Meg-john And Justin

Okay so, I like to maintain close friendships with my exes who are important to me, but I’m struggling with knowing and enforcing my boundaries in those relationships. It’s got to the point where I’ve introduced a new partner to an ex at an event or party and unsurprisingly they’ve got on very well - so well that on a few occasions there’s been some flirting and once or twice some deeper romantic feelings from one of them (though nothing has ever been acted upon as far as I’m aware). It seems that in an effort for everyone to feel okay, an ex and a new partner latch on to each other, but it can leave me feeling quite stressed and pushed out. Also I tend to date people that are quite extraverted and I’m more introverted/socially anxious, so their instinct when this happens is to (friendlily) assert their social position, and my instinct is to withdraw. I’m happy that my ex and new partner get along and are making an effort to make each other and themselves comfortable, but I seem to end up feeling very unc

In this first episode of ‘Second Opinion’ I give my alternative advice to someone asking for advice from another advice columnist. Here is the original advice. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/mar/12/my-wife-refuses-to-end-affair-she-enjoys-the-sex-what-should-i-do I chat about the background to newspaper advice columns, and why this one might be so short and what’s happened to advice giving generally in mainstream media. Here’s the paper I mentioned by Petra https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(15)00009-7/abstract and here’s her website https://nostartoguideme.com/ This one being so short means that it may not be long enough to be useful (I’m certain that the advice giver would give excellent advice if she were given longer). It being so short also means that it relies on repeating a common sense discourse, or a should story, of how we should be navigating sex and relationships. Then I give my advice. There are different kinds of relationship models from stri

Hey! My question is about transitioning and sex. First some background information: My partner is non-binary and I'm genderqueer. Both are assigned female at birth. My partner's "gender journey" has been difficult, but I think they are finally coming into their own (they have been having trans affirming medical care). We have been together for six years. For the first two years we used to have regular sex, and my partner would usually take initiative. After figuring out their gender, the recurrence of sex has become less and less, and now we go months without having sex or more intimacy than light kisses and some cuddling. Their difficulties have a lot to do with ___________ I'm at my wit's end, getting more and more desperate to have intimacy with my partner. Even talking about it makes them stressed, ashamed and sad. So I feel like there is nothing I can do - I can't initiate (they feel pressured) or try to talk about it with them. We have gone to couple's therapy before, which has helped us in understan

"Background: I am a queer nonbinary person, in a relationship with another queer nonbinary person. In this case it's relevant to note that we both are people with vulvas. I’ve had lots of sexual experience with men with penises before this relationship but I haven’t for the last few years. I now find myself dreaming about it, especially when I’m ovulating. I also experience discomfort at not being able to have both a penis and a vagina. In a dream world I'd be able to have one, both, neither. My question: is it 'ethical' / 'ok' to look for a friendship with a penis-haver where I can explore touching/holding a penis, perhaps experiment with some penetration (of me)? I loved this part of my teenage relationships. Or is this fetishisation? Could it come under the category of kink? Aren't people often into the genitals of other people? I feel like this kind of friendship it would need to be someone I can have a lot of trust with, therefore likely to be a queer person. I feel like I can't put this in a Feeld bio

I dated someone who was about to become a spiritual leader / teacher a decade ago and completely left the religion. I can’t help but think their first love was God. He never been in a relationship and had said ‘I don’t know how to love one person let alone more right now’ when speaking of polyamory. He has a lot of shame and had a alot of sex outside intimacy. But with me, He was present, made so much effort when I fitted around his schedule. I started saying I miss him and expressed I liked him because I wasn’t clear where this was going. after three months he ended the relationship - infuriating as his excuse was ‘I’m just not feeling what I’m supposed to be feeling at three months’ (Rich for someone who dismisses And avoids talking of feelings) . I know I have rejection issues and I know where they come from. With that comes the danger to always hope and recognise potential. I have so much empathy for this person . It’s not a question, so this isn’t an answer. Perhaps I can give you a mapping of what ap

Hi Justin, Thanks for making such and thoughtful and insightful podcast. I just saw your message, and I have a Q that you may be able to use. Which is - why, now that I’m in a healthy and supportive relationship (for a couple of years now) do I still feel hurt, angry, confused etc. about an ex that I dated for only a few months, over three years ago? Someone who wasn’t very supportive and ended up letting me down during a difficult period in my life. I thought I’d moved past these feelings, and feel very content and loved in my relationship now. But every now and then I hear a bit of news about this ex, who moves in vaguely the same circles, and old painful feelings seem to come back up and are difficult to shake off. I don’t want to get back with this person at all, but I do fantasise about them reaching out to apologise to me, and what I would say back. I also imagine how their life has fallen apart without me (!) and any news that contradicts that narrative really bothers me. I have a good therapist who

"Hey good afternoon! I have a question that could be easily summarized as 'How to deal with "fomo" in non-monogamous/poly/RA relationships?'. (Fomo: fear of missing out.) And to give a bit more information: When I was in a polyamorous relationship for over a year I noticed I sometimes struggled with complicated feelings around missing out on (important) events/activities my then partner would attend with their other partner/s. They seemed to also have a hard time dealing with their partners feeling of 'fomo' and dividing activities. It made me think of how to handle things myself in the future if I would have multiple partners. I think there's a part that has to do with unpacking (het)normative scripts around dating but I haven't managed to detangle everything myself and would love to hear your take on it. I don't think it matters but I'm a queer non-binary person :) Whatever happens to this question, thanks for taking the time to read it." Fear of missing out, let’s explore that What is fear and wh

My problem is around polyamory and non-hierarchy. Specifically, how to deal with loving or caring about some partners more, or feeling more strongly for them, while maintaining a non-hierarchical relationship style. I currently have three partners, one long distance. One of the two local partners recently mentioned that they might move away, and raised the possibility of becoming long distance. I realised I’m not particularly interested in doing that, and I’d rather break up. I do love and care about them, and I don’t want to break up, but I don’t feel motivated enough to do the work of maintaining long distance with them. But I feel like saying this when I already have a long distance partner will hurt them intensely, and show that I just don’t feel as strongly about them as my other partner who is long distance, which unfortunately is true. I know I could say that I just don’t think our specific relationship would work well long distance, but that feels dishonest when I’ve come to realise that I just… don’t

"Hi Justin my favourite episode of yours and Meg-John's is 'disagreeing with people'. I've listened over 10 times. Despite this I still find myself getting into pointless heated discussions/arguments that leave me very upset specifically about trans issues but could be any marginalised group. This is in person one to one, not online, I don't respond on social media. How can I stop getting drawn in to doing this? I'm wasting my energy, but find certain things people say draw me in I can't help challenging it. I have multiple marginalised/intersectional identities and am gender non conforming but not trans myself. Thanks for all the work you put in to the podcast- its part of my self care." https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/disagreeing-with-people/ Why it’s pointless You’re not engaging in the discussion for the same reason (you might want to change their mind, they might just want to get you riled) People rarely change their mind right there and then Challenging is different from disagreements

Just a quick advice episode this week as I feel like I've talked a lot about orgasms lately on the show. But first there's some really lovely correspondence about when you, the assemblage, feel like the body without organs. More of this is particularly welcome! https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel

“I often struggle with unpicking what of my feelings is really 'mine' and what's internalised homophobia/transphobia/sexism/sex negativity etc. As a result I really struggle to trust myself, and become anxious, worrying that I'm unconsciously repeating harmful patterns. I know that identities aren't fixed, that we're all constantly evolving and all in relation to one another. I suppose really, with this all in mind, my question is: how do we work towards being authentically ourselves and trusting ourselves around sexual/gender identity? How do we hold space for our own feelings (both physical and emotional) whilst also combatting all the crap that we are imbued with by society?” Here’s A Thousand Plateaus (free pdfs are available online) https://www.upress.umn.edu/book-division/books/a-thousand-plateaus Here’s that really interesting podcast episode I think I mentioned by Jeremy Gilbert https://culturepowerpolitics.org/2024/02/03/introducing-affect/ His book Common Ground is really great Here’s more abou

Sex Ed in the UK and Me Our wonderful Patrons have had this for a few days already. Why not join them from just £1 a month? Suggest shows, join the Patreon, DM me directly and get 10% off my coaching service ... patreon.com/culturesexrelationships This one is about a brief history of sex ed in the UK over the last hundred years or so. Part way through I tell my story of how I got into doing this job in 1998 / 1999 in order to tell an autoethnography which illuminates the problems which sex ed, sexual health services, and youth services have faced over the years. I think it reveals something interesting about what culture war and austerity have done and how this may result in a doubling down on a narrow sex ed which doesn’t seem to serve anyone. Here’s the Department for Education 1943 document I read from https://education-uk.org/documents/boardofed/1943-sex-ed.html I relied on ‘School sex education: policy and practice in England 1870 to 2000’ by Jane Pilcher https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.108

I have a safer sex protocol that consists of a set of good communication tick boxes and a set of medical/testing disclosure tick boxes and a spreadsheet for my partners to record their partners and activities they practise with each, testing status, barrier use, etc I then use some approximate quantification of risk for each partner. While I find my protocol helpful in making this usually sensitive and difficult discussion more matter of fact and clear, I have experienced a lot of push back and hurt feelings by partners. I am reaching out to you because you mentioned in your episode this week that some people feel repelled by safer sex discussions. Could you help me see a way forward towards finding a consensus or a creative solution that works for everyone in case a partner refuses to engage with my protocol? Thank you for creating your content! I find it really valuable and fun to listen to! Resource / discourse When one becomes the other What's a good resource? Heterogeneous, open, kind, Resourcing ou

[If you have a question of your own, or would like me to give a Second Opinion of someone else’s advice, get in touch via the link tree here https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel ] “My question is about (changing) feelings of disgust in sexual contexts. My sense of disgust can change rapidly depending on context. For example, most of the time I really don't like kissing, even the idea is repelling to me.” It’s okay. We shouldn’t have to find any kind of sexuality to be normal, or okay, or expected. Doesn’t matter what kind of relationship we’re in. Some things we are told are ‘normal’ part of sexuality are deeply weird when we think about it! Polymorphous perversity. (Here’s that episode https://soundcloud.com/podcast-co-coopercherry/three-essays-on-the-theory-of-sexuality ) Navigating discrepancy is the normal (there are tips about this in our book A Practical Guide to Sex). https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/sex-discrepancies/ https://megjohnandjustin.com/sex/enjoy-penis-vagina-sex-want/ https://meg

I thought I'd do a reading of a couple of my articles from BISH that I've written about orgasms and then have an adult and theoretical rambling about them. They demonstrate really nicely how gendered sex discourses have produced orgasms in a very narrow (territorialised) way, and how unlearning our sexual knowledges is the key to enjoying it a bit more, but also has some micropolitical implications. Here are the articles https://www.bishuk.com/bodies/how-do-i-know-when-ive-had-an-orgasm/ https://www.bishuk.com/sex/what-is-gooning/ If you do have any questions for me, here are the links you need https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel Justin

I was joined by Greg Wolfman to talk about his excellent book 'Masculinities in the US Hangout Sitcom'. https://www.routledge.com/Masculinities-in-the-US-Hangout-Sitcom/Wolfman/p/book/9781032426211 (it's an academic book, so expensive, but there's a 20% off voucher at the website. Also Routledge sometimes have really huge sales on. They also published Meg-John's Rewriting The Rules. Also, ask your library to get it) After a brief tribute to Matthew Perry / Chandler Bing, we - chatted about whether it was possible for us to enjoy Friends - Greg situated Friends in the socio-political context of neoliberalism, the 90s, and the long 90s (a term by Jeremy Gilbert which is usefully explained in his book with Alex Williams called 'Hegemony Now') - Greg helpfully walked us through the 'chrononormativities' of career, relationships, settling down (and we also chatted about how they show us a glimpse of queerness in the show but always shut it down) - Then we talked about the episodes in series two when Joey moves ou

I was thrilled to be joined by Jacob Bloomfield to talk about his excellent new book, 'Drag: A British History'. It tells the story of drag from 1870 to 1970 and I found it to be super entertaining and informative. I came to this as someone who was ambivalent about drag and I learnt so much. You can buy it from this affiliate link and then I get a small commission (and helps support the show) https://uk.bookshop.org/a/10660/9780520393325 or get it direct from the publishers https://www.ucpress.edu/book/9780520393325/drag The article Jacob mentions is here https://www.telegraph.co.uk/books/non-fiction/drag-surprising-mainstream-history/

I was delighted to be joined by Yvette Taylor to talk about her fascinating book Working Class Queers Time, Place and Politics. You can buy it from here https://www.plutobooks.com/9780745341026/working-class-queers/

Patrons have had this show for a few days already. Sign up at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships from just £1 a month and support the show :-) My last advice show was popular. Send your questions through via the link in the bio and I will answer them! :-) The UK are having a round of allegations against public figures which centre around sexual ethics, consent, power, and bullying. These are all very different cases with their own particularities, yet the discussions surrounding them reveal a lack of nuance, lack of curiosity for critiquing sexual ethics, binary assumptions, carceral justice logics. As it seems we’ve learnt nothing about sex, consent, and justice, I thought it would be great to invite Tina Sikka back on the show to talk about this and to apply her framing of a ‘pleasure and care-centred ethic of embodied and relational sexual Otherness’ and see what might become. Here is that first conversation from a year ago https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/tina-sikka-sex-consent-and-ju

What if you have no problem making connections with people who are cute and engaging, but they are unavailable? My advice about how else we can see these moments of emergence and what we can do to bring reason and new stories into meeting people. I guess this is a companion piece to this podcast https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/how-to-get-a-girlfriend-boyfriend-themfriend