Archie And Reg

Archie has uncovered something rather fruity- love letters, apparently written by Reg's Grandfather. But not to Granny Reg. To someone rather more important. And a little bit regal.Once this has been dealt with there is a situation regarding Tom Jones who is due at the Club with his perfoming Hoe's.The main situation being that Motown music is involved which, as we all know, is very common. Archie is less than impressed.Follow the chaps on Twitter- @ArchieAndReg

Archie is delighted. A new royal baby! And more to the point the baby isn't called Reg, is he? No. He's called Archie. Archie! And why's that? Well it's obvious isn't it? Isn't it?In other news the boy is not about at the moment. Is he doing what boys of his age do? Lying in bed, idling away the hours in a disgraceful way. But why does this categorically prove that Reg is a pervert?Twitter- @ArchieAndReg

Sister Cockburn was a very strange character. Stalking the corridors of Archie & Reg's school she became a figure to be feared by everyone. But nobody had quite so much reason to fear her as young Gregory. He had a puppy. Had.Bruce Forsyth is noticeable by his absence at the club. Could the reason be what he got up to in Bosnia some time ago?Elsewhere there is a touch of jealousy in the world. Reg seems to be suggesting that he likes women but only when they're shaved and is rather worried that Archie is deserting him for the tender favours of Nigel Farage!Follow the chaps on Twitter! @ArchieAndReg

There's been a Hoo-hah at that bar. Or has there? Archie is determined to find out.Elsewhere memory takes our titular duo back to their schooldays at Prestwick Hall where Matron would frequently sunbathe in her lady garden. It's also where she kept her pet sheep with whom Reg had a close encounter. Little did he realise that Archie was watching.Did you know that Archie once worked for the BBC? It wasn't that successful. His ideas met with some stiff resistance, especially at a planning meeting at which the subject of cocks was raised.Follow the boys on Twitter - @ArchieAndReg

Somehow Archie has seen an edition of Oprah Winfrey's chat show and he is not at all happy. There is only one possible outcome. She must be stuffed forthwith!Even such an exciting thought as this, however, can not make up for the sad and tragic fact that Nana has passed away. Archie and Reg remember the amusing time she milked the cow, although are unclear as to why it only had one udder.To relieve the sadness the chaps ponder the question "which celebrities would you invite to a dinner party?" If they can get passed the trough of course.Follow the chaps on Twitter @ArchieAndReg

Reg seems to be in a remarkably good mood. What can be the cause of this? To discover the truth, Archie is forced to do something he has never done before. A meeting with "Cheerful Tits" is on the cards.Archie, later, seems to be in a remarkably bad mood. Some might even say he seemed depressed. It's not impossible that a spot of psychotherapy is required.Finally there is some excitement in the air as the delicatessen down the road has begun serving a new delicacy! Who would have dreamt that this would lead to the acknowledgement of the fact that Reg is in fact a bestial pervert?Follow the chaps forthwith on Twitter- @ArchieAndReg

The chaps are up for an award! Why not be a chum, go to www.britishpodcastawards.com/vote , search for Archie And Reg and give them a swift finger on the button?After breaking the fourth wall (as you do) the Gents are disturbed by the presence of Elton John. That's fine, he's a member of the club. However could it be that he is up to no good?Once Elton John has been dispensed Reg is in rather a good mood. Well Archie really can't let that pass, can he?TWITTER: @ArchieAndReg

Poor Archie seems to have gone blind. This is the issue with cocktail sticks.After recovering thoughts turn to Kinky Suzanne who used to service the participants at the yearly Tory Party Conference. Lovely girl. Bit sticky.Furthermore there seems to be an issue as the whether the chaps are manly or not. That chap from the popular 70s sitcom "Are You Being Done?" may have an opinion to offer.Follow the chaps on the Twitter @ArchieAndReg

It appears that there is some kerfuffle about this Brexit malarkey.Quite why they didn't call Archie and Reg in to sort it is beyond us!

Reg seems to think it's acceptable to play a parlour game. "Simon Says?" The question should be what does Archie say? Tricky Mickey was a strange one. Very fond of the common folk.Meanwhile there is an issue over a bottle of wine. This was a present to Reg, but where on Earth is it? And what's more, what does it have to do with Reg's pig faced partner?Follow the Gents on Twitter - @ArchieAndReg

Terrible news! That old chap down the street appears to have been killed! It did take some time and it could be that Archie knows some important information about this.Reg's nefarious past then rears its ugly head as he relives some of the worst excesses from his past. Still, if you're attempting to join the most villainous cult on the face of the Earth you're going to have to dig deep.And then...Brexit. Everybody has an opinion on Brexit. Well not Archie as he has somehow managed to avoid hearing about it. Once Reg has informed him about it his confusion knows no bounds. Could it be his wine stock is in peril? It's all easily solved however, so long as the French apologise. Follow Archie And Reg on Twitter: @ArchieAndReg

An accusation has been made regarding Old Mister Titties. He's been sitting in a tree and Archie believes, with very little evidence mark you, that Reg has taken advantage.Elsewhere Reg needs to answer the call of nature, but why would he need to grease a dog? Could it be that there is more to this than meets the eye and the truth is that Archie has been playing with himself?Memory also transports our titular duo back to their schooldays and a trip to Romania they undertook with their chums and the legendary Dirty Steve. Not everyone made it back.Follow Archie And Reg on Twitter- @ArchieAndReg

Reg is not trying to attract a horse. It's worse than that. It's a bloody Squirrel and he's going at it!Elsewhere there is confusion between two gentlemen called Russell and, if things needed to be worse there are issues with the Polish and a chap who sits in a chair with wheels on it.

Tom Cruise? Mission Impossible? If it's a film about something that is unachievable then how have they made a film about it? And it doesn't even feature a great big Monkey doing a great big piss.Elsewhere Derek Acorah hasn't turned up to the club. But that doesn't mean he hasn't sent a representative.And you may find this difficult to believe but the chaps have found yet another reason to be cross with women. Could this be to do with the "bloody shelf" that Reg was meant to put up six months ago? There is also a question as to whether Reg's wife's slot is big or small.Follow the boys on the Twitter forthwith! @ArchieAndReg

Archie is not the easiest chap to annoy but that has never stopped Reg from trying.Once the wreckage has been put in the bin the Gents recall Bill Clinton who used to work in the club in the cloakroom. Problems only occurred when he had anything made of suede in his care.Elsewhere Archie has his chance to take his revenge and has come up with a way to make Archie pay for his many crimes across the century. Surely it would take a terrifying religious order to stop his dastardly plan?Follow the boys on the Twitter: @ArchieAndReg

Reg has not gone mental. He is simply wearing ladies clothing.Elsewhere former Conservative leader is ignoring our duo which leads to an embarrassing remembrance of the time Archie became confused by the word "secretary" and a sexism occurred.Shockingly Reg has made a word up: "feminist". This is clearly something dirty and Archie has to take him to task. Could there be a connection with the terrifying event of yesterday in which Archie saw a "lady"?Follow the chaps on Twitter @ArchieAndReg

Spunky Ted was never a man afraid of taking a risk, and never more so than when he made his way to the South Coast wearing his "Kiss Me Quick!" hat. Twelve pints though? Who would have thought a human could contain so much fluid?Regardless, Archie has decided to attempt to tell a joke. All that he needs is for Reg not to get distracted by ladies boobies.

Archie wants to put it behind him, but his rearend is in disagreement. Meanwhile whilst Reg hides a dark secret in his trousers, he finds himself contemplating a new career.. much to Archie's dustain

Well now this is awkward. Archie may have been poisoned and Reg may be the culprit! Could this really be true, or is it rather more sinister and to do with an incident involving some private photographs from 1973 involving HRH Princess Anne?Also Archie poses the question "who was your childhood hero?" Reg's answer is a barrage of homoerotic filth and discrimination. Well, it is if you're Archie.

All the great books are written by chaps. This is a simple statement of facts. It is also a statement of fact that no "woman" has ever written a single book in the whole of history. Yet today Dame Barbara Cartland is due to visit the club to unleash her latest novel into the world. How can this circle be squared? More to the point, who has got the bucket and mop?There is a further issue: Reg would seem to be breaking every rule in Archie's book. He's a health and safety nightmare! Drastic action would seem to be needed.And whilst we're at it, what the hell is that soup?