Funny Messy Life

   All I wanted to do was sit down somewhere and write. I’m back to writing the podcast episodes out blog style because although I thought it would sound more natural just telling stories and saying what was on my mind using bullet points and otherwise flying by the seat of my pants, it still didn’t sound right to me. I’ll get to that later at the end, but for now, just realize that while I intended to make the theme of this one a journey into the back of my mind, through the land of my personal pet peeves, where I keep all the things I want to say, but usually don’t, I didn’t expect to deal with the kind of stress I’m going to talk about in order to get to actually write about it. I hope that makes some kind of sense. So, if you’re saying to yourself, “Dang it, self! I wish he’d find a format and stick with it!”, I promise you’re not alone and like I said, stick around till the end and I’ll explain myself to yourself.    For now, I’m gonna vent for a little bit about Pet Peeves and other things that stress m

I'm a professional artist. I travel all over the southeastern part of the United States etching detailed images onto black granite. In my over ten years of working for myself, I've gathered a few stories that I hope you'll find interesting. In this episode, I break them up into three sections: A Tale Of Two Portraits The Impossible Etching A Tale Of Two More Portraits As promised, here is an example of my etching work:  

Her name was Linda. Actually, that's a lie, but I've changed her name to protect her privacy because, well ... we were in love and we were way ahead of our time. We were also small children. In episode 18, we're going to explore a time in my life - very early on - when I first began to experience the mental and physical pains of a relationship. But here's a disclaimer: You might consider whether you want your children to listen to this one because while I won't be dirty, the middle story is about a 5 and 6 year old playing You show me yours and I'll show you mine, except we went a tiny bit further. If that got your attention, give it a listen. I'm Michael Blackston and this is the story of the first love of my Funny Messy Life. Did you get into any embarrassing situations with the neighbors when you were a kid? How about since you've grown up? Tell us in the comments and let Funny Messy Nation know about it so we can all laugh or cry with you. 

Monsters under the bed? Nah. Monsters in the closet? Nope. I was never that kid, but I did have some scary encounters. In episode 17, I’ll give you the inside scoop on a few things that went bump in the night and other places too. From the creature in the woods to the Green Man in my room and even a ghost in an old church. I’m Michael Blackston and these are some of the things that haunted the early childhood of my Funny Messy Life.   Did you battle any monsters? I’d really like to hear about it. Tell us your story in the comments!

 When it comes to interesting stuff in the world, little compares to the intricate workings of the human mind. From kids to the elderly and entire lives in between, we can make simple things hard, difficult things easy and sometimes we let the mundane stay mundane. It doesn’t matter how you choose to ride the wave in the ocean of your own existence, I can promise you’ll pick up a few barnacles in the form of stories along the way, like I have.  I’m going to break a few of them off the bottom of my own surf board and tell you about my struggle with loosing weight, my daughter’s sense of independence, and what you might call my flirting with kleptomania. I’m Michael Blackston and while I have no idea why I used a nautical theme to get us into it, because there’s nothing nautical about any of the stories, you’re about to enter my world. Something I like to call my Funny Messy Life. ______________________________  I’ve talked about my diabetes at least a couple of times now and while I make light of it because th

 Sometimes I think my problem is just that I’m messed up in the head and I have a circle of family and friends who’ll nod in agreement when I say that. Yes. Yes, that man is messed up in the head big time.  But sometimes parenting takes a little insanity to make something positive happen. Even if it makes you look like you lost all your marbles and might turn you into the person children point at when you walk down the street with your shopping cart full of your prized parenting possessions ... badly done coloring pages because what if they’re the next Rembrandt?, random rocks they found in the yard and gave you as presents because what if they’re the next Indiana Jones?, and that thing you can’t identify that they found in a dump somewhere, because what if they’re the next American Picker? Even if it makes you look like that, who cares? You’re a parent and you don’t have to apologize because it made you a spectacle. So go right ahead and dance down that street, pushing your shopping cart with its wobbly whee

  I’ve got problems just like everybody else. I know it’s sort of a sham hiding them all behind a barricade of laughter and merriment the likes rarely seen beyond newborn babies who think a dirty diaper is funny and really old people who think a dirty diaper is funny, but it’s the way I cope. My aunt Janet likes to call me Chandler Bing - the guy from FRIENDS - because no matter what’s going on and even when things get serious, I’ll sometimes break the monotony with a sarcastic or off-the-wall (often not well though out) comment. That’s why I feel like I have license to discuss and laugh about the next three topics. Why I hate the sun (I get skin cancers). I have type 2 diabetes, and I used to be a terribly insecure child. With that, I’m Michael Blackston. Let’s huddle up together - Eskimo style -  because where I’m from, it’s getting colder outside, and let’s roast marshmallows over some stories from my funny, messy, life. ___________________________________  There was one year that I got a tan. One. My mom

 Society has a lot of rules, but being that I live in the Land Of The Free, society around me likes to bend them, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Laws are different, so don’t get the two confused. It’s a RULE of society that you shouldn’t play the music in your car so loud at 3 am that you wake everybody in the neighborhood as you pass through. But it’s a LAW that I can’t install a tire spike system in the road in front of my house that I can access at the push of a button the next time some thug does that.  We’re going to have a look at some of the rules society likes to scoff at and I’ll put in my two cents about what I think you should think society should think about doing differently. We’ll tackle the Pants Hanging Down and Shorts Too Short issues, I’ll remind guys about the proper behavior in a public restroom, and I’ll give you a play-by-play of my frustration about people being too slow.  I’m Michael Blackston and that’s all ahead as we take an opinionated look into my Funny Messy Life. _______

 As I think about the direction this podcast is going, I realize I want it to be more story driven and less Op/Ed. Sure, I like to put my thoughts out there as a little cud to chew for the readers and listeners, but I’m finding I get plenty of that on social media already and maybe this show ought to veer toward interesting stories. I’ll finish giving you the articles that are already written, even if they’re my opinions, but after that, it’s going to be all great stories. And that’s why I’m asking you up front to help me out a little by sending in your own stories - stuff you think would be interesting to tell to the whole world. So stick around at the end of the episode and I’ll tell you how to get those to me. Right now, though, I’m Michael Blackston and I’ve got a few things to tell you about my own Funny Messy Life.  ____________________  You’ll be able to tell right away that this first one was written a while back, but I thought it was an interesting piece, since it mentions an element of my life that

 Today we have a lot of discussions about how people “identify”. Some dude with a beard identifies as a little girl in pig tails, some little girl in pig tails has decided she identifies as a middle aged oil rig worker from Texas and her parents support that. Which is weird because nine times out of ten, a parent who would be okay with that would fall way to the left on the political rainbow and hate anything to do with oil. Even a few people in government leadership positions - over the whole spectrum, I might add - identify as decent people. Which is weird because nine times out of ten government leaders fall way to the scumbag side of the political rainbow. I know! But you won’t have to worry about me ruffling any feathers in these three stories. They’re about how I identify and unless you’re one of those people who needs a safe space from anybody that disagrees with you, we should be good.  I’m Michael Blackston and this right here is a virtual canon ball into the very chlorinated pool of my Funny, Messy

 If you asked people to tell you one of the most important things in life, it wouldn’t take long for them to say family. For me, family is a main ingredient in the stew of a happy life and I think you’ll be able to tell by the following three stories that little else comes before it. My sister and I have always been close, even when it came to fisticuffs, as you’ll see, so I think it’s a good idea to tell you some stuff about her. She’s been warned, but I can’t promise she won’t come for me after I finish with the following three stories.  My name is Michael - Mr. Blackston if you’re nasty - and this is what I’ve come to know as my Funny, Messy Life. ___________________________  If you’ve listened long enough to this podcast or read the blog, you probably think you have a pretty good bead on me. One thing you may not know about me though, is that I love to cook. Like almost everything I’m interested in, I consider it an art. Baking is no exception, but I don’t dabble in it too much. I tend more toward stuff t

Note: The following content is created tongue-in-cheek style and is intended for the comedic entertainment and enjoyment of people who are not easily offended. If you’re easily insulted and get all mouthy and whatnot, understand that you may one day be mooned. By the host. While he’s driving. That’s just his way of saying, “Hi friend! You have no sense of humor!” Otherwise, proceed.  This world is a dangerous place full of lazy people who’d rather take your money by force rather than work for it and teens who think every other day is a good time to create a new social media challenge like eating detergent pods or snorting condoms. That’s just to name a couple. While the world will never be truly fixed, I hope I can do my part to help by offering my own opinions and maybe - just maybe - we’ll take a step closer. I have three pieces of commentary that I think might lead us in a better direction.  I’m Michael Blackston and this wasteland you’re about to enter ... it’s a little thing I like to call my Funny, Mess

 People are sensitive animals and it doesn’t take much to bring a knee-jerk, often irrational, response when things happen that we consider out-of-the-norm. Newton’s Law states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite thing that happens to stuff. The measure of control we have over our reactions will separate us into three categories, which I’ll rank from best to worst:   1. Wise Souls - Slow to react and willing to think things through so as to get the best, most righteous outcome from a situation. 2. Average People - The category most of us fall into. Quick to spit the first thought out of our mouths, regardless of how hurtful and inaccurate it is. 3. Liquored Up Howler Monkeys    No one wants to be number three, but I’m seen them. It’s always been that way, but the internet has changed things. It’s given everybody a platform and that’s not necessarily a good thing. The first two stories in this episode deal with the new age of communication, while the last one will tackle a touchy one that cal

 I’ve never been confused about my gender or even curious what it would be like to wear a dress. So to be crystal clear, I’m all dude. But I spent a lot of my formative years with women and I think that’s done a couple of things for me. I don’t always come across as the burliest, manliest fella in the cave because I’ve learned to appreciate some things over the years that might be considered more along the feminine side of the dividing line, and I find it’s just much easier for me to talk and relate to women than men. While I’ve never battled any confusion when it comes to my gender, it may not be that easy for other other people, at first notice, to decide exactly what I am. I’m Michael Blackston and you’re entering one of the weirder areas of my Funny, Messy Life. _______________  I spent most of my time with my mom and my sister growing up and that caused me to adopt similar interests - my mom’s love for music and the theatre, my sister’s affinity for the figure skating portion of the winter Olympics, and

 There are plenty of ways to describe my personality and most of the good ones rank pretty low on a political correctness scale of one to ten. A few screws loose is popular. Kind of a wackadoo is a cute one. Then there's one of my favorites, That boys is nutballs! It's okay. I've gotten used to it over the years and I really kind of wear it as a badge of honor. Sane people are boring and droll about their days NOT talking to themselves in funky cartoon voices or breaking out in Broadway showtunes if someone repeats, in normal conversation, even the hint of something in common with a show. For example: “I say, good man. I'm nearly finished reading Victor Hugo's The Hunchback of Notre Dame.” “There is nothing like a daaaaaame … nothing … in tha … WOOOOOOOORRRRLLLLD!!” In this scenario, it would also be acceptable to also sing lyrics from the Hunchback Disney movie or even go way out there and sing something from Les Miserables, which is also by Victor Hugo. The point is that if you ask anyone about me, they'll

 Ah, relationships. They're what make the world go round. From Adam and Eve to your crazy aunt and uncle who wear tinfoil hats in case the aliens finally come, relationships have defined our lives. Even if you think there's only you and a make believe woman you created out of an old string mop, Twizzlers, and a couple of coconuts, you're in for an awakening. You and that string mop woman are in a relationship - a weird one to be sure, and you probably need to see a professional – but a relationship none the less. And eventually, you're not going to see eye to eye.  I'm Michael Blackston and these are a few stories from my own relationship bucket - the one that pours out all over my Funny, Messy Life.  Some people have made the claim that marriage is hard, but I disagree. It's always been my opinion that marriage is not hard - and I've been married for over 20 years – but it's life that can be difficult. “Being married”, at least for me, has never been tough. In fact, having each other to lean on has been a bl

 You know what's funny? Watching somebody try to drink right after a trip to the dentist's office while their mouth is still numb and everything spills down the front of their shirt like a tiny baby. You know what's NOT funny? After the numbing stuff wears off and every single nerve ending is zapping you face with electric hell. I've had some conditions I've had to heal from that have been quite embarrassing, gross, or both, and I wouldn't normally even consider mentioning them, but hey – we throw ourselves out there for the sake of comedy, right?  ________________  A Tooth Extraction Is A Major Head Wound  The following was written in a pain-induced state on a hot and humid night in July of 2015.  And NO, I DO NOT WHINE!  It’s a hot and humid night in July of 2015.  I hesitate to write about the poor condition of my teeth because I’m from the south and there is a long observed stereotype about southerners and their dental habits, or lack thereof, and I don't enjoy the idea of progressing it. However, I'm mov

 If you stare too long at a person and they notice, you could find yourself in an awkward situation that requires, “Lucy, you got some ‘splaining to do”. This happened to me once when I saw the most beautiful little girl – she was maybe 4 years old – in a diner. I was eating alone and noticed her and her mother at an adjacent table. As a portrait artist, the human face is a wonderland for me and this little girl looked like a true angel. I didn't know I was staring like a creepy stalker creep, until I realized the mother was watching me carefully with a look that told me she would not hesitate to stick a fork into my eye socket if it came to it. In my mind, I was sneaking glances for future reference because I do a lot of angel images in my day job as a tombstone artist and it was less creepy than pulling out my phone and asking like some buck toothed hillbilly, “C'n I take yer li'l girl's pitcher?” What I did do is apologize and explain why I kept staring at her daughter, which seemed to help mama to relax a

 Shenanigans is defined by Webster's dictionary as tricky or questionable practices or conduct; also, high-spirited or mischievous activity. It's a word I never used until I became an old fogy. Now it rolls off my tongue like a good set of dentures secured by a bad squeeze of Fixadent. I can't remember what we called shenanigans when I was growing up, but we sure knew when we were up to them. I can tell you that I've been up to my share and it doesn't seem that over my forty plus years I've learned lessons very well because I still tend to enjoy engaging in shenaniganly activities, as you'll see in two of these three stories. My name is Michael Blackston and you're about to step right into a big pile of my funny, messy life. _________________  My mama still shakes her head at stuff I say and do. There's usually at least a little smile behind the shame, but I imagine a voice inside her head asking, Where did I go wrong? It's okay, Mama. I turned out pretty relatively enough alright-ish in the end and we should