Get Off My Lawn Podcast W/ Gavin Mcinnes

On today’s heroin special we look back at all my friends who OD’d and how that relates to the modern opioid epidemic. Turns out heroin ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

In this issue I try to sell you on the idea of having children because I use to be like you and my only regret is that I waited so long to have a family. Within this pitch, I also get into marriage tips like, “It’s OK to have a bad year” and parenting tips such as, “You can be friends with them when they’re young or friends with them when you’re old. You can’t have both.”

Wherein the host, me, argues that we used to be much less humorless 20-30 years ago. Xenophobia was considered amusing and it was simply a given that the West is the best. To prove this, I go over some examples of anti-PC comedy from the 70s (PJ O’Rourke’s National Lampoon essay “Foreigners Around the World”) and use it to not only prove that xenophobia can be amusing but also that the West is inarguably superior to everywhere else in the world.

This episode was meant to be a look at the socially liberal, libertarian views of Matt Stone and Trey Parker but it quickly veers into nothing but unsubstantiated gossip about the two comedy legends.

Being a man isn’t about lifting 350lbs and knowing how to replace a carburetor. It’s about not being a self-hating pussy who can’t wait to show his weaknesses to the world. If you can’t be the man we all wish you could be, fake it.

Having fun in high school has nothing to do with where you are or how much money you have. It has to do with how much culture you can invent. Come up with stupid rules and enforce them with vigilance. Get in trouble. Make mistakes. If you can’t be a human disaster when you’re a teenager, when can you be? This episode focusses on my high school years at the Earl of March in Kanata and all mind-blowing idiocy we used to get up to.

When you’re “cool” in high school it’s like being king of the world. When you’re that same guy well into adulthood, it’s downright sad. This episode uses my friend Artie as the perfect example of when cool jumps the shark. Time to grow up, Arthur.

I stole this concept from Chadwick Moore. If you’re white, pretend you’re black for a day and see how many things could be construed as racist. If you’re black, pretend you’re white and see how many things could be explained away as just life in the big city. This can be extrapolated to gay (as Chadwick did), female, trans, fat, and any other group that claims victim status. It’s very possible the person out to get you is you.

As an incredibly funny person, I like to riff with strangers. Over the years, I’ve realized about 5% of the population can riff back. 30% of people enjoy humor and then there’s the 70% who are wondering why you’re saying a thing that isn’t true. Within the entire 95% of non-riffers there is this bizarre contingent of people who try to joke around by using random words that make absolutely no sense in a comedic context. I’ve written some of these down and would like to share them with you.

Outside of making a ton of cash in media, I’ve also done well in advertising, real estate, and the stock market. I still work, however, because I like it and ironically, that’s how you get rich. You work hard. The other details are less obvious and include: be humble (you can be replaced), get it in writing, know your worth. This episode examines all of these helpful tips and why they work.

Today, I talk about that awkward age for boys when girls go from having cooties to being goddesses. It’s fun reliving all these various stages with my own kids but I’m constantly amazed how much of parenting today is about keeping them away from screens. My dad had no money and his childhood sounded like heaven. My kids have all they need and I’m constantly trying to drag them back to - if not my dad’s era  - the 1970s so they can experience some danger and excitement.

Atheists, you can believe in God, too. Just call it “nature.” This episode proves God exists and makes the case for a supreme being who pushed the first domino 14 billion years ago and has not sweat the small stuff since.

To whine about gentrification and call it genocide is to be a giant cry baby that turns crime and degradation into some kind of sacred culture that must be preserved. That being said, living with yuppies is extremely irritating. They are spoiled brats who would rather watch a black handicapped woman die, than be seen as racist.

Outside of murder, mental illness, and drug addiction, family is forever. Friends however, renew their contract about once a year which is usually how often you have a really big fight. I just said a permanent goodbye to my pal of 35 years, Steve. You will do the same with your closest friends. Sometimes you cancel your friend plan after the first year. Sometimes you renew the contract for decades. It will eventually end, especially if one of you has a family and the other doesn’t. If it’s permanence you’re looking for (and you are) start a family. 

He was in his late 60s but he died in the closet last week and it breaks my heart. He was a great man who had a rough life and the idea of never openly being yourself just sounds like infinite torture to me. Poor bastard. May he rest in peace.

Very excited to have dead Prime Minister Winston Churchill guest host this week’s podcast. He’s been awoken from the slumber of death by all this recent Hollywood attention but it’s not making the egomaniac more proud. It’s actually making him doubt his legacy. Churchill goes back to the Boer War of 1900 to re-examine his life and consider the possibility that he wasn’t, in fact, a hero who saved millions of lives. He may have been the opposite.

Though “A Night For Freedom” and the insanity that surrounded it was covered in great detail on Monday’s “Get Off My Lawn,” I wanted a freebie for the masses so everyone could see how completely unhinged the Alt-Left have become. To have basically the same beliefs as your dad is considered “Alt-Left” in 2018 and we all need to die, especially if we dare congregate in private to hear each other speak. We have officially entered the realm of the unwell.  

This isn’t going to happen again but this episode is just about my week. It gets its own show because it involved: knife fights, spies, cocaine, heroin, prison, guns, Anthony Cumia, James O’Keefe, Milo Yiannopoulos, Ann Coulter, Artie Lang, Stefan Molyneaux, Mike Cernovich, antifa, Proud Boys, and police. It’s been the most insane time of my life and the week isn’t even over yet.

One of the great things about old as hell is you’ve seen a lot of people change over the years. A good 94% of them stay the same but 5% go on to be wildly successful and then 1% completely lose their minds. The takeaway here is not trying to change these stats but just give thanks that we didn’t get sucked into that tiny vortex of total insanity.

I’ve met tons of celebrities, not because I’m fabulous, but because that’s working in media for a quarter century. Like being a hairdresser or doing makeup. You get to know some. This episode grazes stories about Kimberly Guilfoyle, Jennifer Aniston, Jimmy Kimmel, Steve Coogan, Tommy Lee, and Curtis Mayfield. The takeaway is celebrities aren’t special and being famous sucks.