Dear Men

According to my sex research, women's number one sex problem is physical pain.The truth is, it's painful when sex hurts -- for both people. Not just for the person experiencing it, but for their partner.How do you handle it if she has pain during sex, whether you're just starting out in dating or you're in a committed relationship? And how do you handle your own emotional pain or guilt around still having sexual needs?If you've ever been with a woman who was sleeping with you because she felt she "should," you know the pain of which I speak. Perhaps you were married and you sensed that she saw it as her wifely duty to keep you sexually satisfied. But that's not what you wanted -- you wanted her to be an enthusiastic participant in sex, not a passive recipient who was only doing it to please you.Here, Z describes the ways she was actually quite sexually closed as a newlywed, despite having sex with her partner. She talks about the shifts she and her husband went through once the

Ever felt like there was a "right" answer to a question a woman asked you, or a "right" way to respond to a situation with her? Did it feel like if you did the "wrong" thing, there would be consequences? Then you've likely been tested!Testing (also known as "feminine testing" -- or sometimes a term I personally dislike -- "shit testing" -- can be a confusing and frustrating experience to be on the receiving end of. Testing can happen in the early phases of dating, as well as once you're in a long-term committed relationship.As is true with many things in sex, dating, and relationships, there are nuances here that make this complex. Many women aren't even consciously aware of their tests. For others, testing is about seeking some kind of control; or a trauma background means they're very invested in ensuring that they know the truth, and testing is how they believe they're sure to get it.Here we share our own personal experiences of testing -- how we

Ever feel like you're being deliberately provoked by your woman? Or that she sometimes pushes and pushes until she gets a rise out of you -- often about what seem like tiny things? This pattern can be confusing until you understand the deeper reasons for it. And it's quite a common in dating and relationships, though we don't often discuss it explicitly. Related to polarity, the way Jason puts it is that "the poke is a call for presence and deeper feeling." It's not always the most mature or conscious way of relating. And the truth is, we as human beings don't always act in the most mature fashion. But if we can grasp the underlying vulnerabilities that drive us, then we often hit on wells of compassion that help us deepen and relax into love in ways we couldn't before.Remember: Personal growth works. It's not a straight line, but it's always worth it.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men

Ever gotten the sense that a woman is sizing you up ... deciding whether you match up with a list she has in her head around her ideal partner?You might be right. Whether you're online dating, speed dating, or meeting someone in real life, a lot of women do have a list, and it can be confusing or even frustrating when you interface with it.Here, we discuss the nuances of "the list" -- the why behind it, how to engage with it, and the tension between the need to be open/flexible, and the need to stick with personal boundaries.If you have your own list, you’ll likely also relate to this. And you may also relate to the feeling of wanting things to be neat and tidy — to be fully prepared for relationship and have your partner match up with all your expectations.To which I’d share Violet's words: “Would I rather be alone for the next decade, or would I rather have the experience of loving and being loved, and have it be messy?"---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are r

What does it actually mean to be needy? We use the term a lot, and sometimes in less-than-kind ways -- both in terms of describing others as well as ourselves.Having needs is a universal experiences. Humans, animals, plants, and every living thing has certain needs. Human beings need food, water, and sleep on a biological level -- and we also need love, respect, and a sense of belonging. If we don't have these needs met, then we have reactions. In a love relationship, it can feel difficult or even overwhelming to advocate for certain needs to be met -- for example, physical affection, quality one-on-one attention, or sex. Neediness nearly always stems from old wounds, so it can be hard to bring this kind of thing forward with a partner.The truth is, we're all needy. We all have certain needs, and our partner is not responsible for meeting all of them all of the time. But there's a balance to be had, which involves navigating difference and being willing to hang in there through discomfort.Here, we

Do you ever feel ashamed of your porn use, or wish you could stop or cut down? Ever had trouble getting it up and wondered if that's connected to porn use? Ever compared dating partners to women you see in porn, and wondered if that was negatively impacting your sex or love life?Over 10% of men are addicted to porn, according to a 2019 study in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions. (As of 2024, I suspect that number is even higher.) Porn has also been linked to to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation in some cases.Here, we talk about why porn addiction has become so prevalent, and help to answer the questions: How do you know if you're addicted to porn, and how do you quit (if you want to)?Jason also delves into his own personal experience with porn addiction, how he overcame it, and what life and sexuality is like now (including with his partner).---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men brea

If you've ever felt anxious around a woman you were attracted to, gone rigid when you tried to flirt, or completely shut down during a fight with your partner, you know what it is to go into freeze.When we're overwhelmed, we can lock up. This is inconvenient if what you really want to do in that moment is to move, get someone's number, or speak up for yourself during a moment of tension with your spouse or in a meeting at work.Where does this behavior come from? Why did it develop? What do we do about it that actually works?Here, somatic practitioner and expert Stacy Matulis breaks down what's actually going on in your nervous system when you freeze, and what to do about it. (Hint: No one is an island, and we need others. We are interdependent.)We also cover the difference between freeze and disassociation, depression and suicidality, and why it can feel like even after years of doing the work, you're still stuck in some ways.Going into a freeze state will absolutely impact your sex, datin

Ever wondered what different women say when they get really real about their last relationship? How about why they do growth work — and what it looks like for them?Here, I take you behind the curtain to give you a peek at exactly that. This is an amalgam episode with responses from over over ten women who answered three questions:What’s the biggest thing you learned in your last relationship?What’s a memorable time a man showed up for you or honored you in some way?Why do you do growth work and what does that look like for you?---When it comes to love, sex, relationships, and personal growth work, one thing is always true: more compassion is always better. So here’s to increased understanding, empathy, and joy — and of course, more healing. ---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a cal

If you love having sex with women and want to be known as a great lover, being good at going down is an important part of your repertoire. ;)But it’s not easy to talk about this with anyone, so here we’re laying it bare. Four of us ladies share openly about what really works for us in oral sex -- what we desire, long for, and what holds us back in terms of receiving deep pleasure.Whether you're married and wanting to know how to excel at cunnilingus on your wife, or you’re dating and want to how to go down on a woman such that she craves seeing you again, it’s all here.—Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

When your partner gets anxious or upset, do you feel like it's your fault or that you have to fix it immediately? How able are you to stay grounded and feel your own self, even amidst her storm/upset?Ever found yourself doing anything to calm her down -- because your sense of being OK was contingent upon her feeling OK? (We find this common in the men with whom we work.Here, we talk about how to stay grounded even when she's going through it. We outline how to know what's actually going on for you in those moments, how to "interrupt" the sense of compulsion around fixing it, and what a deep offering it is to maintain your own, separate nervous system instead of merging with hers.As Jason says, now that he has become more skilled in this area, “I can be connected to her without being swallowed up by what’s going on for her.”Whether it's in sex, dating, or a committed relationship, you will be more stable, reliable, and frankly sexy partner when you learn to master this.---Work with usWa

"For so long I felt like, ‘this is only happening in my marriage.’"If you've ever experienced something dark, difficult, or deeply challenging in your love relationship, *and didn't feel like you could talk about it with others,* you'll relate to this episode.Few topics bring up wounds as deep as betrayal. Whether you've experienced a partner cheating (physically or emotionally), abuse of some kind, or some other kind of damaging withholding or acting out in a relationship, you're familiar with the deep feeling of aloneness that often comes with that experience.Or as my guest this week put it, it can feel like "we’re fighting this war in our own little intimate relationship."How do you rebuild trust when you've betrayed an intimate partner? If you're the betrayed, how do you overcome the PTSD that you've developed in response to this? Here, we delve into all of that and more -- and celebrate what's possible on the other side. The depth of healing and restora

What are you most ashamed of? Is it your sexuality -- how much you want and need sex, or your deep-down cravings that you fear others would judge if they knew about? Is it your yearning for love, your desire to be held or seen or known in some fundamental way?Many of the biggest breakthroughs we've witnessed in clients have come when they've headed directly into shame, been witnessed with compassion, and come out the other side.It is almost inevitable that releasing shame builds power, which is often electrifyingly transformative. Shame around sex, relationship, love, need, weakness, neediness, and desire is normal. It's human. But it doesn't have to be paralyzing; in fact, it can be catalyzing.Here, Jason and Luke share personal stories of shame, and we outline the process of transforming shame into power. Learn about the Heart of Shadow men's group and retreat at heartofshadow.com - use coupon "dearmen" when you register!---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason an

Ever experienced porn addiction (and had that affect your love relationship), contended with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, or been worried about what your cock looks like? Then you'll feel right at home with this episode.Here, several men in our community share their unvarnished truth with their own voices. They forthrightly and vulnerably answer 3 questions:What's a major lesson you learned in your last relationship?What's a sexual challenge you've had and how have you addressed it?Why do you choose to do consciousness work?I believe you'll find the raw truth from other men on the path to be illuminating, inviting, and reassuring all at the same time. I couldn't be prouder of these men, and all of you men who are out there learning, transforming, and growing.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a

Do you wish your woman was more open to sex? Not just intercourse, but the fun of the whole sex thing -- kissing, making out, foreplay, getting hot and heavy, doing the dirty.Ever longed for more from your wife/girlfriend/partner when it comes to sexuality -- and not just "from her" but with her? Ever wished she had more fun when it came to sex, that she enjoyed it more, was more expressed and into it?Many of our clients feel a yearning to connect more with their woman, but aren't even sure how to bring it up. Talking about sex is sensitive, and even more so if sexual trauma is part of the picture. And masturbation can be even harder to discuss, especially in partnership.Here, we talk all things sexual opening and awakening when it comes to the feminine. We draw from our own personal journeys as well as countless stories from other women who've learned how to connect to their own erotic essence (separate from a partner), and the myriad benefits associated with that. We cover the many health be

Ever been around a woman who was closed down, shut off, or emotionally unavailable? Ever felt like your partner wanted to say something but was holding back, and if you'd somehow shown up in a different way, maybe she'd have let you in?Perhaps you've felt some version of, "I can’t handle that anger right now so I need to remove that anger from her." Or if your partner is upset with you, you've expressed something like, "You don’t need to feel that way because here was my *intention* in doing that."Dating, sex, and relationships can feel like a huge mystery. Hell, women and feelings themselves can feel like a huge mystery! But there are certain principles that hold true, and grasping the nuances of polarity can help you navigate everything with more grace and clarity.Here, I share personal stories of feeling opened by a man (as well as times I've felt closed by one), and we outline what it takes to become the man who can open an available woman.—Work with usWant to go deeper

"When I was at my worst, I didn’t know there was a way out."Sometimes in life we get stuck. We don't know how to deal with big feelings, so we self-medicate -- with alcohol, or porn, or weed, or food.But often the self-medication gets in the way of things we really want -- love; intimacy; healthy, connected sex; joy.You may think of 12-step programs as solely for alcoholics, but they're far mroe comprehensive. There are programs for porn addiction, codependency in relationship, sex & love addiction, and for those who are loved ones of an addict (or adult children of parents who were addicts).*Addiction and recovery profoundly affect your sex and love life, and here, speaker and 12-step mentor Mark Wilde delves into his own story, and how his journey has positively impacted his marriage.In his words, as he grew and healed and learned to lead: "When I became more vulnerable and expressive, I had reciprocation and energy from her that I’d not experienced before ... our relationship began

Has your woman ever been in her masculine, and you wished she was in her feminine? Here's something that doesn't work: "Hey, could you drop into your feminine already?" ;)So how do you polarize your woman well? Polarity is one of those mysteries in life like electricity: We don't fully grasp why it works, but we can harness its power to make our lives better.I love polarity work because it can make a concrete difference in sex, love, dating, and relationships. I've seen countless clients ditch old dating advice, learn about this, and then say, "Wow, this polarity thing really works on a date." Or, "Man, I wish I'd known about polarity sooner ... my marriage might have gone differently."The fact is, no one teaches us about dating and sexuality and HOW to connect well. Most men don't learn how to flirt with girls, how to polarize a partner, or even what polarity is. Yet it's a fundamental relationship dynamic that can help with everything.Here we lay out five

Have you ever been concerned about getting involved with a woman because you didn't want to hurt her feelings if it didn't work out?Ever felt like you shouldn't go deeper emotionally with a woman you were dating because you weren't sure you wanted to put a ring on it?Does it ever feel like all women want a long-term, committed relationship, so if you're not available for that, you're somehow doing something wrong?The fact is, sex, dating and relationships are complex. There are a lot of possibilities, and the best kind of relationships are the ones that feel good to both parties.Here, we explore how to date ethically, share what you're available for, and how to be aware of what's underneath your fear of upsetting a woman. We also outline the immense value of short- and medium-term relationships, and what some women really want when it comes to those.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old

If you’ve become aware that you experienced developmental trauma (and/or attachment wounding), you may wonder how to heal from it.Where do you go to move through stuck parts of yourself that are holding you back? How do you get things moving and release blocks so you can finally get what you want in sex, dating, and relationships?Jason was a self-proclaimed late bloomer Nice Guy with developmental trauma — he had sex for the first time at 26, and still had a lot to learn around dating. Plus, he was often numb and felt like life was sort of happening to him. He wanted more, but didn't know how to get there.Then he went to a men’s work workshop where a mentor took just twenty minutes to get him to a place he hadn’t touched in 3 full years of talk therapy.It was transformational.(And now he’s married to a beautiful, self-aware, radiant woman with whom he has a thriving relationship.)Here’s the story of how he got there — and how you can, tooEvolutionary Men RetreatReady to do the work live? Join us in Northe

Ever felt like when it comes to your relationship, you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop? Or that when you come home, you don't know what (or who) you're going to get? Or that every moment is, "Are they OK?" "Are they OK?" "Are they OK?"Reality check: It is not normal to be constantly on guard or anxious in your relationship. That kind of chronic anxiety is highly dysregulating -- and yet it's the "norm" for many of the men with whom we work. Whether they're in sexless marriages, struggle with overwhelming anxiety in dating, or yearn for more closeness with their partners, they're suffering. Are you?Here we discuss the difference between an unhealthy and healthy love relationship. A healthy love relationship is one in which the relationship GIVES you evergy, rather than draining it from you. Or as we put it, “It’s not a healthy relationship if it requires you to abandon yourself over and over.”And: “Our relationship should co-regulate us,