Broad Appeal

Sometimes a brown, gooey substance is sweet, delicious, even spiritual. But sometimes it’s actually just…. All the cacao in an ancient Mayan temple could not flavour this cynical, derivative Miramax joint from 2000 which somehow received five Oscar nominations, including BEST PICTURE??! Harvey Weinstein’s committed a lot of crimes, but aesthetically this one takes the fudge-filled (sludge-filled?) cake. Juliette is a mystical stranger who arrives in a fairytale French village - where everyone, even the French actors, somehow speak in English!! She’s got a daughter who sees imaginary kangaroos, some bon bons that can apparently change your sex life, and a spinning pagan disc that hypnotises everyone she meets into joining her cult… er, enjoying the pleasures of chocolate. Judi Dench slowly destroys her diabetic pancreas through constant truffle-eating, Johnny Depp listlessly invokes both the hairstyle and the accent of Bono, and Alfred Molina has nothing better to do during Lent than to lead a boycott against