Completely Seriously

We’re finally free from our Star Wars indentured servitude as the first season of The Mandalorian comes to an end. Joey makes Jose and Marisa cry, Marisa grosses out the boys, Mark prays for a bidet for Joey and Jose - our resident sword guy - expounds on some lightsaber science.

We’re back and feeling unsafe in our kinks with Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Listen close as Joey’s nose makes odd sounds, as Jose calls for the assassination of Chewbacca, as Marisa gets passionate about space horses and as Mark deems the cavern holes weak.

We’re tackling episodes 5 and 6 of The Mandalorian this week. Jose and Joey attack. Mark defends. Marisa is MIA on the desert planet Tatooine underneath her pile of blankets.

This week, it’s all dudes while Marisa’s off hunting Baby Yoda in a pile of blankets. We’re going all in against Baby Yoda, Mando’s weird body and overacting backwater cantina waitresses. Sip your space broth, choke down your weird blue fish and join us on our galactic quest of mediocrity.

Grab your hair eggs, your snack frogs and your God-made Rapture rifle, and join us as we cover the first two episodes of the Disney+ original Star Wars series The Mandalorian. We answer your most burning Star Wars questions: Did Yoda have a big dripping hog? Did he knock up a lady version of himself to give birth to Baby Yoda? Is the Mandalorian a Libertarian? And, finally, why the hell is Werner Herzog in this?

We’re going international this week with Parasite, the South Korean film that burrowed into the American consciousness and refuses to leave. Bong Joon-Ho did it again with his latest tale of family, fortunes and forgotten bunkers. Needless to say, spoilers abound in this episode. 

Not even technical difficulties or a solid 10 minute roast session can stop our discussion of the Netflix very original take on the King Henry the V story. Join us, your four syphilitic mad kings, as we cover the most original reimagining of a Shakespearean work–– yes, that DOES include Ethan Hawke’s Blockbuster based Hamlet and the beachy gun romance Romeo + Juliet.

This week we’re covering the weird, hamfisted mess of messages that is the Netflix original Tall Girl. It’s your classic tale of bullied girl meets boy, girl falls for a boy, girl ends up changing to suit boy and falling for another scrub. But the twist is she’s kind of tall. Wild stuff.

We’re ringing in Halloween with the 2014 snakebased classic The Taking of Deborah Logan. Join us for our tight analysis of snakes, spiritual parasites and mill architecture. Come for the horror movie chat, stay for the love letter to FourLoko Gold.

We bid a fond farewell to Sid Haig in this week’s discussion of 3 From Hell, Rob Zombie’s latest addition to the Firefly Family saga. Join us for a mad dash for freedom, a sloppy, swampy bacchanal at a Mexican hotel and a bonfire fit for a wrestler.

Yokel murderers turned cattle ranchers are on the run from the law in the second installment of Rob Zombie’s horror epic The Devil’s Rejects. This Two Towers of terror stares deep into the abyss, and three stinky murder clowns stare back.

We’re jacking off on that bell this week, with our first Sid Haig memorial episode. We’re tackling chicken/gas/sideshow economies and horror movie nostalgia in our discussion of Rob Zombie’s classic horror movie The House of 1,000 Corpses. Breakout you saddest text messages and join us down Dr. Satan’s Well to remember the legend that was Sid Haig.

We’re ringing in Spooktober with JOKER! We’re cracking into this comic book character study with all the gusto of a failed comedian. We’re gonna laugh, we’re gonna hack, we’re gonna settle, once and for all, where the Joker got these scars.

Do you remember Remember Me? Probably not, but we’re going to remind you about the romance, the tragedy, the mean dads and the jarring plot twist that changed cinema forever.

Your favorite, non-psychotic bullies are back to talk about the final chapter of It. Wade with us into the gray water of Derry, Maine’s stink pipes as we bully this interdimensional clown, decide who the hotter Skarsgård is and reiterate–– once again–– we will NEVER cut our hands and smoosh them together.

Crank the opera, play a game of “Hunt the Bride” with your weird, rich, new in-laws and join us our board game based coven as we talk about “Ready Or Not”

We’ve got a wild one for you this week, folks. We checked out the Netflix original Secret Obsession so you don’t have to. This movie will have you second guessing loved ones, questioning hospital privacy procedures and distrusting your choices in entertainment.

This week, Joe swears and sings. José cancels Joe. Mark schools Joe about books. Marisa remembers a big toe. Join the Completely Serious Squad as we dive into Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, the latest installment of nostalgia marketing run amok.

Put on your tiny kimonos, blend yourself up an entire pitcher of margaritas and settle onto your pool floatie. We’re covering Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon a Time in Hollywood in all of its stinky hippy glory.

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if Superman and Batman were godlike megalomaniacs? Us too. This week, Jose and his boys bust open Amazon’s The Boys like an explosive in a translucent super hero.