashomonPac Man's kill screenToday's strip

Well, what do you know:4. They weren't always "four calling birds."The “four calling birds” that we sing about today were, at different times, “four canary birds” and “four mockingbirds,” and before that they show up as “colly birds” or “collie birds,” which is the archaic term for blackbirds. There were however, for some reason, always four of them.-some internet listicle or otherSpecial thanks to this week's guest host! I've forgotten his actual last name, so let's just say it's Daniel Dennett, ok?Today's strip

    Did we forget to analogize the conflict between Jon and Garfield in today's strip to the collision between the modern nanny state and piggish libertarianism? Yes, yes we did. But on the plus side, we nevertheless still managed to spend an average of eight solid minutes on each panel of this almost entirely wordless strip. And as an extra benefit to you, our astute listener, this episode has been specifically engineered so that it can be played multiple times, so if you run out of podcast on your morning commute, you can just play it again! And again! And again! Put THAT in your dick and smoke it, assholes!Play the 1990 NES game Solar Jetman in your browserHardcore History miniseries on Genghis KhanToday's strip

Ok, so I dunno if you all knew this already, but the Wikipedia page for the 1955 film Fast and Furious contains, among other resources, THE FILM IN ITS ENTIRETY. Perhaps you did know that already. Anyway, here it is I guess.Maybe that has something to do with today's Garfield strip, and maybe it doesn't. Your guess is as good as ours on this one.Today's strip

Finally, we're done with this garbage!Today's strip

Actually, this one's pretty good:Today's strip

In honor of our 250th ever episode, here's a guy singing along to "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go." And is he singing in tune? No, he most certainly is not!Today's strip

I regret having committed myself -- with so little justification -- to posting different versions of "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" every day this week, but at this point it's just too late to back off.Today's incidental music, "Simon Smith and the Amazing Dancing Bear" from the album Sail Away appears courtesy of Randy Newman and Reprise Records.Today's strip

Here's another cover of "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go":And in case that doesn't seem "relevant" enough to you, here's a photo of former Israeli Foreign Minister Moshe Dayan: Today's strip

Here's another not even barely relevant video:Today's strip

Here's a video that's tangentially related to a Being Jim Davis episode from later in the week:Today's incidental music, "Last Train to Compton (rejected version)" and "Last Train to Compton (another rejected version)," both from the album While You Were Dead - Rejected Materials, Vol. 1 by The Flowers of Disgust, appears courtesy of The Flowers of Disgust and Cat O' Nine Tails Records.Today's strip

Hypothermia is a medical emergency that occurs when your body loses heat faster than it can produce heat, causing a dangerously low body temperature. Normal body temperature is around 98.6 F (37 C). Hypothermia (hi-poe-THUR-me-uh) occurs as your body temperature passes below 95 F (35 C).When your body temperature drops, your heart, nervous system and other organs can't work normally. Left untreated, hypothermia can eventually lead to complete failure of your heart and respiratory system, as well as hilarious physical comedy.Hypothermia is most often caused by prolonged exposure to cold weather or the mind of Jim Davis, or immersion in a cold body of water and/or pulped back-editions of newspapers running Garfield (or, in extreme cases, Gnorm Gnat). Primary treatments for hypothermia are methods to warm the body back to a normal temperature, and get it to stop reading Garfield all the time.I'd like to apologize for saying 'ad hoc' in this episode when I obviously meant 'post hoc'. I apologize for th