Dear Men

Ever felt guilty or ashamed of your sexuality because of your religious background? Nikole Mitchell started life as a Baptist ... and is now an OnlyFans star! Along the way to reclaiming her full, passionate sexuality, she set boundaries with family members and learned how to be right with her own sex drive. She's also a sex-positive mother of three, has been through divorce, and knows what it means to leave the church. If you've experienced religion trauma or find yourself shaming yourself over your authentic sexuality, you'll be inspired by her story of rising above, getting laid, and finding meaning. To good, healthy sex for all!

Sick of getting ghosted or having other not-so-great experiences on dating apps like Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, etc.? While the apps are an important part of the sex and relationship landscape these days, there are lots of other stimulating ways to meet dating and relationship partners. Camille Virgina, author of The OFFline Dating Method: 3 Steps to Attract Your Perfect Partner in the Real World, breaks it down. We also get into how to overcome by social anxiety and loneliness — two common obstacles to dating. Whether you're looking for a new sex or dating partner after a divorce or other breakup, wanting a new polyamorous connection, or just to make new friends, you'll get something out of this candid and uplifting convo on connection.

Ever wondered what it's like to do ayahuasca, MDMA (molly), or psilocybin (magic mushrooms)? Are they right for you (can they help boost your sexual confidence, feel less anxious overall, and/or let go of old trauma)? Here, we share our experiences with different "medicines," as well as their huge advantages and drawbacks. People with relationship issues, including anxious/avoidant attachment now have even more ways of healing and moving forward. Psychedelics like ayahuasca, psilocybin, ketamine, MDMA, and more are increasingly used therapeutically, and have a lot of potential to help boost and accelerate personal growth, recovery from PTSD, and more.Mentioned on this episode:MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies): https://maps.org/Johns Hopkins Center for Psychedelic & Consciousness Research: https://hopkinspsychedelic.org/

"When I got out of the military, I couldn't feel a damn thing." While technically ending his military career as a success, Reeves' internal experience was totally different. He felt miserable and disconnected -- and this was the place from which he dated, had sex, and got into relationships. What happened? Nothing good! His partners were unhappy, he didn't understand why they weren't happy with what he was providing, and arguments ensued. This is a riveting account of one man's journey moving from "traditional," perhaps limited masculinity into its full expression. Breakdown to breakthrough has its illuminating moments. Author of Choose Her Every Day or Leave Her, Reeves

Ever wondered what tantra means, exactly? You're not alone. If you picture a bunch of people having a massive sex orgy, or a married couple attempting to spice up their sex life with tantra, you're also not alone. When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, conscious sexual expression is often something to which we aspire but don't always attain. It turns out tantra has a lot more to it than what you might think -- it could be the gateway to profound transformation not only in relationship, but to unlocking your own vibrant, individual aliveness.

Often the people who are the most sexually attractive to us are the ones who trigger all our "stuff." We call this "trauma sex," and quite frankly, it's hot. It's heavy. It's intense. It's addictive! And it happens to both men and women. Whether in a dating or relationship context (i.e. a marriage) you've ever felt like you couldn't stop sleeping with a woman who was toxic for you (perhaps even a narcissist or someone with Borderline Personality Disorder), you'll appreciate this candid discussion of red-hot sex with someone who's bad for you ... and how to break free of the pattern.

Holly Randall grew up in a household where both parents were in the adult industry (as photographers/producers). Eventually she herself became an adult film director (and podcaster!). In a world where free porn is ubiquitous and affects all of us in our dating and relationship lives, it's worth exploring the differences between porn as depicted onscreen and sex in real life. Here's one gem: She says 90%+ of male porn stars use Viagra, so if you're judging how hard your cock gets or your performance on them ... stop. We also discuss penis size, the hidden truth about anal sex, and much more.

Ever felt like your partner was trying to control you, whether in dating or a committed relationship — for example by withholding sex, subtly shaming you, or making you feel guilty if you needed space? Simone Milasas, author of Relationship: Are You Sure You Want One?, breaks down several common ways women who have sex with men often try to control their partners (sometimes unconsciously). If you've been in a relationship where you didn't really feel like you could be just yourself without triggering your partner, you may find this one validating.

Irene and her husband started out hot and heavy, but that sexual chemistry didn't last. Eventually sex was painful for her and she sought out help from OBGYNs and other experts ... to no avail. She, like many women, thought she was broken. This took a heavy toll on her marriage, and it was years before she was able to truly enjoy sex again. Now she coaches other women and couples hoping to regain intimacy and achieve a thriving sex life. Whether you're currently dating, in a relationship, or married, you'll get something out of this riveting story of sexuality, relationships, redemption, and how the healing process can seem circuitous but eventually always leads to wholeness.Mentioned in the episode:Why Sex Dies and How to Make Love & Sex Work in a Long-term Relationship: www.irenefehr.com/start-here-sex-coachingWebsite: www.irenefehr.com

Got sexual issues like not being able to get hard when you want to (aka erectile dysfunction), premature ejaculation, or being unable to keep an erection when you want to? Or relationship issues like pushing away a woman you like without not knowing why, getting nervous when things are going towards sex, or disruptive anxious/avoidant attachment dynamics? Trauma -- including sexual abuse or other sexual trauma -- could be at the root. Healing from sexual issues and connection problems is possible when you get the right kind of help. Here are some highly effective trauma recovery modalities that work -- often quickly. Somatic Sex Educator and certified sexologist Rahi Chun breaks it down.

Imagine going up to a woman you don't know and saying, straight up, "You're sexy." Can you picture it? Does it give you anxiety? Connell used to be a "nice guy," constantly relegated to the friend zone. But he didn't stay that way — his story is a fun and compelling example of what happens when you reclaim your sexuality and lean into your edges. If you want to become more powerful in your sex, dating, and relationship life, there are valuable lessons here. (And yes, his journey did involve going up to women and just putting it out there: "You're sexy!") As the author of Dating Sucks But You Don't, Connell also lays out some practical dating app profile advice for men here.

Ever wanted to spice up your sex life with some dirty talk? Connected sex leads to a happy, healthy relationship, and that can be enhanced by adding in elements like dirty talk during sex. But how do you actually do it? What do you say, and how do you bring it up with a partner? We cover all that, plus a super fun, sexy exercise you can do with your partner to kick things off (hint: it involves a blindfold, but not in the way that you think ... and all clothes can stay on). Whether you're single or in a dating relationship (or relationship or married), there's something here for you.

Most dating apps for straight folks have about 90% men and 10% women on them -- so the experience for men is often one of scarcity. (If you have trouble getting matches as a man, that's normal.) So wouldn't it be great if there were an app where you could go on 8 mini-dates in an hour and a half? Filter Off is a video-first dating app that helps you meet more people faster, and actually see and hear them before meeting up in person (you'll know if they actually look like their photos!). It's modern dating, streamlined. P.S. Based on this episode, I may run my very own dating event through Filter Off! Want to get in on that? Email me at dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com to get on the list.

If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you'll need to address your attachment wounds. We've all got 'em to one extent or another -- and yours may be more pronounced depending on your childhood. If you've been wanting to overcome anxious attachment (or avoidant attachment) because you're suffering in relationship (or dating), you'll appreciate this episode.Processing trauma as efficiently as possible requires you to include the body. Healing happens in the body, not just the mind. Somatic therapy like the one we discuss here (Network Spinal Analysis) helps your nervous system heal from anxious attachment, and more. Remember that you don't need to be perfect; you just need to be willing to grow so you can be present in sex, dating, or relationships now. Personal growth DOES work when you do the work. <3DROP-IN MEN'S GROUP COMING UP: Monday, June 14, 7:30pm PST $20 evolutionary.men/events

How do you stay in integrity when you have women friends, as a man in a monogamous relationship. How do you handle it if your partner gets triggered over you meeting up with a female friend, and how can you take steps to prevent that? Some men naturally have more female friends than male ones, or find it easier to connect with women in life than men (not just sexually, but emotionally). There's room for everyone in this conversation, and it's important to know how to get your own needs met and also honor those of your partner.

Many couples start out hot and heavy when it comes to sex, only to see that sexual heat fade. One of the sources of this can be unresolved sexual trauma in one or both partners ... which can be hard to talk about. How do you bring up your own need for a dynamic and fulfilling sex life when she clearly doesn't want to talk about it? Here, we look at the dynamic when your wife or girlfriend is a survivor of sexual trauma (child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault), how it affects your sex life, and what to do about it. If you're a man looking to figure out how to both support your woman in her sexual healing work, and how to speak up about your own need for a thriving sex life (which trauma is getting in the way of), you won't want to miss this.Books referenced in this episode:Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, by Peter Levine & Ann FrederickIn an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness, by Peter Levine & Gabor Mate

If you're a man who has sex with women, going down on women is not a topic you'd necessarily feel safe bringing up with other women in your life. So here's a peek behind the curtain in terms of what women want from oral sex -- what we love, what we crave, what gets us hot. Whether you're wanting to know how to go down on your wife or how to go down on a woman you just met, all the sexy cunnilingus gold can be found here.

"How do I get consent?" is a common question men who have sex with women have when it comes to sexy time. Even movie stars need help when it comes to presenting "sex" with consent and healthy boundaries. Did you know Intimacy Coordinators are a thing? They help actors, directors, and others shoot smokin' hot sex scenes that include healthy communication, consent, boundaries, and teamwork. Hearing from these two Intimacy Coordinators is both illuminating and encouraging, especially as they outline common differences between men and women when it comes to their needs and desires around sex, boundaries, and consent.

If you desire a fun, healthy relationship with hot, connected sex and harmonious teamwork, you can have it ... but it takes consciousness work to transcend the wounding of the past. You know you must become aware of how your parents shaped you, but did you know patterns from your grandparents and other forebears can also be involved? Here, Mark Wolynn of The Family Constellation Institute and author of It Didn't Start With You, But It Can End With You breaks down how to heal ancestral trauma. Whether you're married, in a relationship, dating, or single, this is a powerful episode that proves two things: 1. The wounding from our past will repeat itself until it's healed. 2. It absolutely can be. [Note: this episode was originally aired on Ben Gorski's podcast, The Evolving Man.]DROP-IN MEN'S GROUP THIS MONDAY, MAY 3 (referenced in the episode): https://evolutionary.men/event/drop-in-mens-group-5-03-21/

"My wife doesn't like sex." "Why isn't my wife attracted to me?" "How can I fix my marriage?" These are common questions for men in sexless marriages (psychologists a sexless relationship as one where sex happens 10x/year or less). If you're in a sexless marriage, it's likely taking a heavy toll on you. It's also hard to know what's normal, since we don't get a window into other people's relationships. But if you regularly find yourself anxious, depressed, stressed out, or numbing out due to your relationship -- it may not be normal. Listen for more on what kinds of boundaries are needed in a situation like this. Real talk: Not all marriages or relationships are healthy, and if you're in an unhealthy one, it may be time to end it.