Regular Features

Oh look at that pie on the windowsill! Why not take a bite? Mother will never know. Surprise, baby, you just ate FEATURES. Now you've got an acute case of the GIGGLES, idiot.

Steve sings a Christmas classic, Gav gives a windy tour of his hometown, Matt celebrates the legacy of Gaz Coombes, Log is having a bloody awful week, and Joe wants to get you in the NEW YEARS MOODS.

We bought a load of dead celebrities off eBay and ate them. Think that sounds sad? Well, it is. Please give us money so we can buy more celebrity ash: https://www.patreon.com/regularfeatures

A Christmas Live Show! (Video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hTZIstky2s ) Steve revisits The House of Kramble, Log takes a journalistic deep-dive into the shadowy world of Bingo, Matt sings a lovely Christmas song, and Santana returns with the spirit of festive cheer, which he illegally stole from a nursing home in Stoke.

2 boys, 5 features, no borders, one love, 99 luftballons. CHRISTMAS LIVE SHOW! 11th DECEMBER! BUY! https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507

Hey grumblecakes, why you lookin' so down? Perhaps you'd like to drape this hot towel of a podcast over your face and allow our comedy steam to open your audience pores? Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you. You'd like the evaporating fun to cool your listener skin, and create a pleasant sensation known only as THE NICE TIMES. Steve is back from Galapagos, Log is Royal Marriage Mad, and Gavin spoke to a woman who was very complimentary about our trade. Would you please come to our CHRISTMAS LIVESHOW SPECIAL? All the freakin' details are here, and there aren't many tickets left. We're expecting you! canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507

Travel back to 2002 for a song lyric examination, then back to 2017 for some bang up-to-date film reviews, and then to the FUTURE OF MUSHROOMS. Whew, you must be exhausted! Why not kick back and relax by paying us money to watch us do a CHRISTMAS LIVE SHOW on the 11th December: https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507

Steve cruelly turned down a job as Gav and Joe's Associate Hot Ass Provider - but we've headhunted a new candidate with the hottest ass in Nottingham. Will he make the grade??? Our next live show is a Christmas Special, and it is extra special because we forgot to book the theatre, so it's on the SECOND Monday of the month - December 11th. Please come: https://canalcafetheatre.com/

We're sorry it's late, it's just that we're absolute idiots. SPOOKS! CUBAN DANCE RHYTHMS! SHOE FETISHISM! SWAN MURDER! REGULAR FEATURES? REGULAR FEATURES.

Whoa nelly! That's a big pumpkin. What is it, full of SOULS? That's just the kind of exciting garbage you can expect on this, a thrilling 2nd November special. You think the No Sleep podcast is good? *waits for response* Well they're a paper boat baby, and we just jumped into the pond, screaming and farting. Let's listen to this!

A prodigal Joe gives everyone a strange Japanese potion, which sends the podcast freewheeling into a debilitating, but entirely legal, erotic reverie. There's a feature about Gremlins and another about Nixon doing a crime with a space shuttle, but both are overshadowed by a pervading and all-consuming sense of engorgement. We're so sorry. A live show you say? November 6th - www.canalcafetheatre.com

Steve holds fort as Gav rides around Italy on a mean old hog and Log dispenses Nottingham-wisdom, an oxymoron if ever there was one, am I right *opens Google Maps*... SHEFFIELD? Come to our next live show! www.canalcafetheatre.com

Is this the end of Quantick Meridian?! Where are the Chilean miners now?! Does Gav finally get the twatting he deserves?! Find out the answers to these questions and more in this week's episode. Come watch us do this nonsense live on November: https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507

Gav, Joe, Log and Steve perform exactly 11 features. Sound impossible? Shut up, you don't know ANYTHING. Can you even imagine what it must be like to be in that crowd? If not, you should buy a ticket to our November 6th show huh huh? https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507

Have you ever noticed how much 'Mogg' sounds like 'Log'? And how both of them *kinda* sounds like cob? Good, innit? Come see our live show on Monday the 2nd: https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507

This is what happens when Joe n Gav sit too close to each other for 13 hours every day. Luckily, Matt was on hand with an actual feature about some space gun game. Come see us LIVE on the 2nd of October: https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507

Joe takes us on a journey of TFL joy, Technology Journalist Steven Hogarty explains the hot new features on the iPhone X, and Kenrod Basillica interviews the latest musicians on the musician scene.

- Steve: Read parental pornography - Joe: Lied about Bake Off - Matt: Plagiarised Sliders - Log: Attacked an allergic man with Nutella The charges were all dropped. Nice picture by @GaryDooton. GO AWAY.

On this week's episode, Gav reveals some American football naughtiness while Steve n Log get all hot n bothered by the continuing adventures of Quantick Meridian. If you fancy coming to see our live show on September 4th: https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507

Log n Steve bring the funnies while Joe n Gav kidnap their colleague Alanah who celebrated her birthday with the boys in an abattoir. You can follow Alanah here: https://twitter.com/Charalanahzard Get yourself a ticket to the next live show on September 4th: https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507