New Rankings With Teddy!

What was the scariest moment in a movie this year? Who was the most typecast actor? Which film was the most overrated? It's time to hand out the only movie awards that matter: the Teddies and the Jakies! Teddy welcomes Jake Longstreth back onto New Rankings to celebrate the very best films of 2017 (and also The Book of Henry, and also 47 Meters Down), plus they answer some other pressing questions along the way: Which actors won this year's Adam Driver award for "so ugly they're actually hot"? Was that firefighter movie (Only the Brave) just Republican porn, or was it actually kinda good? And why did Teddy mysteriously quit Boy Scouts as a youth? Why?!

Teddy welcomes back New Rankings film correspondent and James-Cameron-action-figure owner Kevin Best (Sequel Rewrite podcast) for a James-Cameron-movie-length discussion of the top 10 movies of 2017. Some of the films discussed include Coco, Logan, Kedi, Get Out, some cannibal movie that Kevin liked, The Florida Project, the season finale of Nathan for You, and of course, The Book of Henry. Additional conversations include: Why did all of the women on Wonder Woman's island speak in that weird, pseudo-Israeli accent? How come Lady Bird didn't feature a plot line related to the 2002 Sacramento Kings? And did Daniel Day-Lewis allow pennies on the set of Lincoln? NOTE: The audio goes crackly for some of the second half of the episode. Also the first draft of this episode had two weird, Watergate-style ten-minute gaps of silence. Apologies for these inconveniences, but we have a new microphone now, so moving forward everything should be good!

Teddy got a new hat, and it's all he really wants to talk about anymore. On this New Rankings, he welcomes Emma back to predict the top ten hottest fashion trends of 2018, but mostly they just admire his hat. Additional topics of discussion include: the shockingly sustained relevance of the Big Dog brand, the "Coachella meets Renaissance Fair" look, the return of the dickprint, and 2018's color of the year -- it's brown, baby! Oh, and also, this is pretty cool: Teddy got a new hat.

Are you ready for some footbaw??? Just in time for the NFL playoffs (playoffs?!), Teddy welcomes his best man Jake Longstreth back onto New Rankings to draft their best fictional football squads, comprised of players from such classic gridiron tales as The Replacements, Friday Night Lights, Remember the Titans, and the Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon. Who will draft Forrest Gump in the second round? Who will land not one but two different Keanu Reeveses to play quarterback? And who will panic-draft Air Bud and Keisha from Backyard Football before realizing that his team sucks as he melts into a puddle of tears? Find out, and vote for your favorite team: #TeamTeddy or #TeamJake!

Happy 2018! Teddy welcomes his sister, noted bookworm Kit Steinkellner, back onto the New Rankings Book Club to count down their top 7 reads from 2017. Along the way, they give insight into their favorite literary genres: depressing politics books and "trashy thrillers" for Teddy; Asian women fiction and monster dog stories for Kit. In addition, they debate the following pressing questions: Why do people still read Hemingway and Fitzgerald but not John Dos Passos or Sinclair Lewis? Why do, uh, certain demographics vote against their economic interests? And... wait... realistic Flintstones???

Ho, ho, ho! On this episode of Yule Rankings, Teddy welcomes back Lindsey Toiaivao as they celebrate everyone's favorite holiday mascot-slash-horny dad, Santa Claus! Lindsey and Teddy rank their top ten Santas in film, fiction, and folklore, from Krampus to the Grinch, from Tim Allen to JTT. Additional pressing Santa questions include: Why is Jack Skellington the Macklemore of Santas? When will Mrs. Claus get something interesting to do?And how can you tell when a homeless person is actually just Santa in disguise?

With the holidays approaching -- and with their childhood home facing the threat of a terrifying wildfire -- Teddy and Emma take a moment to count their blessings, Berenstain Bears-style, and rank their top ten fictional families ever. Some of the ohanas on their lists include: the Corleones, the Chipmunks, the Lannisters, the Brady Bunch, the Koopalings, Clan McDuck, and the Klumps. In addition, Em and Ted answer such pressing fictional family questions as: "What do 'Lilo & Stitch' and 'Coco' get right that 'Moana' got wrong?", "When there's four grandparents in a bed, where does everyone put their feet?" And "Why does adding a baby always make the family suck?"

Who dem boys? *WE* dem boys! In this testosterone-fueled episode (recorded live from a boycation in Houston, Texas!), Teddy and his eternal bro Andrew Molina crack open some cold ones and count down the top eight ways to keep that bro bond alive, even as distance and adulthood try to get in the way. Discussion topics include: how to start your very own boys' book club or support group, "getting out there for a quick visit early," the Great Ed Sheeran Debate of 2017, and the secret MVPs of bro bonding... could they possibly be... *gasp*... girls?!?

Boomer versus Millennial. Rotary phones versus sexting. Sitcom jokes versus nonsense memes. Woman who thinks she's always right versus the devil boy she created in her own image. Yep, it's a generational battle here on New Rankings, as Teddy and his mother Cheri put the participation trophies aside and debate the top seven things Millennials and Baby Boomers can learn from each other. Vote for your champion, #TeamTeddy or #TeamCheri, and reach out to @newrankings with your own hot takes on Jeff Bezos' world takeover, Frindle, the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire, and hunky Monkee Davy Jones.

Put on your toga, grab some ambrosia, and avoid any nearby swans -- it's time to go Greek! In this episode, Teddy and his friend Sophie, host of the She's All Fat podcast (@shesallfatpod), rank their top eight gods and godesses of Greek antiquity. Discussion topics include why Sophie seemingly only likes boring gods, Teddy's mini-ranking of Zeus' most hilarious sex disguises, and the question of twincest between Apollo and Artemis: did they do it, or did they definitely do it?

Apologies for the three-week delay in content, Teddy regrets.......... nothing! Because he was off getting married! And from now on, every episode of the show will be marriage-themed! In this podcast, Teddy and his new wife Courtney rank their top seven pieces of marriage advice, since now that they have been married two weeks, they are cool experts in the ways of love. Discussion topics include: healthy fighting rituals, peeing with the door open, surprisingly wise dentists, and peeing at Versailles.

"The podcast... is coming... from inside the phone." In this episode, Teddy welcomes Kevin Best, host of the "Sequel Rewrite" podcast, back onto New Rankings, as they count down the top seven movies that most freaked them out as fifth graders at sleepovers. Discussion topics include: creepy copypastas, the Mandela Effect, the odd similarities between "The Blair Witch Project" and "Austin Powers," and horror's unlikeliest gay icon... the Babadook. NOTE: Sometime as we were recording this episode, it seems that a Poltergeist got inside our mic! We apologize for the mild crackling that recurs throughout the episode, but we hope it only adds to your own personal sense of Halloween dread...

"They did the draft... they did the monster draft!" In this Halloween spooktacular, the Steinkiller sibs assemble at the witching hour to prick their thumbs and pick the scariest, silliest monster squads. Memorable debates from the episode include: "Does a 'magical serial killer' qualify as a monster?" "Is Teddy just mansplaining the concept of monsters?" And "Wait, why the hell did Emma draft ____ with her number one overall pick?!" Also, social media ghouls, we need you for this one! Choose your favorite monster squad by hashtagging #TeamKit, #TeamTeddy, or #TeamEmma on Twitter @newrankings, or on the Facebook page "New Rankings with Teddy." Happy haunting!

In Part 2 of this very special New Rankings, Teddy and Bill Steinkellner, aka "the co-executive producer of 'Emeril,'" aka "Dad," finish their light-hearted romp through the top 10 funniest sitcom characters ever. Questions answered on this episode include: "Which sitcom star inspired Bill to abandon Catholicism and pursue a life in comedy?" "What iconic character's offspring was actually inspired by Teddy in fetal form?" And "Wait, why does Julia Louis-Dreyfus refer to Teddy solely as 'Coach Teddy?'"(Note: this episode was recorded before JLD revealed her recent breast cancer diagnosis. Huge shoutout to her as she copes, and New Rankings wholeheartedly endorses her powerful healthcare message!)

Hey Rank & File! Starting this week, we're trying something new. As you know, some of our episodes -- like a bad "Will & Grace" from 2002 -- tend to get a bit super-sized. Yet we don't want you to get overwhelmed week-to-week and miss out on any of this hot, hot content! So beginning now, we'll be chopping up some of our lengthier episodes into two-parters and releasing them in back-to-back weeks. Rank you very much. In Part 1 of this very special episode, Teddy welcomes back his father, Emmy award-winner and candy-loving crank Bill Steinkellner, for a discussion of the top ten funniest sitcom characters ever to slip on a banana peel and straight into our hearts. Questions from this first half of the ranking include: How has Larry David stayed so funny despite being so rich? Who are TV's best examples of the "well-meaning idiot who everyone hates" archetype? And goggles: do they do something, or do they do nothing?

This episode of New Rankings finally answers the age-old question: can a Millennial and a nonagenarian become the best of friends? Teddy's guest is literary luminary (and 94-year old!) Fred Klein, former executive editor of Bantam Books and host of the popular Santa Barbara TV show, "Literary Gumbo." In a wide-ranging conversation, Ted and Fred discuss the thriller genre, ranking their top seven favorites from such masters of the craft as Patricia Highsmith, Stephen King, and John le Carré. Then suddenly, in a plot twist worthy of Agatha Christie, there is an unexpected phone call at the end of the episode, and it changes absolutely everything...

Yes, it's officially fall: the kids are back in school, the apples are ripe for the picking, and all of the new TV shows are complete and utter garbage. Luckily, Teddy and Kit are here to help you out with that last one. In this episode, the self-important Steinkellner sibs rank their top seven criminally underseen television shows, ranging from foreign favorites (Fauda, Borgen) to tween treasures (Jane by Design, Veronica Mars) to controversial reality programs about children living in an abandoned town and learning important lessons from an old pioneer journal (Kid Nation). Finally, do not make a drinking game out of this episode, and if you do, definitely do not take a shot every time Kit proclaims her genuine enthusiasm for the upcoming CBS sitcom Young Sheldon. Please listen responsibly.

Y is this the most dramatic New Rankings yet? O, U will C... In this episode, Teddy is joined by his friends, improvisers Max Sosna-Spear and James Mannion, for a topical twist on a standard ranking -- it's a fantasy draft! Only instead of picking football players for pretend points and imaginary teams, the boys are up to something even stupider: they're drafting letters of the alphabet. Hot debate topics include: Is J the coolest letter or the most overrated? What is the best comedy letter -- D, P, or V? And is H the lamest letter ever or not? (JK, there's no debate on that one, everyone agrees that H categorically sucks.)

"Let us... entertain you..." In this episode, Teddy is joined by his Mama Rose, Tony-nominated writer Cheri Steinkellner, and his Baby June, little sister Emma, as they rank the top ten Broadway musicals ever belted, from "Sweeney" to "Seussical." Along the way, they share some personal anecdotes, such as the night Young Emma upstaged Gigi Hadid in "Little Shop of Horrors" (much to Yolanda Foster's chagrin), or the time Young Cheri closed her eyes while listening to an LP of "The Pajama Game" and imagined that she had friends. To paraphrase Daddy Warbucks' entire household staff, "We know you're gonna like *this episode*............. welcome!"

What is the best shape? The coolest fictional world? The nicest way to end a relationship? The sexiest Pokemon? Sure, such questions might not warrant a full episode of New Rankings on their own, but they are crucial, contentious issues all the same. Ergo... the mailbag! In this episode, Teddy, Courtney, and Emma select their favorite listener-suggested mini-rankings, and nearly end their friendship in the process of arguing such debates as: Are smoothies just milkshakes? Is it pedophilic to be attracted to Charmander? And, most importantly, do circles suck?