Get Off My Lawn Podcast W/ Gavin Mcinnes

What was supposed to be a funny episode about all the cute things my five-year-old does, quickly spirals out of control and becomes an angry old man rant about water, elaborate drinks, and the fact that 100% of kids in America are addicted to staring at various screens. If they’re not playing a video game they’re watching a video of someone else playing a video game and this constant over stimulation is leaving them with no creativity and unable to play like normal kids. It’s an epidemic and it’s destroying an entire generation’s childhood.

This is a very serious episode about jokes and what’s happened to them. Political correctness has infiltrated all of comedy now and the result is sketch comedy, stand-up, movies, and TV are only allowed to offend one group: kids. Comedy is still wildly offensive but only in regards to that group. The end result is the bits become even more disgusting because you’re seeing comics handle blacks, Jews, gays etc with kid gloves and then treating children like they’re human garbage.

Initially my teachers thought I was gifted but after doing a few tests, they realized I was borderline “special needs” and put me in a class with the dumbest kids in the school. The strange thing about this class was it also included kids who teachers just didn’t want to look at. There was an autistic kid, a hemophiliac, and some random chick dying of cancer. They all had good grades but they made teachers uncomfortable so off to the Special Class they went. 

In today's episode of "Living in the suburbs" we meet a weird dude who's been meditating and praying in front of my house. After confronting him and assuming he was a complete mental patient, I saw him being normal at a bar where a black guy stormed in and threatened to kill us all, first with a baseball bat, then with a gun.

I begin the show celebrating the 35th anniversary of my favorite temper tantrum: the time George Brett attacked a ref for calling off a victory due to some stupid rule about the bat. Then we examine the time Brett got food poisoning and poo’d his pants. This strangely segues into guns and what it would be like to be a ghost.

In this cockamamie theory episode, I posit the assumption that you need to be at least tangentially associated with the Mediterranean to be good in bed. Girls from Montreal are good lays because they are originally French and the south of France is on the Mediterranean. Girls from Toronto, however, are not even remotely linked to that body of water and despite having kick ass bodies, they do not know what to do with them.

This was the speech I was going to do for my parent's 50th Anniversary party but my dad kiboshed it because he said his friends are 70 now and they don't like swear words. Oh well, his loss is your gain. 

I start off laughing at sleepwalkers and all the stupid stuff they say but this somehow drifts into a talk about 9-11 and what it was like in NYC that day. Then it gets all heavy and I start crying like a little bitch.

I had food poisoning the other night and I can't help but think it was my history with LSD that enabled me to overcome the last barf session. This leads to a discussion about the long term effects of hallucinogenic drugs. 

This ep is all farts all the time as I delve into how bad flatulence can effect how your wife feels about you. Being Scottish and also a severe alcoholic means I have a weak stomach that is constantly being abused. That leads to toots that are so severe, I’ve often had people in public assume there was some kind of chemical spill (not in Glasgow, of course, they know what time it is there because they have the same problems). I make a few small tangents about not being vulnerable around your significant other but this ep is almost fanatical in it’s dedication to fart talk. Actually, if it was a talk show it would be called Fart Talk with Gavin McInnes.

After a weekend of rioting, I focus on one particular punch that summarizes the problem with millennial arrogance. Why would you pick a fight with someone who could clearly kick your ass? Because he’s a Nazi? I don’t get that. First of all, he isn’t. Secondly, if he was, aren’t you scared of him? I used to fight Nazi skinheads in the late 80s and I was petrified of every confrontation. They were very scary dudes and they kicked the crap out of us on a regular basis. This somehow segues into the number of women in action movies and how distracting it is to see a super model murder a gang of thieves who rob banks during hurricanes.

In this Special Edition of GOML, we dish all the latest celebrity gossip on Milo, Justin Theroux, and Will Ferrell. I also get into this right VS. left civil war and how likely the left is to be crushed by the gun-owning, super grumpy, right wing brawlers they keep picking fights with.

I start out talking about this new trend of yelling at Trump supporters for no other reason than you’re a mental patient. I went through it recently at a baseball game and it’s not scary or shocking. It’s just weird. Like when a homeless person zeroes in on you for some crazy reason. Then, I get into people picking fights with someone they couldn’t possibly take. Most of us learned not to do this at an early age but today’s youngsters want to throw down with people who would happily eat them for breakfast. Finally, I start talking about dealbreakers men have when it comes to women’s beauty. Outside of morbid obesity, there is one doozy we just cannot bend on. See if you can guess what it is (no it’s not a penis, you weirdo).

This was supposed to be about how weird it is to be gay but I went off on a tangent about some jerk who peed all over the toilet seat in Montreal and I sat on it. How are we, in a modern Western society, having to wash stranger’s pee off our butt cheeks and legs?

I start out getting mad at Tina Fey for pooping on America using the cute humor that came from having an awesome midwestern childhood with conservative parents. This leads to chastising all baby boomers for basically doing the same thing. Then, I take a 90 degree turn and devote the rest of the show to this weird mod kid I knew named Matt who kidnapped his girlfriend and went to prison for a long time. Back when we were roaming the streets of New York City, we broke into a Tofu factory and discovered dozens of illegal aliens being kept as slaves.  

Like you, I grew up assuming all jocks were date rapers and all beta-male, feminist ally, stand-up comedians were good people with a heart of gold. Turns out, the opposite is true. It appears nerds such as Chris Hardwick are the ones abusing women while the alpha male jokes are washing the barf off of drunk girls and carefully tucking them in. At the end, we discuss SaveTommy.com and how important it is to pitch in.

Most of this podcast is about the NY Mag article that just came out entitled, “A Company Built on a Bluff.” New Vice and old Vice are obviously denoted by me leaving in 2008 and it certainly wasn’t a bluff back then. I don’t know much about them post 2008 but I’m assuming that when the sales guy takes over the editorial, the content is going to get a lot more advertorial.

I start out railing against schools and teachers and how totally incompetent they all are. New York City schools are way worse than you could possibly imagine. It’s basically one big Animal House (but less funny). Then we get deep into the Nazi myth and how insane you’d have to be to honestly think white supremacy is a real thing and a threat to American society. It’s no less nuts than Bigfoot chasing.

It’s back to adolescence for today’s podcast where I go over all the times I almost died in the 80s. It’s the same for everyone right? Didn’t we all almost drown that one time or we were standing too close to the edge of a building before a perceptive friend grabbed us and pulled us back to safety. I guess the ones who did fall off aren’t hear to read this. Being a teenager is real and it’s fun but it’s not real fun to constantly be kicking the grim reaper in the nuts and asking, “So, what are you going to do about it, wimp?” Thank God we all made it.

Today’s episode is mostly about having kids and how they go from being cute guys who say crazy things to thinking you’re an idiot. Having them hang out with kids who have nannies doesn’t help. I worry that it teaches a culture where adults are your servants. I wonder how the children of these nannies feel about their mom being away. Anyway, this heavy subject matter is peppered with stories about drawing on someone’s face when they’re passed out.