Regular Features

Readers! No! Get away from that. You can't have that, it's poison. It's poison to readers. You wouldn't like it. In this episode, Steve got a mpox jab, Joe got a birthpaper, and Log starts sleeping in his talk. Wow.

We do our best, and so do you. Good. Good you!!! In this episode, Steve talks frankly too much about his trip to America. And Log embarks on a mission to be "read out" on the radio.

We can't keep meeting like this!! In this episode, Joe wonders what would happen if you did a wet space in orbit. Log ponders on Andrew Tate's beautiful penis. Steve recounts the time we went to the Olympics... and won!

Knock knock, open wide, see what's on the other side. Knock knock, any more, come with me through the magic door... of Regular Features! In this episode, Log finds out once and for all who dogs love the most, then reveals some behind-the-scenes gossip about the hit new videogame Thank Goodness You're Here. Steve addresses the Simmons in the room.

And where do you think you've been these past four weeks? Think you can come slinking back into our lives like nothing's happened? That things would be the same again? Well you're right, and we forgive you. But DON'T let it happen again. In this episode, Log catches up with people we've agony aunted, Joe devises some cool new tech for food, and Steve put a ring on it and got a ring put on him, in a ring-putting ceremony theologians are calling "unlikely".

I scream. You scream. We all scream. And for what? What was the point of all that screaming? This ice cream? This lowly creeeaam? Pfft. I don't see what's so great about this ice cream that you're all screaming wild about it. Here, let me taste some. Oh... oh wow... AARGGRGHHHHHH. In this episode, Steve gets all ringed up. Joe learns the secrets of inter-animal hypnosis. And Log gets back to basics with a classic Doctor Who script.

Wets here! Get your wets. Fresh wets. Only the finest wets. Just came in this morning. Low low prices. Affordable wets for the family. You sir, want wets? Well you can't have one. No wets for you. Don't even look at my wets. In this episodes, Log meets a yummy mummy. Joe meets a juice fanatic. And Steve overhears the pope dropping some f-bombs near an archdeacon.

Excuse us, we got hoovered into a big tornado but we're back now. In this episode, Joe does a feature all about Steve's stag do. Log does a feature all about Steve's stag do. And Steve, well you'd never guess, but he does a feature about a time cop.

This week Matt, Steve and Gav drank precisely 4 pints of lager and got into a room to record a podcast together. What is this, 2013??

If you don't know what we're talking about in your episode, that's actually on you, because you haven't done the research. Joe's discussing his very personal view on a smash hit television series everyone except Log and Steve has hopefully seen. Log, meanwhile, hopes you're au fait with a 1970s album that DOESN'T include Diana Ross. Steve stand, blinking and confused, amidst all of the above.

JUMP! For my love. JUMP IN! And feel my touch. Please, wife, you have to jump now before it's too late. The cruise ship is sinking and this is the last lifeboat. If you don't jump, I'll float away and you'll be left to drown alone on that cursed boat. So, if you want to taste my kisses in the night, or ever again, my sweet love, then... JUMP! In this episode, Joe is horrified to learn the true meaning behind the 1990 glam rock FILTH anthem "Cherry Pie". Steve wakes up from a nap to discover three-time Grammy award winner Dua Lipa has become trapped inside his walls. And Gav is here too, making a big hoo-hah over nothin'.

"Stop, Children, what's that sound?" Let me stop you right there, Buffalo Springfield, because I think I know the answer to this one. "That sound" is Episode 562 of Regular Features. And you know what? It very nearly wasn't. This is an unusual episode, in that it survived the total post-recording elimination of one participant, "Log", thanks entirely to "Log". This is the Little Podcast That Survived. It is a perfectly lovely Frankenstein of an episode. If you were a Lady Frankenstein, I reckon it'd be right up your street. If you *are* a Lady Frankenstein, and you want me to put you in touch, please send an SAE marked "I promise not to scream when Episode 562 calls me FRIEND, sending it into a suicidal rage" to WE BELONG DEAD PO Box 562 Ashby De La Zouch Thanks for being you. (Unless you're awful) Features Scheming Weasel by Kevin McLeod off of Incompetech.com

Well, I ate the whole thing. Shrug emoji! In this episode, Joe brings us to the aid of an ailin' 'n' flailin' maestra flautist, Gav discovers a hidden side effect of jelly boy bonification, and Steve delves deep into the Regular Features agony auntsack.

Did you know that the famous advertising slogan "got milk?" was almost something very different? Originally the tagline for milk was going to be "gimme da heffer wets, brother", until a marketing executive decided the phrase was too long to be coherently burped into a mother's face after downing the last pint of refreshing milk, straight from the fridge. In this episode, Steve imagines what it must like to be a ravenous baby. And Log's pub got incredibly wet for an afternoon, compelling him to seek an untroubled life of solitude among the pines. Pump it up.

We're back! Sorry we've been away for a while, it's because we are actually dead now. Yeah we died. Sorry! In this episode, Matt sees a waxy head in a box. Steve shares a special moment with Jedward near some garlic. And Log tastefully designs each of our funerals. We'll be back with regular episodes from exactly now on. PLEASE. YOU MUST FORGIVE.

Joe and Gav are now fully fledged magicians and they took their latest trick to the Blackpool Magic Convention to see if they could fool some fellow conjurers.

We can't keep meeting like this. In this episode, Joe finally brings Great British advertising to the hallowed American Superbowl. Log slips into a Helen-inspired reverie. Steve reads an excerpt from Bradley Wigginseses autobiography.

Here at Regular Features, we like to barge our way through old hotel doors and stumble into the room to find nothing but an open window and a fluttering curtain, then saying "he's gone", before YOU, our trusty sidekick, spots a hat on the hatstand and says "well wherever he's gone.. he's not wearing his hat". That's just how we like to do things, as you well know. In this episode, Log imagines what it might be like when eventually Laurence Fox leaves us all behind. Matt sets out to invent an entire arts and crafts movement. And Steve's friend deals with news of an impending vape ban. Ready!?

They say you can't get better than a Kwik Fit fitter, but I once saw a Kwik Fit fitter walk through a plate glass window in Letchworth Garden City. If that's honestly the best we've got, we might as well surrender to Belgium tomorrow and be done with it. In this TRAVEL SPECIAL episode, Gav is bulled off a swing, Log takes a much needed vacation to Shrewsbury, and Steve is upset by the weird woofing sound that planes sometimes make.

Excuse me? Excuse me. Please may I be excused. You must excuse me now. Oh no I've excused myself into my shorts. That's your fault, that is, actually, for not excusing me quickly enough. Now I've got excuses all down my legs. Excuse YOU, more like. In this one: Steve solves the XL Bully crisis gripping da nation. Joe drops some fresh Saltburn beats. Also the AI episode art is just a joke from the episode, we're not horrible.