Regular Features

After a full week's run of 'episodes that don't contain Matt', this week's episode is mostly Matt talking to Log about Glastonbury. It turns out that without at least two people glaring at him to shut the fuck up, it's something that simply doesn't happen.

After the live show, comes the traditional hangover. No features, no jingles, and I'll even go as far as to say no Matt Lees. Just dullened patter from three men who are reaping a whirlwind with their tiny weather scythes

Live and unedited, because who can be arsed with *that*. Matt collides European music with hurled confections, Steve conducts a live action game of Fantasy Football, Gav commits a treachery so profoundly recursive that it makes good men evil, and Log says goodbye. For about twenty minutes. One word, twenty minutes. Also we got hijacked by a loyal and generous reader

Is it pronounced Ginster's or Jinster's? We say it every way in this, the ninety fifth episode of the podcast what we have been doing.

Matt and Steve dial themselves ACROSS THE GLOBE to collect the precious mind-fluids of Log and Gavin. Will they restore peace to the land before the horcrux shards fall into evil hands?

Team Features is on ACTUAL holiday, broadcasting AS LIVE from sunny Sitges, where Matt is being omni-molested in both the eyeballs (with an unbidden sighting of a rough anus on waking) and then right on the male penuz what he's got. That's why you can hear birds in this episode, because apparently Spanish birds love nothing less than honking, hooting and tweeting into our microphones while we're tryiiinngg to do a podcaaaast you guuuuuys.

Three people should equal three features, right? WRONG. Gav barely does anything in this one, Steve's strangely absent but Log saves it all with a sexy list.

Matt did something cool in real life and tells us about it like a big showoff, Gav has arsehole friends on Facebook so you don't have to, and Log discovers that simply walking around can throw anywhere up to TWO behavioural dilemmas into your path

A fortnight old encounter with a horse has Steve still running on equine feature fumes, while Log's pelvic altruism sees him donating every cubic inch of useful insides. Meanwhile Gav is... hold on, what the eff? WHO THE EFF??

With Gav and Steve shipping out to Iceland for a week of crazy horse adventures, the podcast team is torn asunder and the regularity of the now-reliably-weekly Regular Features falls into mild jeopardy. Can one hundred thousand kilometres of ocean or whatever it is stop us from bringing you the LATEST thing of the thing that we do? No! In a podcasting FIRST, we present the only podcast ever to have been recorded in two different places and then stuck together in our preferred audio editing suite. Enjoy.

Matt describes the quiet hostility of moving in with your partner, Steve undoes an ancient hex, and Log drops a "fuck you, I'm off" bombshell that's not quite as dramatic as it could be

Steve surprises Matt and Gav with some chocolate as they recount tales of spousal abuse and fainting in bed.

Log notices a similarity between this and his favourite podcast, while Gav asks us whether we're arseholes, by comparing our answers to a curiously specific checklist of observed behaviour.

The Roger Helmer newsletter saga comes to a delicious conclusion as the boys finally receive replies to the spoof newsletter they sent out to Rog's confused and bonkers fans.

The Regular Features team, in what courts will agree is their most co-operative act yet, send a fake newsletter to Roger Helmer's legion of UKIP followers. We'll say it straight up now so as not to disappoint: it doesn't arrive in their inboxes in time to make this episode the thrilling spectacle we had anticipated it might be. Log attempts to mitigate the boredom by playing a scratchcard AS LIVE. Can he succeed in rescuing the episode from the drudgery of increasingly bleak Gmail refreshes? You'll have to listen to find out!

Steve puts off sending the email that will land the Regular Features team in prison by adding yet more libellous garnish to his Roger Helmer newsletter, while Log reviews the curious case of Mister Catty, the cat everybody is suing everybody else over. Mister Catty! Do you know how much trouble you have caused? MISTER CATTY ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION

Log comes in with a sick note from his tummy, which has been misbehaving in spectacular ways. Matt continues preparing us for our new Russian masters by trying to turn us all fascist, and Gav brings in a recording with a taxi driver who knows a little too much about aviation and women. God, you might as well not listen to it now

Gav diagnoses himself, Steve recounts awful oddballs from Starbucks, and Log takes us on a magical adventure into the games industry... IN SPACE.

Matt provides advice for after the UK's inevitable surrender to Russia and details the first stages of The Great Bin War, Steve reads out his first draft of his Helmer newsletter, and Log gets informed he's an alcoholic just like everybody else.

I put the microphone on the right setting this time, so cool your pies and ladle a hot scoop of this omnidirectional audio into your hungriest holes. Moor our podbarge in your ear canal and we'll waive the docking fee cos you're nice. Yeah download the file and hoof it right into your brain come on come on, I don't have all day.