Regular Features

Can YOU guess a guy? Find out in this week's episode! While you come up with your answers, here's what else: Log reflects on turning 50. Steve has a poem to say at you. Matt's thought of one thousand baby names. And Joe does the guessing of a guy.

We love you readers. Happy new year.

If your Christmas tradition isn't playing this podcast at full volume, directly into your nan's increasingly ecstatic face, then we don't even want you listening to it. She'd love Gav's story about over-paying a tailor. She'd swoon to hear Secret Santana's latest return. She'd nod vigorously when Matt laid bare the world of aviation. She'd clap like a seal at Log's recantation of The Box of Delights. And she'd cry herself into the grave at the fact that Steve wasn't there. EAT UP, GRANDMA.

This is a public service announcement. Thousands of horses die needlessly giddy every year. That's why you should always tell your horse to "giddy down" after it's done giddying up. Around the world today, countless horses are locked in a heightened state of giddy, having been recklessly told to "giddy up" by their enthusiastic riders, but never having had the counteractive phrase "giddy down" lovingly whispered into their giddy big ears back at the stable at bedtime. In some of the most extreme cases, actually, we've seen dead horses who've been 10x or 20x giddied by careless riders, their horpse corpses still audibly teeheeing from the residual gid. And their owners? Nowhere to be seen, unbelievably. But you can be change all that. In this episode, Log becomes a groomsman and Steve does a feature!

Oh, don't go into that cupboard. Don't you dare open *that* cupboard. You won't like what we keep in *that* one. Oh no, no, no. That's where we keep the features. You oughtn't spill any of those. What if you got Joe's impression of Ronnie O'Sullivan all down the lino? What if you drank a bit of Gav's journeys with a confusing taxi driver? And what if Log got out? He might tell you about a horrible time in a gym! Oh goodness no, close that cupboard now and don't think about it for a second longer. Have a plum. That'll calm you down. Locker image: “open 19”, by Rupert Ganzer, licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 DEED

If you have the hiccups, here is a tried and tested method for ridding yourself of the condition, cited by over one hundred old wives. 1. Stand on a railway arch 2. Listen to episode 548 of Regular Features 3. Marvel at Joe's loving obliteration of The Americans 4. Quickly write down the URL of Steve's new favourite charity 5. Stifle a gasp at Log's many confessions 6. Put on your squirrel suit and jump Your hiccups will be gone because you didn't practice squirrel suiting and are at LEAST maimed.

When all you've got is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Stuck in traffic? Nail. Deadline to meet? It's a nail. Hungry? Better believe that's a nail. Worried that your only possession in the entire world, the sum total of your life achievements, the only thing your children will inherit when you die of hammer-related injuries, is a hammer? Oh yeah, that's a freakin nail alright. In this episode, Joe wishes the new Smyths Toys television ad was a lottle bit longer. And Log explores the supposedly universal things people say to one another to give them an excuse to be horrible baddies. Steve's here too. There's a great bit about a crow in there! Nine out of ten episode this one.

Gather round, gather round. No stop, that's too much gathering. Disperse... A little more... A little more. Well now you're far too dispersed, aren't you? You're gonna wanna give me just a hint more gathering. Woah woah woah, now you're even more gathered than the first time. So much for the wisdom of crowds, ya tightly packed throng o' boneheads. In this very chatty episode of Regular Features, Gav recounts the tale of our annual trip to the most happening Halloween party this side of Godalming. Steve hosts a "guess the TV theme tune" quiz in lieu of actually doing a feature. And Joe turns informant for anyone who'll listen. "Onion Capers" and "Newer Wave" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

In this episode, Steve tells the terrifying tale of a coupla big city teenage dirtbags who finally get what's coming to them. Log learns the exact sequence of verbs and nouns that makes Thorin Oakenshield cradle you in his greasy dwarf arms in classic ZX Spectrum text adventure The Hobbit (1982), thereby cracking a four decade old puzzle that would have, had it been solved at the time, catapulted his eight year old body into a half-dozen simultaneous gay puberties. Joe is here too, making all manner of contributions.

This week we return to The Canal Cafe Theatre for a live show! Because it's live, we might sound a bit shitter than usual or refer to something we can see on stage. YOU can fix one of those thing by watching the video version on our YouTube channel. WE can fix the other thing by kicking off with the sound guy. Listen to the podcast! https://regularfeatures.com/ Support the podcast, get a BEE NAME: https://www.patreon.com/regularfeatures

In this episode, Log rediscovers his love of music by ordering vinyl records from a spooky owl, and Joe is smitten with thyssenkrupp's floating aeroplane corridor gantry jobbies. Steve is here too, technically. (They're call jet bridges, I looked it up. Jet bridges! Like Jeff Bridges' cooler, more articulated brother. Hello, I'm Jet Bridges. If you want to get on this Airbus A380, you gotta climb through my guts first).

Shopping list: - 2 beans - 2 kilos Freddos - A egg - One feature about a traffic stop in Candyland - One feature where Wolf Blitzer can identify Friends episodes - One feature that is a poorly hidden pretext for us having YOUR house - A another egg "NewsSting" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

You've heard of good podcasts, now get ready for fast podcasts. That's right, in this very special and speedy episode of Regular Features, Joe, Log and Steve will pepper your naked body with a quickfire hail of what science is calling "Actual Micro-Features". It's like we are feature Scarfaces, and the features are the bullets, and you are an entire Bolivian drugs cartel bent on revenge. Any smaller, and these features would be a sort of inhalable mist. And that simply wouldn't do, now would it? Say hello to our little features.

You are in a egg. Oh it is such a big a egg. But you want to be free of a egg. You crack open the tippy-top of a egg. Oh! It is so bright! It is so frightening! Perhap you would prefer to stay in a egg. But then your eyes adjust to the light of the world that is not a egg. You see three faces. They are lovely faces, all shaped like a egg. One face is called Steve. He says he will tell you the shipping news, and about an indiscretion with his junk in a park. Another face is called Joe. He regales you about yoghurt. What is yoghurt? Is it also from a egg? The final face is called Log. He tells you about his haunted house, Blyth Manor - and that it contains a egg. A egg! You must leave. You must leave a egg to find out more about all the a eggs around. It is time.

I'm hungry so this will be a short description. In this one, Joe fixes some (very) badly behaving dogs. Steve invite us for a sleepover with "the king of cool" Mister Dean Martin. Log observes us from afar using a telescope. I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry help

You can keep your Emily Maitlises and your Frost/Nixons, because Regular Features is finally pivoting to hot hot politics. In fact, we are the only politics podcast that doesn't have a Krishnan Guru-Murthy constantly riding around on an electric scooter in the background, and that's a Regular Features promise. In this episode, Log introduces us to the Republican Party presidential candidate nominees, thanks to a couple of hypnotic lanyards he found under his pillow one morning. Steve tries to help out his old friend Roger Helmer MEP with a professional calf massage. Remember to vote or something.

This episode is dedicated to the legendary broadcaster Michael "Champ" Parkinson, whom we love. Joe processes his grief with a feature about Lord Fauntleroy, Steve deals with his emotions by securing some much needed funding from a cruise company. Gav projects his feelings of anger on to a smoking neighbour. This episode is sponsored by Cunard Cruises.

Hey, you know how a demure Helen O'Connell asks Dean Martin how he likes his eggs in the morning (in the hit song "How D'ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning"), and how it should be pretty obvious to everybody that she's coyly inviting him to stay the night? But then a horny and oblivious Dean Martin keeps replying with "I LIKE MINE WITH A KISS" and "REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT EGGS, JUST GOTTA GET MY FREAKIN KISSES" and later, "I WILL TRANSFORM INTO AN ANGRY MONSTER IF IT'S JUST EGGS AND WE DON'T ACTUALLY SHAG BTW". And then people in the 1950s were like, damn that guy's cool. Let's nickname him "The King of Cool" for that. Let's put him in a Rat Pack for that. It's just something to think about! In this episode, Steve shares his favourite scene from hot kitchen drama The Bear, Joe remasters a beloved racket-and-ball sports series, and Log attempts to get his texts read out on 6 Music. Gav is there, making sure we all behave. Thanks!

bushel [ˈbʊʃ(ə)l] NOUN, BRITISH A measure of capacity equal to 8 gallons (equivalent to 36.4 litres), used for corn, fruit, liquids, etc. Definitely NOT just a small bush. de Groot [də кнrōt′] NAME, DUTCH The sexiest group of adventurers, inventors, sportspeople and all-round hotpot yummydaddies in all of western Europe and possibly THE GLOBE. Get a load of de Groots in your peepers and you'll be on the floor kicking a leg like a tickled pooch.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was letting Joe smell the well again, putting a picture of a transparent mouse in front of Steve, and giving Log unprecendented access to the private communiqués of Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg. Oo that Devil, he's got a nerve on him, I'd like to truss him up and say, "try doing that again, Satan, when you're all covered in ropes and my personal slime! Go on! Try it, love!!!"