Ro-mansplaining

Adam doesn't know basic biology, we call on Dr. Dawn to weigh in, we unpack why women get excited over mystery and being ignored, Leslie was a weirdo trapped in a cheerleader body, Adam lists all of Leslie's friends by name, we go back in time to 19 years ago this week when Adam was wooing Leslie, we don't know who Sadie Hawkins is, we go on a Karate Kid tangent, men with self-control are very sexy, and Bella and Edward are going on a date.

Lexi Smelch brings some things to our attention, the history of "good enough for government work," Leslie does some math to find out Forks' actual diversity, La Croy or La Quah, we explore Adam's genes and his hatred of his name, Moe Welch would not be married to Leslie, we get a peek inside the terrorscape of Leslie's imagination, Leslie points out an issue with the timeline of the movie and discovers she should have been running ops for the CIA, Adam knows all the worst parts of the bible, Bella gets a new name, Adam gives Edward some good communication advice, we coin the phrase "face down in the muffin," and meet America's favorite family: Ken and Barbie Brown.

We have a special guest, this is one of Leslie's favorite chapters, Adam could easily stop a car with his obesity, Adam considered giving Paula Deen just the tip of his butter stick, we go deep into Mere's biggest regret from her modeling phase, Bella gets a spine, Adam shares his rapture freak out moments from his childhood, and we end on a Grateful Dead tangent.

Adam totally misinterprets what's in the little bottles that the Forks Santa gave away, the diversity in Forks comes into question, morbid obesity is all relative, Charlie goes for an early morning tire run, Bella is good at slipping on ice, being breathy is not good acting, Leslie is all about snuba when she's on the land, we discover a funny nuance in the background of a scene, there's a season 3 suggestion, and the movie says that girls can science good.

Adam doesn't remember the Moonlight Gambler, Leslie slips into her Toledo accent too many times, we go deep into step-dad talk which ends uncomfortably, Adam gets a point, Italians and Brits name their kids Gerald, we find out what it sounds like when middle aged authors use pop culture quotes from their own teen years, there really is a Thriftway in Forks, small towns really don't like strangers, Edward is back and his voice is musical, girls can't science, laughing at an almost-accident is a dick move.

We start with a family howl, but Bunny isn't cooperating, Adam makes Leslie jumbly bumbly, Adam insists on showing Leslie pictures of old hockey players, we tell the story about the Amish phone scandal on the crystal hunting farm, Adam pimps our friend Jay's meat company, there are issues with clutch instructions from Jacob, another crazy story about Leslie's bizarre childhood, everyone has an old pickup truck story, rock star parking, being the new kid is awful, Mike Newton is not on the F-Team, horsing around is for all ages, set designs can give you wings, and burst vs. bust.

Adam describes eyelet lace and has issues with his keyboard, we delve into problems with Bella's "adultness," getting details on dads, Adam educates us on how they modify cop cars, everyone has an "old truck with a hole in the floor" experience, we get some diversity, more car talk, we negotiate the rules about ugly people in movies, Edward and his velvet voice are introduced.

Leslie fails to keep Adam on task, we're already off to a horrible start, Madison from Sirius XM becomes Leslie's inspiration, Adam practices his Coors commercial voice, we get deeper into Leslie's DNA, black tea, problems with performance anxiety for season 2, and we finally figure out what the hell we're doing. 

Johnny and Nevada board the final boat of this boatey book, Adam is anxious to get to the details of the wedding and can't believe BJ Jones isn't coming back, Adam shares his dreams of an Andy Kaufman-esque performance art project, another love connection is solidified, we learn that sex is not limited to nighttime, Leslie gives Adam what he wants--a BJ Jones reunion, we say goodbye to Johnny and Nevada, we provide some strategy for our listeners who want to rate our podcast, and Adam finally listens!

Adam continues to fight the Quincy naming reality, Leslie confesses some things from her childhood, Adam tries to coin a new term, Johnny joins the high-stakes poker game on the John Hammer steamboat while Nevada is at the ballet, buttholes are back in town, Leslie impresses everyone with her extensive Star Wars and Star Trek knowledge, Adam is a natural hero, and we question the meaning of 8 to 5 odds.

Johnny begins his epic one-and-a half chapter struggle, Nevada doles out some potent sexual tonic, we invent a new podcasting format, Johnny's love is finally defined in chapter 39 of the Book of Nan, we time travel back to Adam's film school days, sometimes authors don't feel like writing parts of a story, and the best episode of solid gold quotes occurs.

Adam educates us on the "Magical Negro" trope, Old Jess gets sick, Adam's crazy re-naming of characters creates a whole new storyline, we finally get an info dump to fill in Johnny's backstory, Leslie finally gets sick of Adam's ridiculousness, faro vs. farina, celebrities look weird in real life, Leslie gets some respect for Laura Dern, Adam gives himself a point, and it's almost impossible to drive the last point of this chapter home.

Leslie has an idea for a romance novel, Adam wins "kiss your mom chicken" and grosses everyone out, another Pretty Woman connection, we discover the most-ignored erogenous zone, thanking is highly sexy, we have another un-official sponsor, we solve healthcare, Leslie needs a roux suitcase when she goes to her brother's wedding, we have a real recording of our favorite catchphrase, and Adam still has no idea who Malcolm is.

Adam makes some out-of-this-world predictions for the last few chapters, we wonder where "it" is if it's neither here nor there, Trumaine Benedict is a new character that Adam invents when he can't remember Malcolm's name, Johnny is smoking cigars and watching Nevada, Harold Stroud makes another cameo, the mechanics of cantering, and don't ever take a woman's ice cream.

Leslie tests out a new intro to help new listeners, Adam gives us a lesson on the history of Oregon, wedding planning ramps up, we learn about Miss Annabelle's fantasies about King Cassidy and Leslie's fantasies about Keanu, Adam evaluates Johnny's personal style, Kaitlyn does not want to be a guest on our show, and Leslie breaks some news about BJ Jones.

We start off on a Back to the Beach tangent, "Yeah Dawg" ascends to the next level of obnoxiousness, Adam is late for a meeting and is also awesome at acting, there's no time for a madcap night on the town, Johnny causes an astronomical phenomenon and surprises everyone, and Leslie and Johnny have a sleeping habit in common.

Leslie doesn't feel safe at home, Adam's special things are lost, you need to lock the door during an active shooter drill, Nan sucks at knowing when the seasons are, the infamous Greyhound Bus story, when it's hot, you gotta get half-naked and take a nap, hats were the order of the day, Johnny invents sexy male shorts, Nan tries to make sweaty boobs and damp groins sexy, Adam's butthole gets a theme song.

We discover the secret to slowing down life, Americans are totally ripped off when it comes to nap time, Leslie considers taking out a Craigslist ad, Adam is basically as famous as Philip Baker Hall, Having Showtime in the 80s forced Leslie into being a European Vacation person, Leslie screws up her Star Wars joke, Nan might not have all the best words, and Adam had all the best pipes in the late 90s.

Things are back to normal after the Freaky Friday disaster, Google alerts for chest hair are surprising, hick locals butcher the names of their towns, we get a little too personal with pregnancy facts, solid gold quote time, Adam shares the story behind sarcastic thanking with Uncle Rico and Slingblade, how OCR creates typos from books that were written in the 80s, Johnny puts on quite an outfit, Leslie doesn't know when cars came out, and Johnny continues to taunt Nevada.