Regular Features

This week we've got all the basic elements you need to make a regular features: Uber. Baby. Vibraphone. Capeesh?

Hello it's me, the grape stomping lady who fell out of a bucket of grapes in a viral video from 2007. In this episode of Regular Features, Winnie the Pooh falls into Log's public domain, and a falling log wins Joe's public acclaim (which is to say he saw a poop in a TV show and wondered what if all TV shows got a poop in their finale). I hope you enjoy the episode, Steve is in it too and he does a fart!! Love, Grape Stomping Lady from 2007

The world is a strange place right now but one constant is that Stephen Hendry is stuck in his panic room. Does he still have the famous yips though? That is one thing we just cannot know. Be safe, Stephen.

From our screaming throats to your hungry ears, it's another episode of Regular Features, the only podcast that's got us in it. In this episode, Joe chronicles the greatest number you've never heard about unless you read the episode title. Steve unlocks an exciting new octave thanks to possible permanent scarring of the larynx. And Log rates and review every mince pie within a ten minute mince pie fuelled sprinting distance. Let's go, actually.

Betty White is dead. We don't talk about that in the podcast at all. I'm only putting this here cause it just happened and I was hoping that someone finds out she's dead by reading this. Imagine that. Imagine your grandkids asking you "Grandma...do yous remembers hows yous founds outs Betty Whites wass deads?" and you say "Yes, it was from a podcast description text written by an odd Welshman" and they'll laugh as they take you back to your space nursing home in their rocket car.

Happy Crambleneir! In sihd shhue cramblrmhotj, Joem cmrma a visit vfrom "Secret Santana". Gav hoesgojs anfs an incident with a DDP courier. Amd Steve, well, he gocrob a charades qjid quid quiz caled charades. Thank you for all your support this year. We legit love you readers, and we wish you all the best for 2022. Let's do it. Let's crack it open. LOVE, REGULAR FEATURES X "BossaBossa" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) "Beachfront Celebration" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License

If I had one guess, I'd guess you're stuck in a pipe. Look at you, all stuck in that pipe. I bet you want some grease, don't you? You little pipe rat! Little pipe rat want some grease. Well NO, no grease. Not until you've listened to Joe wonder about the etymology of Plemons. And certainly not until you've heard all of Matt's new names for Omicron. And maybe you get some grease after Zim returns to tell us about his latest big boy updates. You can have grease later. Stop wriggling. George Street Shuffle by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3800-george-street-shuffle License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license Sinfonia Number 5 Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

A mere 5 weeks after the fact, it's finally here – a comprehensive run-down of everything that Gav and Joe got up to at our favouite awards ceremony, The Kebabbies. Marvel as we almost get turned away, gasp at Gav's reactions to those who don't share his political leanings, and turn off in horror as you realise the depths of Joe's betrayal. Steve and Log are here to guide your emotions throughout, except when we're all too pissed by the end. Please invite us back, British Kebab Awards, we love you.

We're sorry, but this is not the hotly anticipated kebab awards episode. That's happening next week now. There was a small legal issue we had to iron out involving, well, a kebab, naturally, plus so much libel it would make a judge's powder wig whizz out of the courtroom window and fly back to the special bird house where the wig lives with his wig wife (also a wig), and the wig wife says "bad day at work honey?" and the wig says (all dejected like) "you wouldn't believe what I have to put up with in that courtroom, I swear to god." And the wig wife says reassuringly, "do you want to go on a picnic?" And the wig says (get this), "no, you go on ahead" (a head). What? Oh, in this one Log invents a rotating meatkind, Steve sells the podcast out from underneath us, and Joe gets reacquainted with an old spoon-bending friend. PLEASE enjoy it.

Make no bones about it, it's episode 466 of the Regular Features podcast. Hey, you in the back there with the bones, what are you making? A diorama of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand? Oh okay. You're definitely not making bones about this episode are you? No? Oh yes, we see the little motorcade of femurs now, and it's very clever how you've used a scapula to portray Gavrilo Princip. Wow, and this is your hobby is it? It's fascinating. We've just got to write this podcast description, but we'd love to talk to you more about your bone thing later. Maybe over a drink haha. Oh you do this with your girlfriend do you? That's cool, yeah yeah no that's cool she can come too. Anyway. Log unearths ancient Google Doc fan fiction. Matt is ambassador for playground slides. Steve blossoms into a fine young gentleman. Let's go!

Three men enter the arena. Three men leave. It's fine in the arena. Nothing bad happens. One man has an ache in his shoulder, but he had that before he went into the arena. He thinks he may have slept on it. Good arena! HEY. In this episode, Log hypnotises a nurse into doing a Fred Durst into her frilly blursts. Steve invites you to play for big Squid Game cash money. And Joe heads into the forest to dispense justice. We absolutely love you.

In this episode, Log goes hands-on with Superman's newfound sexuality. Steve goes pants-off when his French horn lessons are interrupted by Scream himself. And Gav is open-mouthed as he brings us a thrilling update from the British Kebab Awards. Do you mind taking your shoes off when you're listening to the podcast? We've just hoovered.

Giddy up, bucko, because it's another episode of this freakin' thing we do. In this one, Steve's Discord account got hacked by spooks. Log is going to reclaim his rightful title of Lord-or-Lady of the Dance. And Joe debuts the latest instalment in the long running series of interactive sports experiences about squaaaangular momentum. What are you still doing here? Start getting it in your ears! Credit: "Epicness Cinematic Dramatic Trailer" by RomanSenykMusic

As we have done every year for the last 9 years, Gav and Joe are sitting down for an extensive, exhaustive, extremely good talk through this year's British Kebab Awards. Who will win chef of the year? Why is there no garlic/chilli award? Will Alfred Molina endorse us? All of this and more in a very special episode of Regular Kebabs.

As people who absolutely freakin' love magpies always say: one for joy, two for joy, three for joy, four for joy, five for joy, six for joy, seven for joy, eight for joy. Nine? Ah what the heck, that's for joy that is. Ten is also for joy, why not. And eleven to boot! Twelve... hmm, best not get greedy. But for joy. Teehee. Twelve is for joy too, just don't tell anyone. :) In this episode, Log petitions Nintendo to make him a rideable mount in the new Zelda. Steve is definitely not a bunch of wasps wearing a Steve-suit. And Joe finally succumbs to the poison coursing through his incredible body. Let's get this showboat on the rowboat.

There's no time to waste. In this episode Joe concocts his very own VHS cassette horror anthology. Steve reports his very own fading feature memories. And Log purports his very own sock tipperies and trickories. Is that even what purports means? There's literally no time to google "define purports". I'm sorry, we really have to get on with this. Hey google, define purports. Oh wow, yeah okay that's not even almost the correct usage of the word.

What if you dragged a big wet carrier bag full of lukewarm biryani to a concert? What if you had a nice time at a spa? What if you watched yet another Marvel TV show in the hope that maybe this one, THIS one, might be good? Only Regular Features can answer all three questions at once in a big sexy booming voice to make your guts quiver. Oh boy, let's go.

Get this reader on the table, we need to operate NOW! Nurse, pass me a syringe full of Matt forgetting if he's ever owned a watch. I'm going to make a two-inch incision and insert Joe griping about his comedy heroes being sad about death. WE'RE LOSING THEM. We're going to have to do it- Nurse, I understand your reservations but we have to no TIME. We're going to try an experimental technique which involves shoving Log talking about yoga directly into the reader's spinal chord. We lost them. This never gets easier. Time of death: whenever this podcast description ended. I'm going to get a pork pie. "Raving Energy (faster)" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

The three original feature boys return for a very special reunion episode, never to be repeated, just like that time The Beatles went up on the roof and refused to come down until Linda McCartney invented frozen vegan sausages. Matt revisits his thoughts on Torchwood. Log treats us to a high-defintion re-release of some half-remembered Steve-on-Matt canoodling. And Steve ensures we'll never have sponsorship for at least another ten years, by reprising the one good feature idea he ever had.

This week Gav's been combing the Discord for #content - something which he swears he won't be doing again. Meanwhile Log's addresses a pretty nasty complaint we've had and Joe has been called up to jury duty or JOEry duty, if you will. Actually...no...it's jury duty. Sorry. Our mistake. If you'd like to join the Discord then get involved on Patreon: www.patreon.com/regularfeatures