Regular Features

Matt fails to understand the science behind medical technology and tries to replace it with half-baked whimsy, Steve and Gav have an argument about the Jurassic World trailer that sort of stems from nowhere and doesn't initially appear to be a proper feature, and Log pretends to be angry in the back of a taxi - ALL IN SEQUENCE FOR YOUR EAR-BASED PLEASURE.

Lift up your jumper and slap your belly to the beat of the rhythm of heart of the night, because it's a one-off voicemail special that's all about YOU. That's right! YOU, the READER, are the star of the show as we read out the voicemail messages you left on our website not seven months ago. Did you think we'd forgotten about that? Hah, no way! Have some faith, we're beginning to think you doubting Jennies don't deserve our magical one-off voicemail specials.

What do Log and Steve both have in common with the friendly and hard-working bee? Well, just like the bee, both Steve and Log cannot drive a car to any sort of standard that the law would term "basically competent". Also like a bee, Steve and Log can only sting you once before dying. :( In this motoring special, Steve recounts the story of how he failed his first driving test, while Log presents a revealing exposé of the special class for murderous speed freaks he was required to attend in order to avoid having points on his licence. Matt, having sadly not received the memo, does a feature about bees.

"Who wants a Ding Dong?!" Haha! Classic Regular Features. But if you don't know what a Ding Dong is or who's offering you one or whether you want one, then you probably missed our GameCity live show last weekend. Luckily for YOU, we have recorded it on 2D soundribbon, ready to be barked back into a three dimensional noisewave by the speaker system of your choice. What happened? Well, Log reunited the readers with some obscene and long lost friends, Steve cleared up precisely what happened when Roger Helmer visited a sex dungeon, Gav determined if the audience have a drinking problem while Matt measured jugs of our piss for science and entertainment.

In this episode of the podcast that is called Regular Features, Steve fleshes out the Wikipedia entry for Chain Reaction, while Gav tells the story of a man whose flesh is out in Wales. Which one results in an anti-social behaviour order? You'll have to listen to find out! Log and Matt also contribute, heroically.

Gav appoints himself CEO of the podcast and listens to a sexy merchandise pitch from Matt as Steve decides that poor old Roger Helmer's had enough. There's also some stuff about murders.

In this episode we finally investigate and uncover Matt Lees's intense hatred of widows, a full woman-blasting fury so all-consuming that he even hates windows, both for sounding a bit like "widows" and for allowing widows to look through walls, something Matt believes they should not be allowed to do, considering what they are. Gav also tells the story of how he first met Log, and Steve provides the floundering #gamergate movement with some out of context audio ammunition. Eat it up, sucka.

Matt prepares a humble speech for an award ceremony he can't attend, Gav follows a stranger around an awful art exhibition, and Steve investigates the chilling world of Boots product reviews.

They're big, they're long, they've all got massive schlongs! Regulaaaaaar Featurrrrrres! Steve risks his life to illegally drive a car, Log's dog is acting up and God only knows what Matt was talking about but it goes on for AGES.

Well crumbs and titties, it turns out that Team Features couldn't get together to record a podcast this week, and now, without our combined energies to stabilise it, the power crystal at the heart of our fortress shines wanly. It's wan as balls and no mistake. To appease the podcast spirits and rejuvenate our withered life force we've instead put together a very spesh compilation episode made up of features from the past. That's right, when we repeat features and contravene the founding rules of our own podcast, we really go for it.

Literally no idea what happened in this one. Sorry.

Hey, did you know? There are exactly as many members of Regular Features as there are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Our weapon proficiencies roughly match up too. Log, for example, is *such* a Michelangelo, but rather than using dual nunchucks he prefers to fight with a bo staff, which you'll note is typically the weapon used by Donatello. Besides that one discrepancy we are identical in every way.

Three out of the four chaps perform live guff with the aid of an ACTUAL ROBOT. Worth watching in video form, if you'd like to do such a thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFyx6Xp4zDI&feature=youtu.be

Steve reinvents #travelawks, Gav gives sage advice to the world, Matt finds literature on the tube, and Log commentates full Olympic-grade sex between him and Steve, causing members of the live audience to physically leave.

Matt arrives back from America with tales about how he played around with bombs and Obama, Gav wants to clarify social etiquette regarding cafes and cups of tea, and Steve is trapped in an unending nightmare that even the King's greatest wizards seem unable to prevent. Will our adventurers find the crystal and save Steve from the nightmare realm? Find out in Issue #2.

All rules are off in this bleak and lawless post-centenary comedown, as Log's audacious series of Doctor Who scripts skirts the closest we've yet come to repeating a feature. Meanwhile Gav plomps through a timehole to the 1950s, returning with a lovely story about how people are shit. Also! Tombola time! We spin the prize tombola and give away an incredible sack of goodies to one of our beautiful patrons! Who could it be? Could it have been you? It almost certainly could have been! You can support Regular Features on Patreon by visiting http://www.patreon.com/regularfeatures if you like! (YOU DO LIKE)

It was never meant to be like this: we were going to have a meet-up with some Patrons (and associated freeloaders), then retire to a room after closing time to have a private podcast in a lovely shut pub. Instead, we got so excited that we ended up doing a spontaneous live show. So here is Episode 100, in all its hastily rewired and hard-to-fathom majesty - LIVE from the Darts Room of The King Billy pub on Manvers Street, Nottingham! Matt pores over our early Google Hangouts from 2011, Steve relives a feature that was lost, back in the day when we regularly deleted podcasts, Gav finds out how much we've learned about each other on our long and gruelling journey to 100, and Log reads through the titles of all 100 Police Academy movies. You can support Regular Features on Patreon by visiting http://www.patreon.com/regularfeatures if you like! (YOU DO LIKE)

As we speed faster and faster towards our glorious Regular Features centenary, we unceremoniously stall the podcast engine, forcing us to pull over on to the information superhighway's hard shoulder for this very special emergency prolongation episode. Steve, Gav and infrequent interloper Joe Skrebels dish up an echoey slice of audio to tide you over until next week. It's niney nine poin nine, ladies, so slop it up. You can now support Regular Features on Patreon, if you like: www.patreon.com/regularfeatures

Would you like a flake with this shit joke, sir? No? Oh dear. Well, prepare to hear the team make that exact same shit joke again, while Steve takes us through Driving Theory, Log recounts the specific reasons why Steve refuses to sleep with him, and Matt desperately tries to stop people from inviting Gav to weddings.

In this truth-led special, Gav quizzes Log on his knowledge of the law as it pertains to pubs, Steve tells the true story of Quorn, and his conversion to a meat-eating subsection of vegetarianism, and Log imagines a book about a woman having sex with a bear, because it's way easier than actual research