Dear Men

Want a woman to feel deeply, profoundly, extraordinarily safe with you? Able to surrender fully, relaxing all the way into your arms, allowing her body to open to you in ways you never knew were possible?Then you need to know about this.Whether you're dating or in a long-term committed relationship, there's an underlying fear that, according to Violet, who has worked with hundreds of women and heard from thousands, 99% of women have.It's a fear you may share. And if it's not addressed, it can block intimacy, whether that's in sex or other relationship dynamics. The good news? You can learn to address it skillfully -- and this can profoundly shift a dynamic within a relationship. If you've been looking for the best relationship advice ever, it might just be this. ;)Memorable quotes from this episode:"I’m not going to be THAT girl.""I don't care what my fling thinks, but I don't want my partner to think I'm a trashy whore.""I’m too needy, bossy, driven. I’

How did you learn to be a man? From whom did you learn, and what did they impart? More importantly, if this isn't how you want to be now, how you grow beyond what you learned?We learn how to be who we are from our parents and other caregivers. If you grew up with men who were absent, alcoholics, abusive, or just not emotionally attuned, then there are gaps in your knowledge. Here we talk about how to fill those in -- and how to replace bad role models with good ones.A few things we cover in this episode:Passive dad/absent dad vs. volatile dadWhat do to do if you don't want to be "that guy" -- the angry guy, the shut-down guy, the guy who makes women uncomfortableGrowing up with women who badmouthed men ("Don't be like your father")The power of men's work---Not mentioned on this episode but still wanted to mention it here -- there's a YouTube channel called, "Dad, how do I?" and it's great. It's by a man who didn't grow up with a good dad, and it's al

Do you know you have trauma stuck in your body, but you're not sure how to move it? Perhaps you're aware that your issues are in your tissues, but you don't know what to do about it.If anyone knows what it's like to feel stuck around sex, dating, and relationships, it's Jason. He was a late bloomer, self-proclaimed Nice Guy, and didn't feel successful with women for a long time -- didn't even have sex for the first time until his late 20s.Plus, even outside of relationships, for most of his life he felt like something was ... missing. Like his life was just sort of happening to him. He wanted something else, something more, but didn't know how to get there.Then he went to a live workshop where a men's work mentor rocked his world. In just twenty minutes of in-depth work, he got to a place that 3 full years of talk therapy hadn't touched.It was transformational.If you've ever felt stuck or numb as a man, you're not alone. And you can break out of it. Sometimes it

If you want a thriving, connected sex life with your partner, but feel like something's in the way ... it could be sexual trauma.The fact is, 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are survivors of child sexual abuse. To put that in perspective, that's 42 million women and 21 million men in the US alone.The bad news? We don't talk about this nearly enough, so it can feel overwhelming and scary to address. The good news? It is addressable, and no matter who you are or what happened, you can have a beautiful, connected, and deeply fulfilling sex life. It just takes some work to get there.Here we talk about how you, as a man who has sex with women, can identify the signs that a partner may have a sexual trauma backgroundIf you've ever been with a partner who seems to check out during sex (disassociates), tends to avoid sex altogether, or has certain triggers (like certain lighting or movements on your part that cause her to tense up), it could be this.We also talk about how to bring it up and talk about it

Was your family skilled at teaching you about sex? Was your school, or your religious community?HA.I'm guessing not.Many families of origin suck at talking about sex, dating, and relationships. And whether you grew up in a religious house or not, sex education tends to also be subpar, especially when it comes to teaching about sexual communication.How do you ask a partner for what you really want? How do you tell someone they're missing the mark when it comes to something sexual (like oral sex, or something about intercourse).On this episode we talk about all that, as well as how the #MeToo movement has impacted all of us. And we touch on how to overcome sexual shame. A particularly memorable quote from that section:“I turned my shame into vulnerability.”Finally, we touch on porn in this episode, and the other podcast episode I reference is:DM 112: How this man overcame porn addiction(If you've felt a little iffy about your relationship with pornography, give that one a listen, as well. You may fi

Has your woman ever been in her masculine, and you wished she was in her feminine? Here's something that doesn't work: "Hey, could you drop into your feminine already?" ;)So how do you polarize your woman well? Polarity is one of those mysteries in life like electricity: We don't fully grasp why it works, but we can harness its power to make our lives better.I love polarity work because it can make a concrete difference in sex, love, dating, and relationships. I've seen countless clients ditch old dating advice, learn about this, and then say, "Wow, this polarity thing really works on a date." Or, "Man, I wish I'd known about polarity sooner ... my marriage might have gone differently."The fact is, no one teaches us about dating and sexuality and HOW to connect well. Most men don't learn how to flirt with girls, how to polarize a partner, or even what polarity is. Yet it's a fundamental relationship dynamic that can help with everything.Here we lay out five

Ever have trouble concentrating, or beat yourself up for not getting more done? Do you give yourself a hard time for watching porn & masturbating? Wonder why you just can't kick that habit you know is unhealthy (smoking weed, playing video games, drinking alcohol, etc.)?All of this is related to loneliness. Whether you live alone and work from home, are single and dating and longing for relationship, are divorced and missing what you used to have, or are in a relationship but often feel distant from your wife/partner ... life can be lonely.And according to the US Surgeon General, "Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation has been an underappreciated public health crisis that has harmed individual and societal health."We tend to think of feeling lonely as not that big a deal, but that couldn't be further from the truth. According to Psychology Today, "[c]lose relationships with other people have more of an impact on our physical health and longevity than even our genes do."The other

"I just can't make up my mind. Sometimes I feel like I'm settling, and that makes me sad. Sometimes I feel blessed to have someone as amazing as this woman who wants to be with me.The question I have is, if I'm having doubts or feelings that I might be settling, does that mean she's not The One? Or is it normal to have these feelings sometimes?"If you've ever wondered whether you're in the right relationship or should seek something better, you're not alone! Dating is, in part, about figuring out whether you're with the right partner. But no one teaches us how to know whether it's right, especially if you sometimes have doubts.Short story? Doubts don't mean everything, and they don't mean nothing. ;) Here, we delve into the fundamentals of "relationship ambivalence," anxious/avoidant attachment and how it relates to this, how porn can affect how you feel about your relationship, and what to truly look for when determining whether partner is the right

A lot of the men we work with don't want to be That Guy. The guy who's creepy or pervy or weird. The guy who makes women feel unsafe, whether on a date or in a relationship.But how do you figure out how to get consent while still maintaining your masculine core? Is it uncool to ask for permission to kiss her? (Spoiler alert: No.) And how does consent work on a porn set? Porn stars still need to navigate the world of what's going to feel good for someone and what's not, and as it turns out, a lot of the process actually goes on off-camera!Here, we delve into the wild and wondrous world of consent, as outlined by top adult film actress, author, and consent advocate Tasha Reign. If you've ever wanted to know what the differences are between porn sex and real-life sex, give this a listen!Ready to go beyond the podcast?We love working with men who are ready to do the work! If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take

All of the men we work with, whether married, dating, or single, want women to feel safe with them. It's important to them that women trust them -- that women feel secure around them (even if that's "just" on a dating app).And women don't tend to feel deeply safe unless they feel claimed. In one woman's words: “When a man doesn’t claim me, I feel anxious and stressed and find myself not wanting to be vulnerable."Another said, "When a man doesn't claim me it feels confusing... like, 'Huh?' I'm like, 'Wtf is happening?' I feel anxious and unsettled, and I don't want to open up and be vulnerable. I feel wary and the need to be hypervigilant."Claiming doesn't mean dominating. It's not about overpowering. Here, we go into depth around what claiming is and isn't, and how you can do it well. The good news? When you know how to claim well, your dating and sex life will improve. Your current relationship will get hotter and smoother.If you'

Relate to any of the following dating and relationship questions?In dating, I tend to get attached/excited about someone fast, and then really disappointed when it doesn’t work out. How do I lessen the intensity of this? (This includes if you've just been messaging with someone on a dating app like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OKCupid, etc. and you thought it'd go somewhere but then it didn't)I brought something to a woman that I thought she'd appreciate, and she didn’t respond. Did I do something wrong?Should I wait to get into a relationship in order to work on my stuff? (Similar to, "How do I know when I'm ready to get into a relationship/start dating again?")How do I ‘not take the bait,’ as in get reactive, when someone is baiting me (like my girlfriend or wife)?Here, I answer all of these questions, which includes exploring what to do when you feel let down around something in sex, dating or relationships; how to know when it's time to work on yourself and not date (take a break

If you've ever been concerned about erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation and looked at male-bodied porn stars with envy, here's a fun fact: Close to 100% of male-bodied porn stars use Viagra/Cialis/other sexual performance enhancement drugs in order to perform on set.That's not the only thing that might surprise you about sex, love, dating, and the behind-the-scenes truth about pornography. Here, porn director Holly Randall outlines some of the differences between the sex shown in porn versus real sex, and we also get into what the sex lives of porn stars are really like.Other topics include how to relax about penis size (this part is very interesting), things you might not have known about anal sex, and more.Ready to go beyond the podcast?We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to break old patterns and transform in a real and lasting way, we can help.Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

When a woman is going through a tough time (especially for an extended period of time), it can be easy to fall into a codependent dynamic. When she relies heavily on you to help her feel better, this can be taxing on your nervous system. And nobody wants codependence!How do you stay steady when things like financial stress, fertility issues, job concerns, or hard family dynamics cause a wife, girlfriend, or other woman partner to turn to you more than ever?Here we talk about what it means to be emotionally regulated vs/ dysregulated, and concrete ways to feel better and manage stress in a healthy, generative fashion. We outline how a woman (or any dysregulated partner) can soothe herself, as well as strategies you can use to support her through a difficult time.If you've ever felt unsure about how to soothe a woman partner or challenged by feeling the need to hold space repeatedly for something neither she nor you have control over (i.e. her getting laid off, or interacting with a frustrating/difficult re

Oral sex can be super hot. In fact, some people consider it even more intimate than intercourse.As one writer put it, "Sexual intercourse is mostly selfish. Sure, you want the other person to get off, but your own orgasm is your first priority. But giving head is, at the core, a selfless act."Speaking of orgasm, 70%+ of women who have sex with men don't tend to cum through intercourse ... but many can if you go down on them! Yep, going down on her can be super important in some cases, since it can be a reliable way to help your woman partner to get off.Whether you're dating women or you're in a long-term relationship like a marriage, oral can be a delightful part of your sexual repertoire. But how do you navigate it and make sure it's good for all involved? What, for example, do you do if a woman is actually uncomfortable receiving oral sex (and if that woman is your wife)?Here, we delve into all that and more -- the good, the bad the ugly -- of going downtown.---Mentioned on this epis

Let's say you're doing the work, and meet someone else who's doing the work. Now you're in a conscious relationship! Mazel tov! Now what do you need to know about sex, love, relating, and how it all connects? When you've got two people who are growing, you've got tremendous potential. You've also got some other stuff. ;)Allana has 20 years of helping both singles and couples with sex, love, and relationships, so she's able to speak to the larger patterns that emerge in the work. According to her, "most intimacy struggles boil down to a few common blindspots that once healed, allow vulnerable, authentic relationships to thrive."Want to know what the top 3 blindspots are, and how to address them? Listen on!Memorable quotes from this episode:"I played the Wall Street wife and lost myself.""There's a gift in every crisis.""The main tipping point was when my son came and said, 'I know what I’m doing.'""I believe the universe is on our

Sex is part of life, and major life events affect our sex lives. Here are just a few things you might've wondered about in the course of your own sex life:How do I overcome erectile dysfunction without drugs? (like Viagra or Cialis)What do I do if she's less into sex than me? (a difference in libido, which sometimes involves an arousal disorder)My wife had a baby and now intercourse hurts. Are we ever going to have great sex again??What if my woman partner has dryness or pain during sex, especially post-menopause? How can I help?Enter Dr. Soum, founder of science-based sex tech company MysteryVibe. "Childbirth, menopause, recovering from cancer or surgery — in all of these cases, your sex life is affected, and the mystery leaves the bedroom," he says.But it can come back, people. As one happy couple in their 70s said of using one of their products, "We’ve been married for 30 years and we feel like we’re back in our honeymoon."Look, the truth is that human bodies are both complicated an

Trauma recovery might not seem like the sexiest topic, but you guys, it is. When it comes to to having healthy, passionate, connected sex, dating, and love relationships, it's everything! You may have become aware (through, perhaps, this podcast) that you've likely got some childhood neglect or other kind of trauma background, and you may be wondering whether that's ever resolvable.The answer is YES. Even if you've been through the wringer. Which Michael Unbroken has. A survivor of poverty, child sexual abuse, domestic violence, and a whole lot more, he has serious legs to stand on when it comes to overcoming adversity. Now an expert on complex PTSD (cPTSD) and a life coach for trauma survivors, he asserts that:"The number one shift you can make in your healing journey is asking for help and getting the support that you need and deserve to break free of generational curses, childhood trauma, and the pain of the past."Amen.If you or someone you've dated has a trauma background, this

"I'm a comedian, and now I’m an accidental matchmaker!"So says Alli, self-proclaimed theater geek and creator of Love Isn’t Blind — a new dating show where 4 men compete for 1 woman, and the men can’t speak. She's also the creator of the dating show where celebrities read your breakup texts.What's especially interesting is that as someone reading hundreds of applications to her dating show, Alli has a fascinating breadth of experience when it comes to what men are looking for in women, and vice versa. As she says, "When you ask people what they want in a partner, it's revealing to hear what they lead with."Here we talk about sex, dating, relationships, being a wingwoman or wingman (hint: if you're in a relationship, your job isn't over! Help out a shy or introverted person and you'll feel great about yourself). We also discuss how hot men are who are openminded, working on themselves and "secretly in men's groups." ;)You'll want to listen to this fun

One of the most inspiring things we've seen in our work with men is the rejuvenation of relationships. We've seen clients in long-term, committed relationships that felt flat, off, or just not exciting ... become vibrant and vivid again.We've seen couples get hot sex back! (often better than ever). We've seen closeness and intimacy be reestablished, often more intensely than had ever been true before.But before this renewal period, there was suffering. Often in the form of reverse polarity. Especially if you identify as a Nice Guy, you may have experienced reverse polarity in relationship -- where she's more in her masculine, and he's more in his feminine. This can be a painful place to be. Both people suffer.And the path back is not necessarily what you'd think. For example, men say, "I’ve been doing everything to please my partner, and it just seems to make it worse ... " because as it turns out, pleasing and appeasing her doesn't actually generate polarity.Or they sa

Ever experienced the relationship pattern where she essentially says, "I was hurt by this thing you did," or, "I need you to love me better/differently" — and then you feel like you've failed, pull away, and maybe even have the desire to just stop trying altogether?Whether you're in a dating relationship or a long-term, committed relationship like a marriage, this is a very common relationship pattern. It can be easy for women to be critical or share feedback in ways that are not at all constructive (sometimes even bullying). And it can be easy for a man, when he feels he has let down/disappointed his partner, to get defensive or withdraw (or both), which can trigger even more upset. This, then, can affect your sex life as well as your emotional intimacy.How do two people meet in the middle here? How does she soften and share feedback in an openhearted way, and how does he receive it without collapsing and/or entering into a shame spiral?The good news is that it is possible to grow her