Dear Men

Imagine going up to a woman you don't know and saying, straight up, "You're sexy." Can you picture it? Does it give you anxiety? Connell used to be a "nice guy," constantly relegated to the friend zone. But he didn't stay that way — his story is a fun and compelling example of what happens when you reclaim your sexuality and lean into your edges. If you want to become more powerful in your sex, dating, and relationship life, there are valuable lessons here. (And yes, his journey did involve going up to women and just putting it out there: "You're sexy!") As the author of Dating Sucks But You Don't, Connell also lays out some practical dating app profile advice for men here.

Ever wanted to spice up your sex life with some dirty talk? Connected sex leads to a happy, healthy relationship, and that can be enhanced by adding in elements like dirty talk during sex. But how do you actually do it? What do you say, and how do you bring it up with a partner? We cover all that, plus a super fun, sexy exercise you can do with your partner to kick things off (hint: it involves a blindfold, but not in the way that you think ... and all clothes can stay on). Whether you're single or in a dating relationship (or relationship or married), there's something here for you.

Most dating apps for straight folks have about 90% men and 10% women on them -- so the experience for men is often one of scarcity. (If you have trouble getting matches as a man, that's normal.) So wouldn't it be great if there were an app where you could go on 8 mini-dates in an hour and a half? Filter Off is a video-first dating app that helps you meet more people faster, and actually see and hear them before meeting up in person (you'll know if they actually look like their photos!). It's modern dating, streamlined. P.S. Based on this episode, I may run my very own dating event through Filter Off! Want to get in on that? Email me at dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com to get on the list.

If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you'll need to address your attachment wounds. We've all got 'em to one extent or another -- and yours may be more pronounced depending on your childhood. If you've been wanting to overcome anxious attachment (or avoidant attachment) because you're suffering in relationship (or dating), you'll appreciate this episode.Processing trauma as efficiently as possible requires you to include the body. Healing happens in the body, not just the mind. Somatic therapy like the one we discuss here (Network Spinal Analysis) helps your nervous system heal from anxious attachment, and more. Remember that you don't need to be perfect; you just need to be willing to grow so you can be present in sex, dating, or relationships now. Personal growth DOES work when you do the work. <3DROP-IN MEN'S GROUP COMING UP: Monday, June 14, 7:30pm PST $20 evolutionary.men/events

How do you stay in integrity when you have women friends, as a man in a monogamous relationship. How do you handle it if your partner gets triggered over you meeting up with a female friend, and how can you take steps to prevent that? Some men naturally have more female friends than male ones, or find it easier to connect with women in life than men (not just sexually, but emotionally). There's room for everyone in this conversation, and it's important to know how to get your own needs met and also honor those of your partner.

Many couples start out hot and heavy when it comes to sex, only to see that sexual heat fade. One of the sources of this can be unresolved sexual trauma in one or both partners ... which can be hard to talk about. How do you bring up your own need for a dynamic and fulfilling sex life when she clearly doesn't want to talk about it? Here, we look at the dynamic when your wife or girlfriend is a survivor of sexual trauma (child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault), how it affects your sex life, and what to do about it. If you're a man looking to figure out how to both support your woman in her sexual healing work, and how to speak up about your own need for a thriving sex life (which trauma is getting in the way of), you won't want to miss this.Books referenced in this episode:Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, by Peter Levine & Ann FrederickIn an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness, by Peter Levine & Gabor Mate

If you're a man who has sex with women, going down on women is not a topic you'd necessarily feel safe bringing up with other women in your life. So here's a peek behind the curtain in terms of what women want from oral sex -- what we love, what we crave, what gets us hot. Whether you're wanting to know how to go down on your wife or how to go down on a woman you just met, all the sexy cunnilingus gold can be found here.

"How do I get consent?" is a common question men who have sex with women have when it comes to sexy time. Even movie stars need help when it comes to presenting "sex" with consent and healthy boundaries. Did you know Intimacy Coordinators are a thing? They help actors, directors, and others shoot smokin' hot sex scenes that include healthy communication, consent, boundaries, and teamwork. Hearing from these two Intimacy Coordinators is both illuminating and encouraging, especially as they outline common differences between men and women when it comes to their needs and desires around sex, boundaries, and consent.

If you desire a fun, healthy relationship with hot, connected sex and harmonious teamwork, you can have it ... but it takes consciousness work to transcend the wounding of the past. You know you must become aware of how your parents shaped you, but did you know patterns from your grandparents and other forebears can also be involved? Here, Mark Wolynn of The Family Constellation Institute and author of It Didn't Start With You, But It Can End With You breaks down how to heal ancestral trauma. Whether you're married, in a relationship, dating, or single, this is a powerful episode that proves two things: 1. The wounding from our past will repeat itself until it's healed. 2. It absolutely can be. [Note: this episode was originally aired on Ben Gorski's podcast, The Evolving Man.]DROP-IN MEN'S GROUP THIS MONDAY, MAY 3 (referenced in the episode): https://evolutionary.men/event/drop-in-mens-group-5-03-21/

"My wife doesn't like sex." "Why isn't my wife attracted to me?" "How can I fix my marriage?" These are common questions for men in sexless marriages (psychologists a sexless relationship as one where sex happens 10x/year or less). If you're in a sexless marriage, it's likely taking a heavy toll on you. It's also hard to know what's normal, since we don't get a window into other people's relationships. But if you regularly find yourself anxious, depressed, stressed out, or numbing out due to your relationship -- it may not be normal. Listen for more on what kinds of boundaries are needed in a situation like this. Real talk: Not all marriages or relationships are healthy, and if you're in an unhealthy one, it may be time to end it.

Are you a late bloomer? When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, there's a perception that if you're a straight man, you should have sex ASAP, and with as many partners as possible. But the truth is, a lot of men in their 20s, 30s, and beyond are still virgins (or sexually inexperienced), and we don't talk about it enough. If this applies to you, there's nothing wrong with you. And you can move forward sexually if you want to — here's what to know in terms of overcoming shame, anxiety, or uncertainty around sex — and how to bring it up in an inviting way with a partner.

Ever been scared of your woman's anger, sadness, grief, or rage? It can be overwhelming and hard to handle when a woman fully expresses her feminine storm. The truth is, there are both toxic and healthy expressions and it's critical to know the difference. It's also important to know how to skillfully welcome even more emotion in your partner -- an advanced relationship practice that will lead to hotter sex, more intense intimacy, and ultimately a more free and joyful relationship.

Whether you're on Hinge, Bumble, OKCupid, Match.com, eHarmony, Coffee Meets Bagel or any of the other multitude of dating apps, you've likely experienced ghosting. Many of us have both been ghosted and been a ghost. Why? What's the motivation, and how does it affect dating and relationships? We get into all the sticky questions here around integrity, sexual desire, emotional dialogue, and honesty (& dishonesty).

How do you actually apply attachment theory to relationship, and how do you know when to get outside help (i.e. a couples therapist or coach)? The 2 top things couples argue about are sex and money, and handling that kind of conflict skillfully is challenging. Fortunately, while relationships (whether you're married or not) are complex, but they're not impossible. Here, we discuss uplifting research on attachment, and how it can provide more safety, comfort, and sexy time in romantic relationships.

It's a common relationship question, especially when a marriage isn't working: Should we stay together for the kids? Should I stay in this for the kids ... even if our sex life is dead? ... even if we fight all the time? Here, we explore the line between "making it work" and unhealthy relationship dynamics that do affect the kids. Sometimes the best thing to do is not to stay together, and there's an art to knowing when it's time to choose to exit in order to thrive -- and to role model thriving to your children.

Modern sex, dating, and relationships often Hinge on dating apps (see what I did there?). Whether you're on Bumble, Tinder, Match, eHarmony, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel, or, of course, Hinge, your experience will vary depending on a number of factors. Here, we get personal in terms of what we, as women, experience on the apps, and how men can get our attention in a good way.

The fear of being called creepy or viewed as a pervert, whether in a sexual scenario, while dating, or even in relationship, runs deep. It can reach levels of terror, especially for men who have gotten messages about their sexuality being "bad" or "wrong" since they were young. What do you do when the fear of being creepy prevents you from approaching women, and how do you address the fear proactively?

How does being bullied early in life affect your ability to trust and connect in sex, dating, and relationships later on -- and how can it actually make you more resilient? Three men share their powerful personal stories of not just surviving bullying, but how that experience has since shaped their relationships (with both men and women) as adults. Hint: You've heard of post-traumatic stress, but did you know post-traumatic growth is a thing?

Women want to feel fully emotionally expressed around men, but where's the line between expression and abuse? Here, we take on the issue of women sharing their truth with full power (whether that's their rage, disappointment, desire, or hurt) -- when it's healthy expression, and when it's abusive. Whether you're in a committed relationship like a marriage, a dating relationship, or a sexual one, this is important to know to be a healthy, aware, and conscious man.

Ever wished you could apply scientific principles to dating? Then you'll love this episode. Behavioral scientist and author of recent Amazon best-seller How to Not Die Alone, Logan Ury draws from social science on sex & relationships, as well as best practices from behavioral science to answer questions like:Should I give up on someone if I don't feel the "spark" right away? (i.e. not even go on a second date)What are the most important attributes I should look for if I want a healthy, happy relationship?How do I sort through all the many choices on the dating apps to find worthwhile matches? (This is especially interesting, since Ury now works for dating app Hinge)All this, plus Ury outlines the 3 different categories she has repeatedly seen in different daters (essentially the "3 types" of daters.) Which one are you? Whether you're single or in a couple at the moment, you'll get a lot out of this lively scientific discussion on sex, dating, relationships, and love -- and