Purely Nostalgia

Everyone knows that there are two things we hate on Purely Nostalgia: DRAMA and FAKE PEOPLE. We are so, so done with fake people. When people claim that their joyous morning song is what makes the sun rise? And then you find out they're lying when an evil rooster fights them and makes them forget to crow at the sun, but the sun comes up anyway? Ugh, we're over it. Honestly, fake people need to go. In this one, we examine Christopher Plummer's finest performance.

Since the dawn of time, there has been no bond more special than the bond between a boy and his toaster. It seems like in this day and age, people don't respect toasters they way they did in the olden days. If you have ever thrown away a toaster, shame on you. Shame on you. In this one, we play a rousing game of Four Degrees of Zendaya.

When director Marc Forster was consulting with the frozen, re-animated head of Walt Disney about his plans for a live action Winnie the Pooh movie, Disney's only request was that this movie NOT have Pooh's name in the title, because he knew that our friend Kelp would not be able to stop giggling at the name "Pooh". Even though the movie ended up being titled Christopher Robin, Kelp unfortunately found plenty of opportunities to giggle about poo during the recording of this episode. In this one, Max Keeble gets more than he bargained for.

For those of you who were disappointed with the sad lack of Antonio Banderas in Spy Kids: All the Time in the World, we have some great news: our boy is back, and this time he's a pirate named Burger Beard. Fortunately, his prior absence in our podcast's subject material has been remedied by the fact that he is in this movie WAY more than he should be. In this one, Bubbles steals the show.

Okay, we really did not intend for the tenth episode of our podcast to start out with so much discussion about fecal matter, but sometimes life surprises you. Eventually we did end up discussing the Spongebob Squarepants Movie, as well as David Hasselhoff's weird, unsettling body. In this one, Grandma Crime!

THE SCREENSLAVER INTERRUPTS THIS PROGRAM FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. DON'T BOTHER LISTENING TO THIS ONE. THESE DUMB IDIOTS DO NOT SAVE THE DAY. THEY ONLY POSTPONE THEIR DEFEAT. AND WHILE THEY POSTPONE THEIR DEFEAT, YOU EAT CHIPS AND LISTEN TO THEM INVERT PROBLEMS THAT YOU ARE TOO LAZY TO DEAL WITH. PODCASTERS ARE PART OF A BRAINLESS DESIRE TO REPLACE TRUE EXPERIENCE WITH SIMULATION. YOU DON'T TALK; YOU LISTEN TO PODCASTS. YOU DON'T PLAY GAMES; YOU LISTEN TO PODCASTS. TRAVEL, RELATIONSHIPS, RISK; EVERY MEANINGFUL EXPERIENCE MUST BE PACKAGED AND DELIVERED TO YOU TO WATCH AT A DISTANCE SO THAT YOU REMAIN EVER-SHELTERED, EVER-PASSIVE, EVER-RAVENOUS CONSUMERS WHO CAN'T FREE THEMSELVES TO TAKE OUT THEIR EARBUDS FOR A MOMENT TO BREAK A SWEAT, NEVER ANTICIPATE NEW LIFE. YOU WANT PODCASTERS TO PROTECT YOU, AND MAKE YOURSELVES EVER MORE POWERLESS IN THE PROCESS. WELL, YOU TELL YOURSELVES YOU'RE BEING 'LOOKED AFTER'. THAT YOU'RE INCHES FROM BEING SERVED AND YOUR RIGHTS ARE BEING UPHELD. SO THAT THE SYSTEM CAN KEEP ST

It's good! It's a good film! Finally! You could even say it's.... Fantastic! Wait, no, that's the wrong joke. Incredible, it's incredible. In this one, Eli does not respect Clint's theories.

We all had that one friend in 7th grade who wore a robe to school every single day. We all had to deal with that one bully who charged us money to pee.  We all saved an animal shelter from our evil school principal, while learning in the process that the real "big moves" were not the friends we made along the way, but the ones we already had to begin with. We all did all these things. We are all Max Keeble. In this one, one of us finally brings his flawless George W. Bush impression out of retirement.

What if Harry Potter but spies? Like, not wizard school, but spy school? Are you imagining that? Okay, now take that and make it a cartoon aimed at 7-year old kids, and also there is a Thumb-Thumb in it. That makes it a Spy Kids thing right? Now, what if it was also very much like Daniel Tiger? Spy Kids: Mission Critical is not very much like Daniel Tiger at all, but like, what if it WAS like Daniel Tiger? In this one, Deadpool finds religion.

Grab your scratch-and-sniff cards, kids! We're going on a journey into the fourth dimension with a film starring Jeremy Piven, Jeremy Piven, Jeremy Piven, Jeremy Piven, Jessica Alba, and Jeremy Piven. The fourth dimension is smell. Because that's what dimensions are. In this one, Daryl is on his very best behavior.

Spies are out, superheroes are in, dreams are real, lava is pink, and George Lopez is the only voice actor you need. Any questions? In this one, we fear Taylor Lautner's strength.

How many Sylvester Stallones did you want to be in your movie? Did you want four of him? Oh... oops, yeah, this one's definitely got four Sylvesters in it. Is that too many? Sorry, but I'm actually not allowed to take a Sylvester Stallone back over the counter once he's in the hands of the customer. It's just one of those annoying health code things. So those are all yours now. To paraphrase Douglas Young (the-movie-guy), "If you remember the movie `Tron', you will [hear] about the same thing in this one."

Okay, so now not only are the kids spies, but they're like, better at being spies than the adults? Like just as a general rule? And they can also give orders to the president. Okay, yes, this feels like a sequel to Spy Kids I guess. In this one, we disagree about slizzards and learn something about Derek Sbarro's romantic life.

Wait a second, you're telling me KIDS can be SPIES now? No way, dude. They're far too short, and they can't even say cuss words. In this one, we finally solve the mystery of what happened to Lisa Lohan.

In this mini-episode, Clint and Eli explain the premise of the show and announce the first series: Spy Kids! Purely Nostalgia will officially launch with Episode 1 on April 4th, releasing every other Wednesday!