Regular Features

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Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... writes the crime scene investigator in his crime solving notepad, as he shakes his head and cries into an evidence bag in the charred ruins of a house. It was a crime scene investigation this entire time, that's the twist. Please be fire safe this Christmas! Turn off your Christmas lights and don't play with candles. Okay! Let's have some Regular Features. In this one, Log has some advertisements for other podcasts on the Regular Features network. Steve writes a jilted Log/Joe gem-hunt fanfic. Joe recalls his favourite Christmas song. GO.

There's never been a better time to invest in worms. Worms are under you right now, working around the clock to make the rotten wet soil nice for daisies. Worms are versatile! They act like novelty Banana Boats for holidaymaking earwigs - AND they make chic scarves for robins in winter. And when the weather warms up? Don't put your worm scarf in the wardrobe! Rip it off, peck it to shreds, and eat a bit of it before getting startled by a cat. Worms are at the intersection of fungus and tree. Their thought processes are so alien to us that we can only look on in bewilderment when we see a ball of 3,200 pregnant worms rolling down a hill. Take it from me, if a ball of 3,200 pregnant worms stops rolling down a hill, you hear a record scratch, and a worm narrator says "I guess you're wondering how I got into this situation", you POLITELY WALK AWAY. Please enjoy this very special episode of Regular Features, in which Log and Joe both done features about worms, because nobody else turned up to stop them

In this episode, Steve burns his candle at both ends. And Log invites you to embody him completely and understand once and for all the arduous process of producing a regular feature. Joe is here, to bear witness to this foul act.

Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door, but where's the people? Church attendance has been in decline for decades. Among people aged between 18 and 24, the incidence of religious affiliation is only 30.7%. If it were to drop below 30%, a special alarm will go off inside the Pope's hat, and he'll take off his hat and there'll be a special golden telephone under there, ringing. He'll pick it up. "Hello, Pope speaking." He'll hold his hand over the receiver and mouth the words "it's god" to a cloister of bishops while waving his hand in a shoo-ing motion. The rest is between him and the big guy. That bit's above our paygrade. In this one, Steve accidentally rents a cape. And Joe takes us to Beak Street, a commercial hub for high-flying bird fashion. Well, what are you waiting for? Listen it up. "The Forest and the Trees" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

The crime? A mordor. The suspect?! YOU. And you thought you'd get away with it you little freak. Well say hello to a little thing we like to call JUSTICE.

Please, for god's sake, put down the weapon... and pick up a BIG SMILE because it is time for Regular Features actually. This week, Joe takes policing into his own hands, and Steve talks about a creature that doesn't even HAVE hands (but it does have a gun). Log turns up, but then leaves because a member of the glitterati had twizzled in to give us the inside scoop on Hollywood's biggest ever problem: James Corden.

Hey, what else can I tell ya, it's episode 506 of the Reg'lar Features podcast. In this one, Steve's on about legs. Log's on about herons. And Joe's on about the various nicknames given by George W Bush to his closest Colin Powells. Get it in ya!

This week the fellas take their much overdue podcasting license test and we wade into the Terf Wars. We're on the good side just in case you were wondering.

You know how submarines are designed to go under the water and do torpedos and pinging and that? Well we've just come up with an idea for a new type of submarine that goes above the water. We can't give you any more details but let's just say it's called a SURmarine, it can carry 140 tactical nuclear warheads, and you CAN'T get it wet. In this episode of Regular Features, we receive a letter from an underwater-faring surmarine. Log checks in with our old friend Wolf Blitzer. And Joe envisions how each of us would die in a Cluedo-style murder mystery type scenario. Let's go!

The Queen is about to done be stuffed in the ground FOREVER. You are quite rightly sad so we are here to take your mind off of it with tales of jeans and Centre Parcs.

It is a dark week for people named 'Elizabeth' or 'Queen' but we've somehow managed to gather ourselves and create a fitting tribute to the one they called 'Queen Elizabeth'.

hello apple please help me: 062330 People say you can fly too close to the sun? Well we say you can't fly close enough. We say you can fly right up to it, so that your nude chest grazes along its surface as you circumnavigate its plasmic equator at one billion miles per hour, like you are Space Harrier himself, skirting along the edge of the troposphere, shooting energy bullets from your face, and what oh okay. In this one, Joe does a squish, and Log wants to give you a job at his pub. See you at one thousand!

Here is the Episode 500 LIVE extravaganza! If you'd like to recreate the evening yourself, we recommend listening to a room where the walls are visibly sweating. This show features some bits that may be better experienced with your eyes so either get yourself a DeLorean and head back to night of the show OR watch the show on YouTube here: https://bit.ly/rf500live Joe's Feature has a lovely little slideshow so when you get to his bit, you can play along here: https://bit.ly/rf500pitchdeck AND finally here are some photos from the evening for you to enjoy: https://bit.ly/RF500PHOTOS Thanks to Fizzy Beefer (Goes to Ibiza) for the photos x

On the eve of the episode 500 live show, all five Feature boys got together, drank far too much, and recorded a question-and-answer session. We don't regret it one bit ACTUALLY.

Everybody likes to say things are "out the wazoo", but nobody ever asks "how's the wazoo". Nobody ever inspects the wazoo to make sure its hard-working chute isn't red raw with all the stuff whizzing out of it. Nobody applies the special clinical wazoo balms the wazoo doctor prescribed, but the poor wazoo didn't have the hands to rub into its own wazoo. But does the wazoo ever complain? No. Says more about you than it does the wazoo if you're askin' for my two pence, which you ain't. In this episode, Log gambles on amber, Steve admits he's been a weapons engineer for an aerospace contractor this entire time, and Gav addresses some early complaints about Regular Features Honey. Available here! https://regularfeatures.com/shop/honey-by-regular-features/

Guess what, we're pivoting to HONEY SALES now. That's right, Regular Features has produced a small batch of 100% organic honey with the help of a hive of bees in North London. Visit our shop at the link below to grab your jar of our special sticky reserve today, before they're all gone! https://regularfeatures.com/shop/honey-by-regular-features/ To celebrate our new venture, in this episode we take you behind the scenes on a tour of the very hive our honey got scraped out of. We can hardly believe it either.

You have some nerve showing your face around here after what you did. But since you're here, you might as well stay and listen. In this episode, Joe demystifies the British parliamentary process. Log helps out a mum in need. Steve got too hot in a heatwave.

Imagine YOU were the Hotstepper. How would YOU like it if you heard everyone saying "Here come the Hotstepper" every single time they saw you? "Look busy," whispers Daniel in Accounts Payable, shuffling urgently past HR with a folder clutched to his chest. "I just saw the Hotstepper getting out of the lift." You might be London's fanciest Hotstepper by night, but by day you're Martin Pickering, area manager for Bridlington Diagnostics. And you just want to DO YOUR JOB In this TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY PLAGUED EPISODE, Gav gets his likeness used and abused and it lands a little too close to home for comfort, and Log has news for you about Castles, Wasps, and Printers. With thanks to absolute unit MIke Orvis for The Bee-Witcher Jingle

This might sound like a special in which we include deleted scenes from past episodes of Regular Features, but it ISN'T. What it actually contains is Log and Joe joining forces for a never-before-seen twoboy episode in which they theme multiple micro-features along the theme of deleted scenes. We've got the Green Mile, we've got Se7en, we've got Big Yellow Taxi, we've got My Baby All-Gone, and we've got even more tenuous connections than that. And if you DARE suggest that this is being called a special because we hadn't properly counted how many episodes there were before the episode 500 live show, we will just kick right off, capisce?! Fig Leaf Rag Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ "Breaking News" Credit: https://www.FesliyanStudios.com Background Music