Regular Features

In this episode of Regular Features, Log's been playing the hip new rocket propelled grenade Final Fantasy 16. Steve's been caught dumping aspartame into all your favourite sugar free drinks. And Joe's found a prudish new sponsor who'll take us from curse... to worse!

If you can't handle me at my hurdy, you don't deserve me at my gurdy. In this one, Steve heads underwater to discover treasures untold. Joe comes head to head with a devil baby. Log submits his video will.

Who wants to hear a podcast about a gym botherer and a towel muncher? And also with a dash of tooth lover??

Left with a Succession-shaped void where his guts and arse used to be, Joe takes the hit HBO series to the West End where it always belonged. And Log puts the "fancier" into "yeah your pigeon's pretty fancy I guess, but mine is fancier. Hey wait, is that man riding a Shire horse over there? Come back, I have a comparison to make with you! Giddy up Sugarlump, my introverted pony. He's getting away!" Steve is here too, though you wouldn't guess it from the complete lack of features on the lad. Have aviary nice day.

This week's episode comes directly from Joe's Stag Do. A stag do is where boys go to do podcasts, and we highly recommend it, especially to you, MISSUS. Gav quizzes Joe on the likes, dislikes, and historic whereabouts of his fiancée. Steve writes a poem to rival that one about your parents being bad for your bonce. Log commits horrors with language alone.

Think of a breakfast meat. Now think of a member of the royal family. You were thinking of Black Pudding Camilla weren't you? No? Oh right, then you must have been thinking about the big man himself, ol' Charlie boy and his beautiful sausage fingers, each one inflated to 240PSI and fit to burst at the knuckles. Log has done a feature all about what it must be like to be those fingers. Steve's been humming a little song about beans all day. Joe attends, clutching his pearls and screeching uncontrollably.

Come, come inside my fortune telling tent young man, or is it young woman? My wizened old crone eyes can't see too well these days. What... "crone"? No, no it's fine, I can say it because I am one, it's our word. No, yeah I know it's rooted in misogyny. We're reclaiming it, sort of like "queer". Oh god sorry I didn't realise you were queer. Oh god I've said it again. Right, turn over your cards. There. You'll meet a tall handsome stranger on a blimp, now get out of my tent. In this two-boy fiasco of an episode, Steve gets into an argument with his neighbours about dog wets. Joe takes Red Dead Redemption 2 to the westest end there is: West End. Welcome to Your Westworld (ID 1334) -Remastered by Lobo Loco is licensed under a Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

I am REALLY gassy right now. Log does Mandalorian via Pussy Pals. Steve does meat of the week. Matt been stench in p*******. God, I am so gassy.

Here it is! Somehow Joe and Gav got invited back to the British Kebab Awards to report from the frontlines on all the going ons from the biggest night of the meat calendar. justgiving.com/donate-a-doner If you enjoyed this episode please consider donating to the incredible Donate-a-Doner charity to help the victims of the earthquake that affected Syria and Turkey.

Hoik up your britches and join us in the Regular Features tide pool, but mind you don't step on a hermit crab or one of those cool wet slugs. They were here first and we are their guests in the tide pool. We must always remember that the wet slug is our hostess. Write it down. Write down in your copybook that the wet slug is your hostess before you get into the tide pool. In this episode, Joe is visited by a Babadook who wants to set the record straight. And Steve's received a newsletter from Roger Helmer with some top ideas about where to house asylum seekers. Log? Well, Log attended. He was *there*. You can't take that away from him.

Right on the heels of Episode 522 - it's Episode 523! 522 has ducked into a back alley in an attempt to escape the inevitable, but 523 has locked onto their scent. 522 looks around for anything they could use as a weapon, as the slobbering 523 approaches, dragging its lame, smoky leg across the hot cobbles. It's been injured in the chase, and 522, for the first time, notices a sense of profound sadness in its lumbering gait. It takes no pleasure from this process. It is simply how things must be. It is no consolation. 522 rattles the wire fence at the end of the alleyway, more out of a sense of dramatic spectacle than any hope of escape. They can feel their fight draining, their joints stiffening: they had nine days, longer than perhaps they should have had. 523 squirms and twists through the puddles like a fleshy ampersand, and wraps its shapeless mouth around 522's bare feet. After just hours of mute protest, 522 is devoured. 523 must rest for now. Tomorrow it will dance, and drink, and truly taste -

No, it's not the Kebabbies episode just yet. That meaty boy is still percolating in our collective guts, and it will come blasting out at you when you and we least expect it. In this one, Log has been spitting rhymes in Assassins's Creed Valhalla, Joe has been measured to within an inch of his life at the tailor, and Steve was moved to burps by Brendan Fraser's Oscars speech.

When you wish upon a star, does it come true? It hasn't for me, so far. I'm only asking to test the "makes no difference who you are" hypothesis. I mean it'd be a *bit* annoying if we've all been sucked in by an international wish-granting scam. But it'd be absolutely galling if I was the only sap diligently facing his wish mat towards Orlando and NOT getting his fondest wish granted. (My fondest wish, in case you were wondering, is to see a punk help an old lady cross the road in Piccadilly Circus, like they used to in the '80s.). If you HAVE had a wish granted on a star, the Kilroy team would like to talk to you. In this two-boy lesstravaganza, Steve has had his nail bit to shreds by a friend's dog, and Log has noticed a very old song leaves uses frustratingly vague language with regards to the villain of the piece: to wit, who left that cakey boy all out in the wet wets? It's his hackiest bit yet! (I'm allowed to say that, I am him) Meanwhile, If you want to read a blog written by a Christian in 2010 th

Do you think they added the "and decorator" bit to "painter and decorator" because people kept accidentally booking watercolourists to come in and do the spare room? Like these painters kept showing up with their easels, and the person's like, "you won't be needing that buddy-boy, here's some Farrow & Ball", and then we cut to the Tate Modern and there's a contractor rolling a second undercoat on to a Rothko while the guards try to rugby tackle him. Anyway in this one Joe overhears a fleshy conversation on the tube. Steve's been to see ABBA Voyage. Gav has a Kebab Awards update.

Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma'am. Yes, thank you for participating in the annual whamming and bamming contest. Now who's next. Wham! Thank you sir, but I'm afraid you're disqualified. You forgot to bam. No you can't go again. In this one, Log finds romance in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Joe investigates our disappearing kebab retweets. Steve eats a Dorito. Thanks! "Tenebrous Brothers Carnival - Act Two" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Hello, this is your phone speaking. I just wanted to say that it's real nice and cosy inside your pocket. I bet you thought I'd say it stinks of coins and thighs, but that's just your inner critic trying to trip you up again. You're your own worst enemy, when you gotta be your own biggest cheerleader, cos there aint anyone else around here who's gonna do it, except for maybe your housekeys. Hello this is your housekeys. Gimme a Y. Gimme a O. Gimme a U. That's spells YOU. As in YOU are amazing. Thanks for putting me in your pocket with your phone. I'm going to ruin the GorillaGlass while I think about how brilliant you are. In this episode, Log is a professional videogames voice actor now. Gav is offered a genuine-y boda-fide-y Blue Tick. And Steve has a coincidence happen on him. Get ready!

Welcome to the far future, where Blobbies buy you on eBay. Frightened yet? Well listen to Regular Features and feel a lot nicer about yourself.

Prince Harry's tadger keeps transporting him into realms of reveries, and we simply can't get enough.

This week we go back to bible times and learn about syrups and Log has a new enemy. Please retweet this so that we can go to the Kebab Awards again please: https://twitter.com/RegularFeatures/status/1552632683787952130

This week we bring back a forgotten tradition of the podcast - The Holiday Ramble.