Legends In Their Own Minds

While Dave is rightly concerned about the historical phenomenon of 'political impeachment', Johnny’s underlying issue is pretty much with any kind of math.

Johnny's doctor is concerned about his weight - but it's not what you think.  Will he survive?  Or is he officially doomed?

In Nashville, it turns out the NFL Draft and bachelorette parties are a bad mix. Just ask the bachelorettes who didn't plan ahead.  Don't ask Dave, though.  That'll just get him started again.

Don't like either candidate from the two major parties and feel you have to vote for the lesser of two evils? Well, it seems you're not alone. Now at least one state is trying to find a clever remedy.

Johnny wants to let out a primal scream about all the "feel good" (read politically correct) ordinances his toney suburban city has been enacting lately. But then if he did, they'd probably slap him with a fine.

Some people think Dave is rude... They'd be right. Just asked the lady who unnecessarily held up the airport security line in front of him!

Someone once said "getting old is not for wimps." As Dave begrudgingly starts to deal with the reality of his inevitable physical decline, Johnny's best guess is that the guy who uttered that line, is probably dead.

Well, the New England Patriots are going to the Super Bowl once again and, unlike most of the country, Dave and Johnny couldn't be more pleased. Oh yeah, and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, he can go pound sand; just not in the Northeast.

Johnny has been trying to get Dave on social media for years. Finally, Dave is connected, but now Johnny has taken himself off the grid...Coincidence?

Johnny walked a fine and treacherous line when his beloved, malapropism-prone wife suggested she was interested in teaching English as a second language. He broached the subject of proficiency and still managed to survive.

Johnny has sleep apnea, so his doctor prescribed a CPAP machine. Johnny won't use the thing because it's noisy and keeps him awake. Dave, on the other hand, thinks it's probably a good thing for Johnny to breathe when he sleeps. That Dave... he's such a giver!

Have you ever rented a car from a well-known company, had it break down in the middle of nowhere on a 100-degree day and when you call the 800 number, the woman in Mumbai tells you they always have problems with those cars? Dave has, and it was F-airly U-gly.

Johnny's wife enjoys going to weddings. Johnny, not so much. He'll go because he wants to be a good husband. After all, he may not be a romantic, but he's no fool.

Johnny's feeling extra old these days. And his children can't wait to remind him of it.

We really hate the pathetic game of media and politics. Perhaps we need a Trump card.

Is ten people living in a small house too much? Paging Captain Obvious.

Some people say moving to the south is a downgrade. We think those people are very smart.

We're ambivalent about this crop of presidential candidates. We're not so blasé about past winners.

Dave's movin' south. And by south, we don't mean the N**meg State.

Johnny gets lots of credit card offers. Don't they know his wife has final disapproval?